Partner spending Christmas with ex-wife/kids/friends.

Nope that would not be on . Me and my partner both have children to previous partners and that arrangement is weird. They are not babies they are teens and need to realise life goes on . Where are your boundaries op? My kids go to their other parent after time with us as a family and my partners then get dropped to our house after time with their other parent. But there is the fab time in between where both our kids are together celebrating. Do his kids know you exist? Or are they both gaslighting their children. Sounds more like a them issue rather than what the kids want pretty sure 2 teens would enjoy 2 Christmases. So many issues within the context of this one post and I hope you take your rose tinted glasses off. Why aren't you invited? And as for the he can understand where your coming from cause you don't have kids , bfs partner and ex lovely ppl Co parenting dream but still wouldn't f*ck the kids up by living in a fantasy land where everyone's together on Christmas like old times sake . Op give your head a wobble you might just wake up. What you going to do when you have a kid be left with the baby while he's over at the exes playing happy families still 🙈🙉

There was an American woman on here last month in a very similar situation. She said she was, quite rightly IMO, going to end the relationship.

I can understand why you'd feel upset if he cancelled your plans.

But you only have control over whether you want to stay in this relationship or not.

There isn't much you can do (or want to / should do) when it comes to him spending time with his children and ex wife. He made that decision and he is doing it for kids. Even if you or others find it weird. I also think it's unusual, especially inviting his ex to his friends Christmas do.

I'd personally not be able to date a man who has children and is very enmeshed with his ex.

I think you need to decide whether this is something you can accept or not.

Do you want to have children on your own? That's something I'd also consider as I can imagine it would bring even more complexities to this situation.

Fuck that shit. You had evening plans which he cancelled. He will have spent all day with his DC which you have accepted but then he changed evening plans thus leaving you alone? No that is not right and I would have to seriously re think the relationship as it seems you are bottom of the priority pile.

Op, do you see your partner including you in any of the Christmas plans (obviously not with the morning ones with the ex) in the next few years?
Did your partner invite you, also, to the impromptu evening do?
I think he should have invited you or had his ex go alone to the friend's home with the kids.
To cancel on your premade evening plans is pretty terrible.

You are right and generous to expect that he spends time with his children but at some point your life with him has to be acknowledged; you exist and you deserve to be respected and to be seen to be respected.

Sometimes I really feel that divorced dads and single women mix like oil and water, especially if she wants her own family as well.

Not sure how old you are, OP, or if you want your own husband and kids, but if you do, and you're still relatively young, I would find a fresh one. Much nicer to start your own marriage and family with someone who doesn't have an ex-wife and kids with another woman. There are always going to be divided loyalties, and all the firsts for you, like marriage, pregnancy, newborn etc are all things he's already done with someone else. Nah. Get a nice new one for yourself.

The issue isn’t doing things with the kids - it’s excluding the GF from those family events. And it sounds like LW isn’t part of any of the big family things.

I have a step parent (honestly I don’t really like them). They’re part of my life and aren’t excluded from my interactions with my parent. It’s not that I don’t do things with just my parent, but if we’re catching up to celebrate something the step parent is included (even though I don’t like them). I wouldn’t dream of expecting to go on regular holidays without them, or for them to be left out of Christmas or other days.

I agree if you can’t handle someone having friendly interactions and doing things with their child’s parent, or you can’t handle that your partner will have parenting obligations (that don’t end at 18) don’t date people with kids. But to say accept being alone for every holiday, celebration for forever that’s unreasonable. By now, LW should be included in family events. Be that Christmas lunch, holidays abroad, kids birthday dinners etc.

This. After three years why aren't you included too?

I don’t see how this is a problem for his ex and kids if he does want to keep doing things together as a family and isn’t going to ditch that.

He may very well have exactly what he wants - the family relationship with his ex and children, and the romantic partner relationship with OP.

I’ve heard of people separating but continuing to live and operate as a family in many ways. They parents are just not a couple but friends (not for me, but works for some and least for some time).

He's over involved with his ex and you're not going to be his priority ever

The question is why you’re not invited to family Christmas with his ex and kids and more so to their friend’s place later? That is the strange behaviour.

Do find another man who prioritises you at Christmas as well as his children. You deserve better.

I’ve spent Christmases and children’s birthdays with my DH and his ex and the kids. They wanted to do stuff together for the kids, but as his GF at the time I was included.

This is what it is. You’d be wrong to work to stop him spending Christmas with his kids, or to try force then to do separate Christmases.

It is however completely reasonable to not be ok with never having Christmas as a family.

Really you need to decide how big a deal this is. Are you ok with always being dropped? Are you ok with never celebrating on the day? If it’s just a minor annoyance then fine. If it’s something that’s going to make you unhappy year in year out then move on.

Personally, I wouldn’t be ok with this. Christmas is a major holiday for me and I’d expect that most of the time I’d spend it with my partner.

This.

It's not what I would want in a relationship so I would tell him it was over. I don't think many women would put up with it to be honest. He's not doing his ex any favours as she thinks he wants to carry on living like they used to, visiting friends together and so on. He's not doing the kids any favours, either. It's confusing for them. As for you, you are bottom of the pile and that's not a place I would be happy to be.

How he’s treating you is beyond rude. That he spends Christmas Day with his kids and ex, I could accept as this is nice if all are happy with the arrangement. However, the invite to the friend’s house was the moment to make the choice. Either they are more his friends or more his ex’s friends. If they say they are friends both the same, that is fine. However, in that case, these friends would be respecting the two of you as a unit, especially after 3 years. And from what you’re saying, they potentially aren’t, then your ‘boyfriend’ has chosen the relationship with those friends over the relationship with you.

TLDR end things with him. He is putting his ex and seemingly his friendships with friends of his ex before you.

Please stop looking for men in the thrift shop. I think it’s fine if he was up front about having Christmas Day with his ex and kids. But making plans with you for Christmas night then canceling like that is awful.
End it, you should date someone that can’t wait to see you Christmas night if you can’t spend the day together.

It’s too much. The holidays and Christmases. To all intents and purposes he is still living a life of a married family man.

He should have enjoyed Christmas Day as planned with dc and then stick to his evening plans with you. And not accept another random invite. You do not feature at all in his life or plans for anything. I would be ending the relationship if things don’t change next year.

It’s been 3 years, why are you not invited along too in Xmas day and family activities?

I wouldn’t be ok with this, personally. But it doesn’t really matter what anyone else thinks. Is this relationship making you happy?

Spending time with the children on Christmas day isn't the issue here it's the fact he seems to still be doing what his ex wife wants and not remotely interested in putting you before her

You are better off cutting all loss with this man and move on

@melissajreyes you're an after-thought to him.

He could easily spend time with his children, maybe not in Christmas Day, but over the school holiday, instead he chooses to play Happy Families with his ex, when he's meant to be in a relationship with you.

listen to your instinct, it's never wrong. It sounds like he's 'just not that into you' as they say. I'd stop wasting valuable years of your life waiting on the sidelines for him to pick you. It will only get worse if it's like this now.

Be with someone who values and respects you, who wants to spent time with you, not someone who is happy to let you down at the last minute because you don't fit into his other plans.

Exactly 💯

I would have expected him to spend the day with the kids then come back to you in the evening. It's up to their Mum if she wanted to take up the friends offer. I assume the friends know about you, so it's a bit off of them to invite all of them over as a family.

But I'm shit at relationships so what do I know? 🤣 In the past though, I have spent Christmas and birthdays with ex then gone home with kids to spend evening with partner and ex would have his own evening plans.

This

I would not do what he is doing to you nor would my dh. Your dp doesn't have to accept the invite to his friends, and I think you should be invited with him and his kids. He choose to disregard your feelings. It would be the last xmas I spent with him. Or rather, that I didn't spend with him.