Expecting to much from Mum?

Physical* I've been at the Baileys.

My Mum has stayed with my alcoholic father for nearly 40 years. We grew up in a nightmare house of domestic violence and extreme psychological and at times psychical abuse.

She was a shite mum and still is. But I love her. She has next to no relationship with my kids. Sees them once or twice a year but she knows she's shite, she openly admits it. Taken years of pain and reflection to realise that she's just beaten down by her own trauma, as is my father. They're both absolutely fucked but I love them for who they are, not what they can do for me, which I figured out early on is absolutely nothing 🤣

I visited them yesterday actually and we had a much nicer Christmas meet up now I've learned to manage my expectations, they'll never change. It was abit awkward between them and my children at first but everyone made the effort. It's a rough deal OP and it hurts but you have to take it for what it is.

Did she ever deal with her trauma? She's probably got unresolved guilt about what happened to you to and just can't deal with any of it. Keeping you at arm's length may be her way of coping.

She can be someone else in her new environment, no one knows her history. She's could just be masking though. You probably remind her of a painful time. I don't mean that to sound unkind, it's not you as a person that will be difficult for her, but what you represent in her memories.

Focus on you, you matter most. Unless your mother deals with what happened, she may not be capable of giving you the relationship you want with her.

I would just go low contact then
I’ve done the same with my father. He was a complete dick head while we were growing up.
I will not be wiping his Jacksey when the time comes, but I don’t mind sending him the Christmas card and popping round for a cup of tea twice a year kind of thing.
Last time I asked him for any kind of conversation or advice about anything he just started quoting how it had worked for him 30 years ago absolutely useless in terms of practicality but it’s all he knows. It is difficult.

Your mum was abused. People who end up living in abusive marriages tend to have shitty abusive childhoods. People who grow up vulnerable tend to have low self esteem and struggle making connections and mental health issues whether diagnosed or not.

I'm sure she does care about you in her own way, I'd expect being around your DC is just too difficult, and they and you remind her of a time she'd rather forget. She sounds traumatised and depressed rather than malicious or anything else. If her childhood and motherhood was crappy then she may well not know how to be fun. As long as her only 'crime' is being a bit disinterested then I'd chalk it up to her only giving what she can which isn't much and perhaps working through grieving for the parents you wish you had.

I wonder if she’s in functioning mode. In that she had all her emotions quashed for so long she just gets through each day ? She literally doesn’t know how to have a fun time with your children.
It’s up to you if you cut her out of your life , you don’t have to justify yourself or give reasons. Sadly I think this is the price you’ve both paid for your father’s abusive behaviour.

Sounds really tough. Demanding job and single parenting is brutal. Have you got other support? Can you ask her specifically for what you would like??

I do worry about counsellors who seem to constantly suggest no contact. We’re all gonna end up entirely on our own with zero support aside of counsellor that charges £120 an hour.

For me, I would never cut her off without an incident or something happening, but managing your expectations I think would be important for you. If nothing else to make sure that you don’t replicate it with your own children.

She’s probably still really really depressed. It sounds as if she’s had a tough life which doesn’t take anything away from you. You and what it sounds like you’ve been through as well.
But she hasn’t got much of a cup to pour from has she?