Expecting to much from Mum?

Al-Anon will help you deal with the resentment feelings, OP. I come from a similar background and can thoroughly recommend it

The ability for a person to reach out to another when they need help, has to come from a place of good intentions and a desire to help make someone happy.

How much of this your mother has, is between you and her.......I hope you don't give up on her but remember, she will be vulnerable and time, is the greatest healer.

@Usernamen I understood the point about class was more to do with options to leave.

We're MC and both parents are highly educated professionals. The 'abuser' is even renowned in their field.

If only people knew what went on behind closed doors...

Do people really think DV is limited to WC households?

I'm afraid I think the "but she couldn't leave" excuse to be completely overblown. Plenty of women could leave, to protect their children, but they chose not to and the children suffered. DV discussions almost always focus on the woman and ignore the children. They also focus on physical violence, addiction etc. and less on emotional abuse (which is what we were subject to). I have a very fraught relationship with my mother now and part of that is because she didn't protect us when she was the only person who COULD protect us. A child is truly helpless, an adult woman has choices, as unpalatable as they may be. To choose financial comfort, misplaced feelings of love/loyalty, etc. over the safety of your children is unforgivable, no matter how you want to dress it up.

My post should’ve said it was easier to leave then then it is now that was the point. There was an abundance of council accommodation, again I can remember a single uncle in his 30s with no children being put into a flat locally. That would not happen now.
Of course people transferred between themselves how swaps etc but you could go in and out of relationships, my own mother was on a mortgage with my stepfather and secured a two bedroom flat for herself when she left and then went back. People used to hoard Council flats in case relationships didn’t work. Not to mention the subletting that went on. Probably still does.
Whilst I think they might have been psychological barriers, of course.
The OP has explained her mother was middle class and therefore didn’t face as many of these as some.

Honestly, if it would make you feel better, you would be reasonable to go no contact with her. She suffered from abuse from your father but so did you and it was your mum's responsibility to try and protect you.

She isn't interested in your or her grandchildren and even the limited contact that you have is making you unhappy. Put yourself first for once and do what will make you feel happier. If that means reducing or cutting off any contact, that is the right thing for you to do.

My childhood was somewhat like this - and my relationship with my mum was never close. She was distant, not interested in me or her grandchildren and not supportive (and I felt like I needed a mum a lot). Many times I felt like cutting her off as it's caused me a lot of pain over the years.

We're both getting on now and I understand her better (her life with my father and with young children was a non-stop grind. She must have been so unhappy and, unlike now, there were no benefits, no escape routes, and the police weren't interested in domestic violence).

I also think she's got some autistic traits and, while, she's not been a good mum in many conventional ways, in other ways she's exceeded the norm.

Now that she's aging and the next ten years could bring real problems and infirmity, I feel we're in a different situation now - the tables have sort of turned.

Although I didn't think I'd want to support her into her old age, I've changed my mind. I think she's done her best given her limitations (which are significant).

I think two things can be true, she had a shitty life/marriage and she is / was a crap parent. I have similar, provided lots of support to my mum when my dad was alive, from being a very small child listened to her woes and how awful he was. Both very emotionally damaged people, He's dead now so she doesn't need me and she just does not bother with me unless she wants something. I'd just treat her like a distant acquaintance to be honest rather than a parent as she can't be one for whatever reason. Otherwise you drive yourself mad trying to work out why she is like she is. Just lessen your expectations - she won't suddenly have an epiphany sadly. It's like talking to her in a foreign language she can't speak, or asking her to plumb a new bathroom in, she can't do it and doesn't want to learn.

Oh and don't tell her stuff. Think, would I go up to a random stranger in the street and tell them this thing, no ? well don't tell your mother!

This with bells on. You only have to watch films such as Nil by Mouth to see a realistic portrayal of what life was/is like for wc women in abusive relationships. My mums parents died when she was twenty, and she went from one abusive marriage to another with my father. We struggled to phathom how/why she stayed. Now I understand that she had limited if not zero options if we wanted a roof over our heads. Neither of my parents would have chosen the life they had/have, but they became stuck in a relationship filled with addiction, codependency, trauma, and undiagnosed ND. I still see women in my family in similar positions, and no matter how much awareness is raised of domestic violence, it's still not as cut and dry as we like to believe. It really sucks.

I'm sorry this happened to you. This and other terrible things happened with my mum and I now believe that my mum was traumatised and made numb by DV. As another poster wisely said, it was all she was capable of. Many parents failed in their duty to care and nurture their children, often because they were traumatised themselves or did not know any better inc mine. Your counsellor is right but we can only control now and how we respond/deal with it.
I grew up in council housing. In the 60's to 90's, we moved four times - not through the council but by swapping with other council tenants - I believe that there was a list, you contacted others and made the arrangement privately and then informed the council. However, I have since found out that many men (inc my dad and uncles) kept the tenancy in their own name and excluded their wives - another form of control. Even 20 years after my dad's death, my mum was terrified that the council would think that she had no right to the tenancy, so no, it was not easy to leave - especially with children.
I cannot stress enough, how little power many working class women had over their lives in the previous decades and probably now as well.

When we know better, we do better etc.

I'm sorry, this is very sad and puzzling for you.
I look at situations like this where the daughter keeps on trying to keep some kind of relationship going against all odds, and think how incredibly lucky that parent is - but your mum obviously doesn't realise that. Life is so strange.
Happy Christmas x

@HPandthelastwish in the 80s and the 90s people just moved from one council flat to another. I can remember being in a three bedroom maisonette. Upon announcing that there were more babies joining the family we were in a four bedroom house before those babies were born so six months in total.
I would suggest it was easier to leave in the 80s and 90s and it is now.

I’d say it was fairly easy to leave up until the mid 2000s

I wouldn't be comparing the choices your mum might have had in that situation today with what was available to her and society at the time.

I assume that she was largely parenting in the 80/90s etc, being a single mum was still pretty taboo as was divorce, and lots of women were still expected to put up and shut up with alot, Marital Rape wasn't made illegal until 1992, Therapy was an American thing, we were very 'stiff upper lip ' still or awareness on DV was less of a thing, lots of families experienced abuse of one sort or another and within certain communities was likely to be a shared experience so that was life why would you change it? When EastEnders came about it did a huge amount of good showing DV storylines and bringing things to light. Work opportunities were, for someone like your mum who doesn't sound like a high flyer probably limited to low paid retail or factory work, I'd imagine she felt pretty stuck. Life has come a long way in the last 30/40 years.

Do what she does and offer her what you can and no more. Lower your expectations to pretty much nothing if you want to stay in touch.
And step back and maintain boundaries as you need to.

I'm sorry that you didn't get the parents you deserved, I don't think it's unreasonable to wish for a for a better relationship but unfortunately it might be all she's capable of, she probably isn't very well herself if she felt she had no choice but to stay with an abuser. Well done on doing the work for yourself though!

It does sound like she's in deep denial. I think one of the (many) hard things about abuse is there is no logic to it. You cannot apply 'normal' to any of the behaviours on either side, perpetrator or recipient. It distorts everything and even when you've distanced yourself, it makes no sense.

Should your mother have protected you? Absolutely. Was she capable of doing it given the DV? Probably not. Your counsellor has an unusual take and seems to be victim blaming your mother. Are they experienced in domestic abuse?

Yes - I'm sure that it's justified in cases of abuse but there seems to be a very high number of no and low contacts. Particularly after visiting therapists and counsellors.