Partner spending Christmas with ex-wife/kids/friends.

Yes I agree. I wil be spending a few hours with my ex and daughter tomorrow and we try to get on as best we can in terms of shared events such as school, birthdays etc.

But I have take a very conscious step back to spending too much time together. Our daughter knows that we have separate houses and lives and will not be getting back together.

What the OP is being asked to put up with really is a bit much and her DP is totally taking the piss especially with much older children..

Yanbu. As a divorced woman, I think it's nice to spend some time with younger kids with both parents together on Xmas day, so the kids get to see both parents, show presents etc. However by 13+ that becomes a bit unnecessary. By 18 years I'd not expect any need for both parents together! It sounds quite enmeshed.

Do you think one or both of them would like to get back together?

Nah he is at it sorry you should be there with him too as his partner

I understand how you feel OP. I think the issue of them all going together to the family friends in the evening has probably alerted you to think this is abit too 'together'. I totally agree that children should always come first and new partners have to adapt to what's best for the children. However, I can understand why you feel abit miffed. But, as others have said, it's just a day. Mind over matter +++++++++++++++++
I practice that in abundance

Honestly OP I think you are a part time convenience for him.
This is your life if you choose to accept crumbs.
I think you deserve better.
He has a family that are his priority.
Why would you be hanging around waiting for him to be available.

Let him off.

I wouldn't touch a man with children and an ex.
You are always on the backfoot.
I deserve better.

Until what point/age do children come first?

I agree when they are school aged that they should. But what about 25 year old children or older?

He sounds like a selfish twat.

Dump him OP. He will probably get back with his abusive ex.

I think you’ve been a saint putting up with it for this long, they are separated. No need to spend Xmas together for the kids. I’m divorced and my kids see me and their dad at Xmas separately just like every other separated parents I know. That way the kids get ‘two xmas’s’. I wouldn’t dream of leaving my partner to spend Xmas with my ex, we spend Xmas as a family with the kids as does my ex with his partner. There’s enough time over the festive period! Honestly I’d be telling him it needs to change next year or I’d be leaving. I can’t even imagine how you feel sitting on the sidelines whilst the friends don’t even bother to invite you!

@melissajreyes he's keeping his options open and playing it by ear. Find yourself a man with no children. You're too young for all this complication. Your life sounds like that of an ex wife. He's having fun with the kids and another woman while you're on your own.

Just thinking about this, OP, I reckon he’d been pretty swiftly disinvited the minute his ex got a serious boyfriend. I suspect neither she nor the BF would want him around. Or they would insist on her BF being included.

It's a reallt tough situation. It's lovely they can spend Christmas together. I'm guessing she doesn't have a new relationship. They can do that without wanting to be together.

Cancelling your evening plans is a bit off though. Edited - after seeing him saying you are causing drama, get rid. He can't give you what you want.

You'll be starting a new year without this crap OP, although you will hurt a bit!
He of course blamed you "causing drama" - well no need to worry about you rocking his boat anymore! Because you are going to rise up and find a man who includes you into everything in his life! Sorry its come to this but good luck x

I haven't read the full thread but this is not normal. I went through the same with my ex and tried to rationalise it as 'good parent behaviour'. It's not. Ultimately I found out years down the line that there was far more to it all, lots of lies and ultimately they were sleeping together. Listen to your gut.

My dh has got a child from a previous relationship and we got together when his son was two (he's now 21), every christmas he visits his son for a couple of hours on the day and then comes home.
He does this because he wants to see his son but also wants to see me, which is as it should be.

Your partner is still playing happy families with his ex, one of his kids is almost an adult and the other one isn't a little kid any more.
Of course he should go and see them but to then go to a friend's house surely you should be the one invited there and not his ex, you've been together a long time now and should be part of his children's lives too.

I'd find it very strange if dh's friends invited him and his ex together.

Parenting is so hard and a real balancing act as it. It's even harder to date someone without children - and balance that too. I fully respect his role as a father and I would never try to get in the way of that. He acknowledges this - which is great - but even so, I'm bottom of the pile all too frequently. I do not appreciate being told I'm 'causing drama' if I ask to have my basic needs met after 3 years.

Well at least he’s been honest with you even if the bottom line is he’s still inconsiderate.

So yes I think it’s time to move on, OP. Again I’d advise finding a man without kids - especially if you want some of your own.

While your partner is a bit extreme and not necessarily typical of a man with kids, I know various childfree women who still struggle with similar things when dating men with kids even ifs not to the same degree.

It’s just easier all round and I think we all deserve to be no. 1 priority, when we prioritise our partner. Otherwise it’s imbalanced and the inevitable resentment creeps up over time.

I don't think you've got what I'd call a partner.

Hi OP
Seems you have him sussed.
You know the answer already. And good for you. Good luck, you are gonna be fine!

The problem is that they separated and they are trying to act like they are still together.

You can be amicable for the children and still lead your own lives.

The ex has priority over the new girlfriend at Xmas so I can understand why OP is upset,

He's already spending time with his kids. To then cancel an arrangement with you to spend more time with them, when he has already had the time that was considered acceptable before the addional offer feels off to me too.

He's in a relationship with you too and and although he should prioritise his children this feels a step too far. He could have perhaps included you in the additional arrangement, you've been with him for 3 years after all
... or just left his ex to take the kids. He does "owe" some time and respect to you as his long term partner too.

Whether it’s normal or not, you don’t have to accept it. Dating men with kids is a pain in the arse if you don’t have them and I’d perhaps reevaluate your relationship if parts of it are not making you happy.

It's shit.

Why are posters always so mean? Why should the OP have to put up with Xmas with her parents like a child forever whilst her "DP" plays Happy Families with his XW?

Literally no one on MN would be ok with this. Fair enough if she had her own DCs to be with and accommodate but she doesn't. The posters saying it's fine are clearly first wives who've never been in the situation of being sidelined by a man and packed off to spend Xmas with parents like Bridget Jones.

Christmas day I wouldn't necessarily have a problem with BUT the extension into family day's out visiting family friends, cancelled evening plans and the additional info that they spend all holidays together and travel regularly as a family - absolutely not. I don't think that's normal levels of contact at all.

Agree with a PP who said that it seems that they are still acting as a married couple and you are the side piece.

I would be ending it unfortunately. It's absolutely correct for a dad to prioritise his kids, but not prioritise his ex wife as part of that.