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Original poster

Partner spending Christmas with ex-wife/kids/friends.

211 replies

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:10

My partner is spending Christmas with his ex-wife and kids. Kids are 17 and 13. They divorced in 2020. Every Christmas is spent together. I don't have kids. His argument is that Christmas together is for the kids and that's fine.

Last night, he told me his longtime friends invited him to bring his kids over to their place on Christmas Day - this would be post family time/post opening gifts etc... He said he would like to take his kids over to their (the friends) place. These are family friends, to be clear. So their kids would get to spend time with his kids etc... I don't know why, but I thought it would be just him taking his kids over - because of the way he phrased it.

Today, while we were talking he tells me he has to text his ex-wife and tell her that 'we are invited to A and B's house for Christmas Day'.

By 'we' he meant he and his ex-wife, that is.

I'm not invited to this, so basically it'd be two sets of families hanging out together. I've decided to spend Christmas Day with my parents - and then friends in the evening as a result.

AIBU to think this isn't normal? I've put up with a lot that isn't 'normal' since he has kids and I don't, but at some point, it's a piss-take.

He's admitted that his situation isn't 'normal' but that it is all in the name of his kids - and that's fine to a degree - but I don't see anything ever changing.

OP posts:
Original poster
melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:34

Kitkatcatflap · 23/12/2024 02:26

I don't know if there is a 'normal' in a family break up. I do know that if you get involved with someone who has children then those children will always come first. He and his ex wife clearly have a good post divorce relationship? On one hand it's great that they are able to spend time together for the children but where does that leave you? Must be hard.

To be fair to him, he acknowledges from my side that things must be hard - especially since I don't have children - so there's an inherent asymmetry in the relationship. He admits the time they spend together is unusual (they still travel together etc...) Often though, I feel like I'm in a relationship with someone who is not fully available - and most divorced couples have a bit more 'separation' rather than being very enmeshed still.

OP posts:
ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 02:33

melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:18

To clairfy, we did have plans. Apologies if I didn't make that clear.

Hence why I said 'as a result, I decided to spend the evening with friends instead'. I have no issue with the day itself/them spending time together as a family for the majority of the day - but the evening plans went awry as they are now going to their friends' house instead - thus leaving me at a loose end on Christmas Day (so I had to make other plans, as above).

Show quote history

I think I would feel pretty bad about taking a father away from his children on Christmas day. If I were a parent and my pretty recent partner, presumably less than 4 years, was unhappy about it I would really be questioning our compatibility. It's one day in the year. I have to say I think you are being petty and sound jealous. Maybe don't date a man with children because the children shd always come first

Original poster
melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:30

Applepoop · 23/12/2024 02:26

Sounds unusual.

Why did he divorce her? Strange to them spend family time like this.

I don’t really think this is “for the kids”. It could be deeply unsettling for them, especially the younger one who could be confused and dream about his/her parents getting back together. And painful for the ex wife who never wanted him to leave in the first place.

are you a lot younger than him?

this seems off

I agree. He cited 'abuse' in the divorce. To her credit, she admitted this and is now on a lot of medication as a result.

I am 8 years younger than him, so not a 'lot' younger than him.

OP posts:
Edingril · 23/12/2024 02:29

You are having a relationship with a man with children he is doing what is best for the children this to me is a good thing

Kitkatcatflap · 23/12/2024 02:26

I don't know if there is a 'normal' in a family break up. I do know that if you get involved with someone who has children then those children will always come first. He and his ex wife clearly have a good post divorce relationship? On one hand it's great that they are able to spend time together for the children but where does that leave you? Must be hard.

Applepoop · 23/12/2024 02:26

Sounds unusual.

Why did he divorce her? Strange to them spend family time like this.

I don’t really think this is “for the kids”. It could be deeply unsettling for them, especially the younger one who could be confused and dream about his/her parents getting back together. And painful for the ex wife who never wanted him to leave in the first place.

are you a lot younger than him?

this seems off

Original poster
melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:20

YesIdolovehim · 23/12/2024 02:20

They sound quite civilised to be putting the children first unless there are still feelings between them, Do you know who initiated the divorce or was it a mutual decision?

He filed for divorce. She wanted to stay together.

OP posts:
YesIdolovehim · 23/12/2024 02:20

They sound quite civilised to be putting the children first unless there are still feelings between them, Do you know who initiated the divorce or was it a mutual decision?

Original poster
melissajreyes · 23/12/2024 02:18

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 02:14

What's the problem with it? Clearly it's better for the children, you are an adult, have you no plans of your own. If you were to get married then I would expect you to be there but as things stand they just want their children to have a nice Christmas. It's really sensible, not all the pillar to post stuff other poor kids have to do. Do you know his kids?

To clairfy, we did have plans. Apologies if I didn't make that clear.

Hence why I said 'as a result, I decided to spend the evening with friends instead'. I have no issue with the day itself/them spending time together as a family for the majority of the day - but the evening plans went awry as they are now going to their friends' house instead - thus leaving me at a loose end on Christmas Day (so I had to make other plans, as above).

OP posts:
Ibouncetothebeat · 23/12/2024 02:15

Don't get involved. If your gut is telling you it feels wrong, get out.

ForFunAmberDeer · 23/12/2024 02:14

What's the problem with it? Clearly it's better for the children, you are an adult, have you no plans of your own. If you were to get married then I would expect you to be there but as things stand they just want their children to have a nice Christmas. It's really sensible, not all the pillar to post stuff other poor kids have to do. Do you know his kids?