Partner spending Christmas with ex-wife/kids/friends.

Agree with this. From someone who married a man with kids, he has never cancelled his Christmas plans with me to spend it with the ex. He'd be a goner if he had.

He isn't free to have a relationship because he's still tangled up with his (ex) wife.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again, when people are truly amicable, they don't confuse the children by playing happy families. Or rather, when they do, new partners are there too (I am amicable with my ex-husband).

It's never really 'for the children'. It's because at least one of them is hoping for reconciliation, and the other partner is either there reluctantly (having fallen for the lie), or is a player who wants to keep alive the hopes of their ex.

But whatever, he has amply demonstrated he has no room for you in his life in any meaningful way. His willingness to be aorund his ex and his lack of care for your plans would suggest to me that he is a player, and is now messing with your head.

OP I could have written this post myself 10 years ago, but the kids were 17 & 23!

I found it really hard, I was much younger than him and had no kids of my own. It became clear that we would never be a family in the sense that I understood family to be, and we ultimately broke up. He had his family, and I wasn’t part of it.

I wouldn’t be with him tbh. He's maintaining a life with his ex wife and I know people will say it’s for the kids but the kids are 13 and 17 and plenty old enough to understand that their parents are divorced and live separate lives. He could still take them on holidays etc just him and the kids so he gets time with them. Of course there’s no reason they can’t be friends given they’re prepared to spend all this time together but it’s cross I g boundaries I couldn’t deal with, that’s not their problem if their happy with the set up it’s mine so for that reason I’d have to walk away

But they also travel together and go out together, as OP sits on her own. Good for them, not so good for her. tyhey could be civil but also he could spend time with his actual partner rather than changing plans last minute to spend more time with his wife (who do not seem to be an ex after all)

This is such a crappy response and quoting out of context, nitpicking.

OP has nothing against partner spending time with kids. But that also means she is left on her own and this is also not pleasant.

OP sorry nit read the whole thread, but I think I would leave. Your DP is a bit shitty to you saying 'oh it must be hard' but then he is clealry still with his (ex?) wife and this may not change for many years to come, in which you will be always the third wheel and he will never commit. He has his cake and eats it having his family and then oyu on the side when he is nto with them, and his 'sorry' does not change it for you.

Agree. It's fine for him to have a priority list, it's also fine for OP as one of the lower ranked not to be up for that. Sometimes people are just incompatible.

I agree 💯

Of course his kids should be the top priority. But he's shown you where you are on the pecking order - below the kids (fine), below the ex-wife and below his friend (less fine).

I would be starting to consider whether this relationship is for you, as you have very different priorities. He wants to play happy families with the ex, but also keep you hanging for when it's convenient for him. Are you willing to settle for the scraps he's offering you?

Three years is enough time to get the lay of the land in the relationship. He's getting his cake and eating it too. Just depends if you are happy with that?

My thoughts too. If he has a 17 year old I’m guessing he’s mid 40s ? If you’re 8 years younger you’re late 30s?

Do you want your own kids? If so I’d get rid of this one. He’s getting the girlfriend experience with you but one he can pick up or leave down as he feels like it.

I can understand the upset about night plans changing and that's unfair but until 13 yr old is 18 I'd assume christmas day will not be spent together.

I too think it’s nice they’re spending Christmas Day together.

But it would have been nice for him to see you too in the evening and can see why you’d be hurt that he’s cancelled that.

Are you invited to the friends house after? It sounds very civilised, everyone getting along for everyone’s sake… so why aren’t you going?

A lot saying it’s great he wants to spend Christmas time with the kids, but it’s not that it’s a full day of married life. Then add in the holidays, no thanks not for me.

I would have to end this one and wonder how you coped for so long.

I also disagree with children always come first. You are the children's role model for their future relationship. A relationship is of equal importance.

Are you serious? 🧐🤦‍♀️ 3 years is a very significant investment in a relationship! And yes, Christmas is for the kids...it's NOT, however, for the ex and their 'ex couple' friends!

Wow, there are some weird replies on this thread! I'd love to see how some of the posters would actually react if they were in your position OP!

Prioritising children...absolutely 💯

Prioritising your ex wife and your 'couples friends' from you ex relationship!?!? No way!

Your DP is being very manipulative OP, telling you how he 'understands' how difficult it all must be for you, and then continuing to make it difficult! This is shit behaviour, and he's trying to make it so that YOU will be the 'unreasonable' one if you complain, as he's been 'oh so nice and understanding' by saying that he 'understands'. Really, really manipulative!

You are so far down on his priority list you've fallen off it!

I'd bet money he's still sleeping with his ex on those many holidays they take 'as a family' and one (or both) of them are holding out for a reconciliation.

Raise your bar and dump his arse! He doesn't respect you at all.

It took a while for some common sense to arrive here! Of course his kids come first and of course it's great that he maintains a civil relationship with his ex for the sake of the kids. This doesn't make it ok for him to make plans with OP and then cancel them in favour of more time with the ex and kids (previously it wasn't either or, he was seeing the kids too). Leaving someone at a loose end at relatively short notice at Christmas is not fair.

I disagree. 3 years is a significant amount of time for a relationship. Has he even asked his children if that's what they want. I know my children would find it awkward.

3 years is barely anything. Christmas is for his children.

One person’s ’unusual’ is another person’s ’unnecessary’.

Either way, his actions put you at the bottom of a big pecking order after (understandably) his two children, then ex, then the friends. Three years in I’d expect an invitation to the friends or at least for him to want to spend some time with you, perhaps the evening.

It would be interesting to understand how many years he plans to do this for.

The children are 17 and 13 so not young. He's not doing it for the children. They might think they're doing it for the children but they're giving them mixed messages of what a relationship is and blurred boundaries. Would he like his children's future partner to leave them at Christmas to spend it with the ex. This doing it for the children is rubbish.

Have you posted before? Only asking as I remember reading a post and situation was identical.
It's great that he spends plenty of time with his kids, but why can't you be included more? I'm not sure it's healthy to spend every single holiday with his ex and kids. Why is it not him and kids, and some trips with you included? Have you had a holiday with him and his kids ever?
It's totally reasonable to finish the relationship with this man if that's what you want. Don't want to upset you but ulyou seem quite low in his priority list. I don't think anything will change anytime soon. Don't waste your time.

@melissajreyes you do not sound petty nor jealous.

"normal" is for parents to have kids alternate Christmases once divorced but obviously not every split family has to choose to do what the majority do if it suits them.

If their "normal" has been them for the day and you for the evening then I would sat rhat you are disappointed that he has changed the plans you had together but maybe arrange something special for Boxing Day instead.

I would set out your expectations going forward and maybe even have the discussion that if next year you are still around the split has been long enough and the kids well used to the situation for Christmases to alternate or split days between their divorced parents as is more common in such situations.

He has kids. He is putting those kids first at Christmas. Divorce doesn't have to be fighting, name calling and not speaking to each other. They seem civil, they are both putting their childrens needs first. Good on them.