Partner spending Christmas with ex-wife/kids/friends.

My sister and her Ex would always get together on Xmas day and have dinner with the kids and extended family. Even though they hated each other. But when he met someone else he would make plans with his girlfriend in the evening. She was fine with him seeing his kids as you are OP.

i think he’s being really unreasonable cancelling on you like this. It shows lack of respect- no matter how he tries to dress it up. I would feel really put out and have a long hard think about how this relationship is going to pan out in the future.

I think the OP is being completely gaslit by some of the earlier responses here (haven’t rtft so hopefully some more sensible folks have been along by now).

This is absolutely not normal, to treat you like you don’t exist in this way on Christmas Day.

A mature co-parenting relationship can look many ways - and it’s absolutely great the DP and his XW get together for presents, and for the kids to have their family together on Christmas Day, but three years into a relationship the OP should be factored in by her DP. For him to casually ditch their plans in favour of a family visit to friends in the afternoon is pretty dreadful and shows her exactly where she stands in the grand scheme of things.

OP, I’d take the hint and tell him you don’t think there is a future here. Think about your dignity and self worth. If the DP respected and loved you you’d be integrated and included.

It’s very odd he’s spending every occasion known to man with his ex wife.

Christmas day - yes.
Christmas evening should be yours and his OR you join him, the ex and their teens for an hour then leave together.

Thanksgiving, Easter and holidays/vacations - NO.

It’s quite clear the ex wife won’t let go and she’s using any excuse to drag him away from you in the hopes you’ll get pissed off and end things.

Personally, I’d end things.

Its entirely up to you if you accept this or not. Many people would not be happy to have to spend Christmas apart from their partners, especially as it seems that the time away is escalating. I suppose whether you accept it depends on how much you value the relationship in other ways. One day a year may be tolerable in the context of an otherwise fantastic relationship, where you feel respected and valued, and where you have trust. However if this is one of multiple ways in which this relationship falls short, then perhaps its time to consider if its right for you.

@melissajreyes i actually can’t believe he spends every holiday with his ex wife. .
Id verge on he has his cake and eats it .
Doesn't single parent the kids ever .
Doesn’t have to live with the wife and can play around with whoever. .He can cancel plans with one women to spend with another as he got a better offer. .

Id run from this .
He isn’t doing this for his kids this is for him.

No you should be invited as his partner.
How long have you been together ?
Do the kids know you ?
Reality is if they wanted to hang out with old friends together they should have stayed as a couple.
I am all for being civil or doing what’s best for the kids but it’s been nearly 5 years and the kids are teenagers. .
Id take your time over Xmas to think about what you want . He can’t do as he pleases just because he can pull the “I have kids card “ and you don’t.

I know me and this get together at night without you but taking his ex wife would be a step too far for me. .

its great that he wants to spend time with his kids. But as pp said, he is not there for you.

More importantly if you feel neglected, or resentful of him dropping you like a stone for family friends, well, you are entitled to. And, you should listen to what your gut is telling you - that you will never be his priority.

Sounds like he does have great qualities, perhaps look for those in a man who is looking to build his own family with you.

It’s a no from me

Getting in a relationship with a man who has dependent kids is always going to be compromise, torn loyalties, changed plans, him thinking of them before you, and her always being part of the mix.

It goes with that choice. So you have a choice now.

Accept this is how it is.

He was the one who left, as one of her victims, and his kids being with an abusive medicated woman might be very worrying for him. At a time like Christmas that can be very stressful he understandably wants to be around the kids, whatever plans are made.

This will be you alone at Christmas at least for the next five years.

Or tell him this doesn't work for you and ask him to change his plans and spend it with you.

Don't be surprised if he refuses.

Or ask as you have been together this long if you can be included in the visit as his partner. Part of his children's lives.

See what he says. I think his answer there will tell you a lot about where you sit in his priorities.

He’s doing what he thinks is best for the DC

Is he though? I mean if he wants to see his kids on Xmas day why can’t OP go with him? Why are they spending Xmas together as a family when they aren’t a family because he divorced her? I’m sorry but it seems really sus to me.

Be wary of him using the kids as an excuse to do whatever he likes.

It sounds like the wife is perfectly happy with the old bloke.

Once a guy with 3 kids was trying to argue with me regarding my “no men with kids” rule. He told me it’s very rewarding to help raise other people’s kids and be there for your partner even if you can never be their first priority
You’re lucky it was just that, I got called a Baren old witch because I had a no child rule (under 12) apparently if you’ve not had children by the time you get to my age 40 at the time I was going to be a bitter old bitch.
I had four children at the time, I just genuinely couldn’t handle any more especially ones that weren’t mine.

I bet this won't continue if the wife gets a new bloke....
Isn't it weird for teenagers for their divorced parents to be together for every holiday/special event? A graduation or something I get but every holiday?

I do think it’s a bit much. Fine to visit for a couple of hours on Christmas morning but not visiting another family for the evening with his ex-wife as if they were still together. I would say that is unusual.

When I separated I used to get invited to the same Christmas events eg friends’ family parties but on my own with my children. Ex
used to visit in the morning to give the children their presents. Now they are older he sees them either Christmas Day or Boxing Day.

Also now you have been together a few years I think he should be spending Christmas with you, around his commitments with the children of course.

I struggle to see any child-free man dating a woman his age (let alone 8 years older), who has kids and an ex husband that she travels and spends Christmas and other major holidays with. Most men would just say no way and be out of there so quick.

And yet so often we see women being roped into thinking they must accept this with a smile on their face when they’re better off just leaving.

Once a guy with 3 kids was trying to argue with me regarding my “no men with kids” rule. He told me it’s very rewarding to help raise other people’s kids and be there for your partner even if you can never be their first priority

This.

Depends on your relationship with the kids and him.long term partnership or newly together. Are the kids with you guys and do you have that relationship with them. If you been together over 3 years then I would expect you to be invited as well if you are on good terms as you say whats the harm in you being there.
If your relationship is new and not serious yet then I get it.
But also if your unhappy with it and this is what it will be liie for years to come then that's is not ok really.

Can't work out how to reply to the comment but he's the issue, not his children or ex wife.

Yeah the replies beforehand were just batshit!!

Where did OP say the issue was him doing anything with his children. She has repeatedly said the opposite of that. His children aren't the issue, the ex wife is.

You sound very reasonable and sensible.

I've very happily been with my partner more than 10 years. Usually he spends Xmas with his kids and ex wife too, and there'll be a few other occasions where he'll go to some other event that includes all of them. I'm totally fine with this and do my own family stuff for Xmas. There's at least 364 other days a year. I agree with the general viewpoint that's a decent man prioritizing his kids, and sometimes trying to force blend yourself into these situations just isn't the way forward.

However, I think you're actually describing him last minute ditching his plans with you for Christmas day evening, which is different, and going to a family/friends do. That would piss me off, separately from anything else. There does anyway sound like a bit of over involvement eg if I read your reply correctly, family holidays with him and the ex wife. Just spending Christmas day or other important occasions with his kids isn't an issue in my mind, the other bits would be

@melissajreyes It's not really one day in the year as they spend Thanksgiving, Easter, every (Euro Summer) vacation together as well as skiing etc...
so virtually every holiday and even thanksgiving which is not even celebrated in UK???? nah, I would stop wasting time on this relationship. he is not invested in it enough. why cant ex wife not take her kids on hols on her own and he can also take them on hols without her? that is truly spending time with them! they are very nearly adults!

Oh girl. Honestly, throw this one back. He's not worth the pain.

Do you want kids OP? If so, how do you both envision this working with more kids in the mix? How will he manage his time then?

I think you’re getting the short straw and will always be relegated. Some of that is to be expected, although you need to sit down and work out how this will work in the long term. When will you be included?!

I think there’s a lot of work to be done to incorporate you into this family. You can’t stay in the outskirts, it’s not right or sustainable.