Partner spending Christmas with ex-wife/kids/friends.

What a shitty comment. Did you RTFT? Have you had a few?

He has kids ...that's the Christmas time, with nuclear family. You aren't even married yet , just an add on

OP i think its hard to decide what is normal and what you would put up with. Year 1 its all new and you dont want to seem needy etc. Year 2 you accept what went before. Year 3 you were accepting of the christmas DAY plan and expected your evening plans to be seeing your partner. All reasonable. Your partner then cancels your evening-together plans to hang out with friends, and, his.ex wife - and he dresses it up as being for the kids. It the cancellation to see pals didnt annoy me, the sugar coating (lying about the reason) would. He then basically victim-blames when you air your feelings which are inconsistent with what he expects you to feel. You called him out, quite rightly and he turms it on you - that is unreasonable. With all r.ships we have to weigh up what we would and would not accept. Maybe put your r.ship in a non-exclusive category so that you too can have your cake and eat it! (He is kidding on this is all for the sake of the children). Good luck with your decision.

I really feel for you OP.
When you tried discussing it with him, what he said to you made me think "that's narcissistic talk". And then reading the rest of your comment I think its clear he's been living a 'have my cake and eat it' life. One good thing is that everything is on the table and you fully know where you stand now. See it as an education on 'how not to be treated' in a relationship again.
Good luck for the future x

He’s still too enmeshed with his ex . He’s playing happy families when it suits him and he’s got you waiting in the wings for when he’s not doing the family stuff. He wants his cake and eat it.

Definitely it’s a positive to co parent amicably and to work together to make the kids lives easier but this is way too much.

Hes not ready for a full on relationship.

You'd be better with someone your own age without kids tbh

I would end this relationship and look for someone who has time for you.

It's all very mature and inclusive but seems to include everyone except for you. If they get along so we'll as co parents etc why can't you be a part of it?

I don't believe it will all end when the youngest turns 18 either. In the future there will be weddings and grandchildren- all new opportunities to leave you home alone.

You're not a priority, you're a backup plan, kept dangling 'til he needs you - what he doesn't get at home he gets from you - don't waste your time and life, he's an operator !

This is how mistresses live (no sympathy for them, tbc) - last thought of, kept in the background, lowest priority, left out, your feelings don't matter. His arrangements and comforts come first. Fun event with friends? You're dropped. Hope you can do some thinking. I reckon your family are worried about you.

I would think your partner is bored with your relationship because I have lots of people around where I live that have similar situations and they don’t dump their current partner. They agree with their ex to have the children one year on Boxing Day and one year on Christmas Day and then they swap the the following year, but the partner of the new relationship does not go back and stay with his ex. I would say read between the lines he has still feelings for his ex could be wrong but he is wrong in doing that and using the kids which is wrong, I would think it would be time for you to move on.

As someone who was in a relationship like this for 3 years, I suggest moving on. It took me years of being the forgotten person despite everything that I did for, and with my partner and his kids. It was heartbreaking for me always being the last priority. I was very supportive of him having a great relationship with his ex wife, but it was devastating to never be allowed to be a part of that. Eventually we broke up and I am in a much happier and healthier relationship!

He's a selfish man OP.
Having Christmas with the kids is one thing, the extra invitation could have included you or his wife taking them and him spending time with you.

He certainly has been eating his cake and having it too.

No one is saying he should dump the kids, but as others have said, how long will this go on for.....
He's said 5 years now, but then comes Uni, first jobs etc.

He can be a present dad whilst still having a healthy relationship with you.

He's not trying to have you be a step parent or part of the family, he's consciously excluding you and that won't change.

You've been more than patient to last 3 years.

Who funds the holidays etc, is he enjoying the free rides?

This. It’s not about rights and wrongs, it just comes down to how you feel. If you feel you’re often having to take a backseat in your relationship and it doesn’t suit you, and you want to be more of a priority, then it’s just not the relationship for you. I wouldn’t fancy that arrangement either OP.

Hope you have a nice Christmas with your family. Not that parents views are paramount, but I wonder if they worry about your arrangement / relationship set up in which you’re not the priority.. (I get he has kids but they’re not particularly young for him to still be sprinting Xmas with them and the ex wife.

I think there’s something better for you out there. 💜

It's good that they get along for the kids sake.

But, it sounds like your having doubts about the relationship, so I would suggest that you spend this time enjoying yourself with your family and friends and seriously think about if you want to continue the relationship with this man.

Honestly, I think that this will continue for years as he says, and unless you marry or have children yourselves, then you will always be the last option. If you did marry and/or have kids, what would happen then, would you be included? It wouldn't be so bad if you were included in ANY of these events now either. i think it seems from your responses that, the effect this having on you after the evening cancellation is really negative and you want a relationship where you are included. Please update us that you are OK after Christmas.

How many people go out socializing with friends and break plans with current partner to do so? And how many go off every holiday with an abusive ex?

Thankyou for that common sense.

Think of the children!!!!!
😂

You were supposed to crumble that you're unhappy that he's socializing with his ex and friends and spending every holiday with his ex and kids.

Come. On. Now.

This guy may be divorced on paper but he's still married. Smart move to drop him because he likes having a side piece who he can drop when he wants to play Family Guy.

Some posters have given you a hard time and IMO that isn’t justified at all. This is a very strange situation. That amount of time with both parents playing happy families over the festive season, leaving you entirely aside must be giving a peculiar message to his kids. Clearly, you are not objecting to your partner spending some time with his kids and their mother, but this is excessive damaging to your relationship. Personally, I think you should be kind to yourself and move on, but that’s your call.

I couldn’t put up with this for the rest of my life OP!

You’re allowed to have feelings as a partner . I have a stepmum , I am a stepmum and my children have a stepmum so I’ve got a lot of experiences with this and it’s friggin complicated!!
I love that he is with his children and ex on Christmas Day, hopefully it means the kids will be well adjusted adults and feel totally loved and secure even though their parents are divorced . But it doesn’t mean he can change plans with you and never prioritise you, especially on Christmas Day! Why can’t you be invited too , and if not he shouldn’t go. The mum can take them, and he has spent the day with them, then he has a partner to go to. It seems to be he is taking you for granted a bit.

For your sake, please leave. You deserve a relationship in which you are not always bottom of the pile.

This site is full of people who want to tear you down. Read my thread, some of the people are just downright nasty. But honestly I feel exactly where you’re coming from, just because children should come first it doesn’t mean your feelings aren’t valid. There’s no reason he couldn’t get up early and go round there to see his kids open presents, or split the day with his ex. He can be a good dad without being a present ex to his ex wife. This situation with my ex tore me apart (amongst a lot of other terrible things) I think you do deserve a man with no kids x

Have you met the ‘mutual’ friends?
have you been introduced to his social circle as his girlfriend?

it reads to me as if he’s working on reconciling his marriage.

it also reads that the kids may think his parents are working on their marriage.

Either way, he is not emotionally available for you because the memories you would expect to make with your partner are being made by your partner and his (former) wife.

This is not an issue of ‘you knew he came with kids’, this reads as an issue of ‘he and his wife are having a relationship still’.

Start putting your own feelings and emotional welfare first.

To be honest it won’t change. How long have you been together? There needs to be boundaries with exes I think even when kids are involved, especially when you’re in a new relationship. I would leave

Leave, now.