Why is my Husband so miserable. 11 days post 2nd baby

We are about to have our fourth and our oldest has just turned 6. We went through a very difficult time after baby #2. We turned parenting into a competition of who had it the hardest, who was more tired. And we stopped being kind to each other. We became bitter and our relationship was very fractured.

We had a couple of very vulnerable heartfelt, calm conversations and endeavoured to put kindness towards each other first and work hard at our relationship and put everything else second. It saved our marriage and we are about to have our last baby and we are under pressure with about to be 4 young kids but our relationship is the best it’s been.

you can do this but you both need to really have a calm heart to heart and both want to work at it

Exactly this. Funnily enough the biggest row my husband and I had after having our first baby was over a bath he ran me. Because a) he did it in the bathroom straight after he had just used the toilet and it was smelly in there and b) I wanted to do it myself, to my preferred depth and temperature, and tbh I wanted the extra time this would take. He denied me like ten minutes of the break I had been looking forward to for hours. He ended up pulling the plug as well after I complained.

It was a stupid argument, but also it is wasn't, because at that moment those ten extra minutes and that longed for me-time meant the world to me.

I hate feeling like he is allocating me time. Like my breaks are on his terms, for as long as he can offer me them. So I understand that frustration well.

You have a husband problem. He's being an arse because unlike with Baby #1 he has to be more hands on than he's had to be before.

Maybe a bubble bath isn't the break he wanted or needed at that moment. I wouldn't want one right before walking the dogs. It was thoughtful of OP to offer it but maybe next time it'd be better if they actually talked about it and he could choose the break he wants rather than the break he's given.

Well he was about to get his break but threw his toys out of the pram instead.

What a knob he is! You seem to be coping just fine after major surgery. What’s his excuse?

OP isn't just recovering from childbirth, but a C-section and breastfeeding too. Her needs by far outweigh her husband's right now, how on earth do you think this is a situation of equal needs?

Same. Feeding triggers the digestive system!

I get it. I had a 2 year old in lockdown and he was absolutely exhausting for 14 hours a day. In his head he's getting up to change the baby's nappy (why?), looking after the toddler all day as well as the baby while you nap. When you say "when the toddler went to bed" is he doing bedtime too? He probably would really benefit from an hour where you stick the TV on for the toddler while you feed the baby.

You are both likely exhausted. Be kind to each other. He didn't express it in the best way, but maybe he does need to try and have an hour out each day?

And?? He's crying out for a break from the toddler.

I’m confused as to why he didn’t have a bath if he wanted a break?
He would have known having a newborn means little sleep. How is this a surprise to him. He should apologise. My husband also did all the night time nappies changes so I could go back to sleep after feeding.

She’s just had a baby!

Unless, as in my case, feeding always ended in a pooy nappy so nappies were changed afterwards here 😅

op it’s hard and neither of you are wrong.
As PPs have said, drop the post feed nappy change. I always changed nappy before feed and the LO went off into a milky sleep and zonked out. Never had any issues with nappy rash.
Suggest you go to bed as early as possible after evening feed so you are rested before the night feeds. Let your DP get a good nights sleep most of the time (so he has the energy and no excuse to not handle the early mornings with toddler and baby while you catch up on an hour or two.). Otherwise swap roles ..Dp to bottle feed the expressed milk at night and nappy change, you do all they day stuff. Appreciating each others roles and tiredness levels is hard but definitely better as a team.
Also hard with a toddler as those daytime catnaps disappear and the lack of sleep builds up. Take any offer of outside help that you can and tag team with your DP at all other times.

Right but if she's using the he chose to be a father then she chose to be a mother. It's a shitty argument. Parenting is tough. They're 2 weeks in to newborn hell. They both need a break. There are limited breaks. But her husband is saying he needs one and it's got to 11 days before he's spoken up to say something so that's pretty good going.

Sorry just read the thread again, did your DH actually want a bath? If not, you spending 10 minutes running him one after the baby woke up could be a bit annoying for him if the baby was crying for a feed.

Does your husband know how to work the steriliser and wash bottles? Surely he could have done this while you were feeding, instead of you spending another 10 minutes faffing around with that?

I know it's picky, but if he'd got the toddler off to bed and was wanting to take the dog out to tick things off his list, but instead he's holding a hungry baby for at least 20 minutes it could be enough to push a sleep deprived person to the point of frustration.

It's just hard. I think these feelings are normal. For both of you. It can feel relentless but this is temporary and things with baby will settle down. Things probably aren't what he envisioned they'd be like so wasn’t prepared. I have 4 and I'm done, last one was mentally testing for me so no more.

Your recovery is a priority. Do not overdo it because you think you should do more as he's feeling it. Csection wounds can get infected and/or come open. It's important that you listen to your body, including your pelvic floor. You shouldn't be up running about, do the bare minimum for now, as rest can help prevent future prolapse. Your muscles have done a lot.

Changing nappy, if needed, is usually better to do before a feed so it wakes them up to feed and they aren't getting disturbed again when you change them after dozing off with a full belly.

"I am up breastfeeding baby during the night, with my Husband then changing her nappy after an hour or so’s feed."

I'm not sure I quite understand this bit.

Are you saying that you breastfeed and then your husband waits an hour and changes the nappy?

It's been a while since we were in this situation, but I think we used to feed the baby, burp him, put him down to sleep and then change the nappy when he woke up.

With an 11pm feed, that would take it through until 2-3am and then 6-7am.

My wife's milk never arrived in sufficient quantities, so we combi fed.

My wife went to bed at the same time as our toddler (7pm) and I did a feed at around 11pm and the morning feed around 6-7am. My wife took care of things during the night. If the baby woke up at 3am that gave my wife 7 hours 'uninterrupted' sleep from 7pm to 3am and then maybe 4am until 8am. That seemed to work fairly well for us.

Well no, she's using the fact she had major surgery less than 2 weeks ago as an excuse. Which by all accounts is far more reasonable than just hanging out with your own 2yo. And the fact she is up most of the night feeding when he's just doing the odd nappy.

Men's testosterone takes a massive dip after a baby. He's probably not his normal self and is a bit tired from helping you out. It's not unreasonable to ask for a break. I will say men tend to need a break when a woman is just getting started but you're a team and this is a difficult time together. Communication is so very important at this time.

Are you ok to have a bath yet? I had a section and I'm sure it was 4 weeks before I could immerse the wound like that? Might be wrong tho.

Why is he so miserable? Because he is experiencing the reality of the natural disaster in the making that is having two under two. He needs to get over himself as it’ll be hard work for a while (4/5 yrs?). You need a team chat

I’m curious as to why he’s changing the nappy at night. I had a Moses basket next to the bed, plus all the nappy stuff. I’d feed and change the nappy and get the baby back into the Moses basket without having to leave the bed (also had had cs’s). More than 9 times out of 10 dh would sleep through. Not sure why you both have to have a broken night.

100% this. I had twins and had no fuel in the tank for me, let alone him as well. So he had to step up from the off

I also made the mistake of thinking he was as tired as me. He really wasn’t. I was drained from the IVF, pregnancy, being 43, twins and working until 2 weeks before the birth. Then l was breastfeeding them. In reality he was reading and watching films in his downtime. I was power pumping at 3am 😵‍💫 If l can do it again then l would have done less, concentrating on recovery from c section and the rigours of breastfeeding

Agree with others, it’s really really hard and you both need a break. Sleep wise it makes no sense for you both to be waking up each time one to feed and one to do a nappy, it will be easier for one person to do all of that each night and alternate so that the other is well rested to pick up the slack in the day time.