Why is my Husband so miserable. 11 days post 2nd baby

The reason he's pissy is because this is the first time he's ever had to properly parent. You took the lead on the first child. He never had to actually do all the parenting. And now with a second child that you are (almost) fully parenting he has to step up. And he's realizing it's hard work

Was he holding a baby who was awake and happy, or one that was screaming for a feed? Because ten mins of faffing is a long wait if they are crying.

Agree with the others, no point him doing nappies in the night. You're awake anyway, and napping when the toddler naps. Makes sense for him to get as much rest as possible overnight to then step up as much as possible during the day.

A male friend of mine said number two was much harder as (in retrospect) his wife had been subbing him a lot with the first and that was no longer possible with two

You need your rest OP, you have given birth. I made the mistake of thinking DH was equally tired. Only realised much later that he gets that exhausted (and lets us know) in the normal course of life, whereas the tiredness after pregnancy, birth and sleepless nights in hospital really wasn't the normal course of anything.

Mine pooed loads in the night at this age

Yeh I would just let him sleep and be up at 5 or 6 on toddler duty. No point both having broken sleep.

i often went to bed about 8/9, left newborn with DH who gave a dream feed at 11 then both to bed. Then I’d be up from 12/1 with baby all night and DH do toddler from silly o clock.

i do remember DH being floored by having our second. Imagine if he’d been dealing with sleep deprivation and abdominal surgery too 🙄 but once your annoyance has died down, try to look at how to get each of you as much rest as possible (which is never enough sadly!)

Personally, sleep deprivation breaks me. I can't see why he needs to change the nappy if you are up feeding. If it needs changing, you do it. Let him have his sleep if he has toddler during the day.

What we learnt from going from 1 - 2 is that what worked first time around (sharing wake ups) wasn't going to work this time around because you have a toddler during the day

Also, it's been a while but I seem to remember Day 10-11 being the kicker for hormones.

Be kind to each other, chat stuff through but try and give each other more of a rest and chill out / use the village to take baby / toddler out whilst you have a nap.

I notice you mention a trauma birth. How traumatic was your birth to witness, is this behaviour out of character for him/ is there any chance of struggles with onset of PTSD type symptoms? My OH was diagnosed with it long after my very traumatic birth - he thought he’d lost his wife and child and it traumatised him but as the dad/“bystander” he wasn’t offered the extensive support I was after and it went unchecked. Is it worth a chat to get to the root of the struggle?

If you are combo feeding another idea is split shifts at night.

I used to bathe both kids, put the toddler to bed, bf the baby then go to bed myself around 7-7.30pm. XH would take the baby and take care of any feeds (expressed bm or formula) until about midnight, so I'd get a good long chunk of unbroken sleep before taking over care of the baby until morning.

That was with him working and me looking after both kids all day myself. It wasn't perfect and we definitely had our moments (he is, afterall, an ex!) but at least we had enough sleep to function.

I don't think anyone is the asshole. You're both in the trenches, and drowning in the chaos of having a toddler and new baby, alongside sleep deprivation.

Be gentle with each other. You are obviously the priority to some extent. Breastfeeding is mentally and physically demanding and you're recovering from surgery. Is there anyone who can take your toddler for an afternoon?

Is he back at work tomorrow?
Don't play the "who has the shittest life" game.
You are both tired and probably over it. Don't run round after him
Say you are both over tired. Can you agree on something that works for both of you?

Just read your post again, you told me you weren't going to be long and then he text you when baby woke up.. is it possible he thought you were only going to be five minutes (like I'd presume from what you said) and you were a lot longer? And it was just too much?

You have another big baby.

The first weeks with a baby can be so incredibly draining (while glorious!) so I mean this with grace, why is your husband getting up in the night to change nappy and bottle feed? You are both getting broken sleep.

He cares for the toddler, but doesn't get to rest when the toddler naps because that's when you nap, so then he has to watch the baby and gets no nap. And then you both suffer with broken sleep.

If you're up anyway because you're feeding, could you change the nappy or give the bottle if required? If he is getting a good night of sleep, and you get a nap in the day, it might work a bit better.

Can he just sleep through the night? I always did that with partner, felt there was no point in both of us being up..
And then maybe once/twice during the day when you're feeding baby read stories/watch cartoons with toddler and your husband can have a mental break..
You've been through a lot but minding a toddler all day is hard work and trying to support you - he'll probably be fine after some rest!

Yes I think if you're able to move about a bit more now OP maybe you could change babies nappy?

Adding to others who are saying can you just take the nights with the baby? His being sleep deprived for the same of a nappy change doesn’t seem worth it to me. I realised through that it could be a physical things you need him to do because of your c section?

I always valued a husband who’d had a full nights sleep more than a little bit of extra help in the night

It's a stressful time and you are both exhausted - little outbursts of frustration are normal and to be expected. Try to be forgiving and supportive rather than turning it into a you vs him thing.

I did also wonder why he has to be involved in night time care of the baby, given daytime care of a toddler is fairly relentless.

10 or so minutes earlier.. he just needed that break and snapped. As long as he didn't call her names he's only human.

None poopy dc don't need changed in the night.

Sleep deprivation is hideous.. It is still used in army training... Because it can break people..

Absolutely this. If he's struggling with the lack of sleep and the looking after 2 year old with no break then maybe he needs a break. Is there someone else who could watch 2 year old for a bit so he can get some z's.

Oh love. It’s so fucking hard. That transition from one to two nearly broke us at points, it’s non stop grind.

All I can say is -

1. Priorise being kind to each other. Both of you.
2. You had major abdominal surgery less than two weeks ago. Be realistic about what you can do.
3. Draft in anyone - literally anyone - to share the load. Don’t be afraid to ask someone to take the baby for an hour so you can both loll on the sofa when 2yo naps
4. Don’t make any big decisions for the next few months - it’s what stopped DH and I divorcing when we were sleep deprived
5. see 1 above. Be kind to each other, above pretty much everything other than child welfare.

He could’ve had a break in the lovely bubble bath OP ran for him earlier, but he preferred to have a tantrum and let all the water out instead.

I think 11 days in is just about right for cracks to start to show in my experience of 4 babies. By this point your both tired, the newborn high has worn off a bit and the reality of the relentless slog of your new normal is starting to set in. I don’t think either of you are being unreasonable it’s just hard having a toddler and a newborn and everyone feels like they’re not getting enough rest and starts to feel resentful of the other person. It’s human nature and no one is at their best when sleep deprived. As a PP said try to think of yourselves as a team and not to turn on each other. Of course your recovery is important and that should be a big priority but he’s allowed to have feelings and find it hard too.

Well what is he like usually?

If he's usually great and supportive, I'd assume he was just tired and having a moment. He's allowed a bit of grace too.

It sounds really hard there tbh. You're probably both knackered and emotional. Is there any possibility of getting help in during the day so he can have a rest?