Partner spending Christmas with ex-wife/kids/friends.

You are a young single girl with the world at your feet and hundreds probably thousands of young men who would love to be with you on Christmas Day and yet here you are in tangling yourself in this shit ?
What is so fabulous about this old man that you’re prepared to be left like some mistress on the side for all major holidays

Sounds a bit too much like cosy family time tbh and his kids are not babies . Old enough for Christmas at mums and Boxing Day at yours .

Personally I'd throw this one back. I couldn't be with someone and never be a priority.

I have a friend in a very, very similar situation to you. including the holidays and ski trips etc for the kids. I’ve never understood how she does it, but she decided the relationship is worth it and she gets on with the kids herself but has learnt where to put in boundaries for herself through therapy.

If you think the relationship is worth working through then I’d maybe recommend getting professional unbiased help (therapy) to help you navigate it in a way that works for you too.

Absolutely the kids come first, but I entirely see why you find it difficult them then playing happy families at another persons house which you are left out of.

Just remember that they divorced for a reason, and you know your partner and his ex won’t be lovey dovey together or behaving couple-y. The idea in your head of how they will be together I suspect is a lot different to the reality.

"Often though, I feel like I'm in a relationship with someone who is not fully available - and most divorced couples have a bit more 'separation' rather than being very enmeshed still."

I think you're right about this - he's not fully available. One of them (your partner or his ex) may very well be harbouring intentions to get back together. A four-years-ago split isn't that long ago.

I'd also wonder what message this is sending to the children who may be hopeful about their parents getting back together.

What's the rest of your relationship like?

I also think it's your decision as to whether this all feels acceptable. It wouldn't for me.

I think it's his decision but personally I would have expected him to decline the invite in the evening so he could spend time with you or invite you to go along too.

Why aren't you invited to this?

Surely the issue isn't a man spending Christmas with his children, it's the fact his partner isn't invited despite having a relationship with his children.

It sounds more about the ex's needs than having a family Christmas.

This

This wouldn't work for me and I'd finish it.

'It's for the kids' is a line that is always trotted out to stop partners from challenging inappropriate boundaries between ex partners. They're either together or they aren't. If they were so bothered about everything being 'for the kids' they would have stayed together in the first place and not disrupted their children by putting them through a divorce. But they did. Shit happens, life goes on. He can't have it both ways. I actually disagree that spending Christmas Day and holidays with divorced mum and dad is healthy for children as it sends so many mixed messages, I would have hated this and felt so confused. He is treating you like some shameful side piece and I would leave the relationship.

While I completely respect parents who can remain civil after a break up for their kids, I think this is a step too far. One of the kids is 17 ffs, basically an adult! I wouldn't have an issue with him popping over there for a few hours to see them but to spend all day there and to socialise as a family with their friends would be a step too far for me. Will you have to spend every Christmas alone because of these kind of arrangements?

All families have their own dynamics and again, I think it's commendable that he is so dedicated to his kids. But I just don't think it's the right situation for you. I hope you manage to have a nice Christmas with your family.

You’re being treated like an affair partner!

This is the weirdest divorce ever. I’ve never heard the like.

I thought ‘putting the children first’ meant doing what you promise - not acting like you’re still married to their mum.

Op it sounds like you have been so patient so far it's a situation whilst correct for the dc I think any partner would struggle with he's clearly still half married and has got the best of all worlds hasn't he.

Whilst its admirable that your partner and his ex are amicable and want to provide stability for the children, he's treating you with such disrespect!
Fine if he wanted to take the kids to the friends in the evening. Absolutely not fine for the ex to be there as well, especially as this means he's now cancelled plans he had with you! Absolutely not! (Pretty shit of the friends too to be honest!)
Oh and they spend all holidays together too? I'd hazard a guess that this is just as much for your partner and the ex as it is for the children. I wouldn't be happy with this set up and I wouldn't tolerate it either. He's shown you you're nowhere on his list of priorities.

This wouldn't work for me. The children aren't babies so would cope with mum and dad not being together on Christmas Day. It's not like it's the first Christmas after separation.

I'm assuming he doesn't still live in the old family home OP? I'd probably call quits on this relationship. It's great he loves his kids so much but he's too enmeshed with the wife. Has he begun the divorce proceedings?

Whether or not what he is doing is the right thing for him and his family is not really the issue. The point is, he doesn’t really include you as part of his family, does he? You’re a side relationship that he has and will never be his priority. Three years of that? You deserve better.

Why are you not invited too? After three years together I'd expect to be included in family events. I'd question where he sees the relationship going

He’s doing what he thinks is best for the DC.

I don’t think it’s wrong, but no, I wouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone so enmeshed with their ex.

It is a compatibility issue. I would be looking for a new fella in the new year.

He is treating you like the other woman whilst playing happy families with his ex. I'm sorry he cancelled your plans, seeing you in the evening should have taken priority over seeing friends. You deserve to be there too, especially after 3 years.

OP this is unfair on you and the posters saying it's wonderful and fine are likely in marriages where they'd expect this if they split.
In realty this is very unusual. very enmeshed. It would be better for the 'kids' (maybe ok behaviour if they were 5)to see mum and dad as separate people with their own life's, it all seems very false, I'd be assuming he's still sleeping with her and making false promises, he has it all; the family and his young girlfriend.
You would be better off ditching him and finding someone who is actually free.

OP, you're coming across as really needy here. Why do you keep using the word "normal"?? I know a couple of divorced families who Co-parent like this - the children are much happier for it. It's more common than you'd think, frankly because our generation still bears the scars of our parents' messy divorces where the default was hate and separation.
It's lovely that they are both prioritising children.
It's been three years - the question you need to ask yourself is why you aren't involved in these family get togethers? That's what will cause the drama down the line.
Is it because you're not comfortable? ExW? Do you get on with the children?

I think the real issue is that you’re not invited too. You’re let out of every family occasion and you’re now together over three years. So it’s great that the ex wife is amicable. But it’s like you’re dropped for the family events and they pretend for those occasions they are still together. You can be invited and not
left to the sidelines, you’re not being unreasonable.

I know a lot are saying he's being reasonable for the kids but I'm with you OP. I'd be upset about this. 3 years is a long time to have been together and I'd feel like I was being rejected Christmas day. I think he has to see his kids but playing happy families with his ex isn't necessary and I'm sure there's another way.

OP you have every right to feel upset by this.

Of course he should prioritise seeing his children on Xmas day, however to continue playing “happy families” with his ex-wife with visits to other friends houses and holidays abroad etc is not on - it sends complete mixed messages.

I get that some people can get on well post divorce and that is good for the children but to be going on holidays together and getting together with old couple-friends is over-stepping the mark.

Do you suspect something is going on between them as it sounds like his ex-wife is more of a priority than you?