Why is my Husband so miserable. 11 days post 2nd baby

You both need a break but you're needing it more because of your recovery from a major operation, and the fact you're breastfeeding.
Will you both get a break? Unlikely, unless you've got family around to look after your toddler for a bit. Tensions can run high in a couple after a baby us born, as there's so much sleep deprivation.
It will pass but you need to take care of each other meanwhile. Good luck

You’ve had a major operation - of course, you need a rest. I would think he understands that. I suspect he’s tired and irritable and it was the little things that made him snap. I read your post and wondered why you wasted time running him a bubble bath. That would have pissed me off too because it sounds like dilly dallying. Also, you then had to faff about with bottles and the steriliser, during which he probably lost his patience (you could have sterilised the bottles earlier).

Looking it from his point of view, he asked you to come and you then faffed about doing unnecessary tasks for 20 minutes. He shouldn’t have snapped or been babyish about it, but imagine the situation was reversed. You call for him and he arrives 20 mins later having laid your nightshirt out, polished your bedroom mirror and then washed the cups he should have washed earlier: all delaying and time-wasting, and inadvertently communicating he doesn’t give a toss. That’s how he probably sees your actions, even though you weren’t delaying deliberately.

I'd let him sleep through tbh, especially if you're breastfeeding. With out second we shared a bed with the baby and it was exhausting for us both. With our third we slept in separate rooms so he has the energy to look after the toddlers, which has been a much better arrangement.

I've not had a CS so I don't really know what the recovery is like, but can you feed, pump and change the baby on the bed so you don't need to kneel down or anything?

Can anyone take the dogs in for you for a week or so, is kennels an option? Dogs on top of a baby and another child is a lot to handle at this stage

I think in a way a 2yo is more demanding than a new baby as you can just sit down and hold a baby instead of playing/answering questions/reading books etc.

Can't you swap a bit more? And each have a complete 30min break a day.

Also is he not washing and making bottles?

I have no idea what this first sentence was meant to say, but of course babies need to be changed in the night. My baby pooed pretty much constantly for the first 6 months.

So why did he drain the bath that OP ran for him? He could have had a break relaxing in a bubble bath if he wasn't such a petulant twat.

And I'm really suprised at all the people saying poor man, let him sleep all night.
Tag teaming when they are a bit older sure and you get into more of a routine then sure, but FFS, surely he can hold it together for a few weeks while you recover?

If your baby was 6 months, or even 6 weeks I would have sympathy for him.
But you are 11 DAYS post c section?! He is being pathetic, if he can't bear the brunt of the parenting work and look after you for a couple of weeks after major abdomonal surgery without having a tantrum he is pretty fecking useless.
Has he forgotten that it's not 'just' that you have a baby now, you had a pregnany and a c section and you need to recover?

Why is he up in the night changing nappies when you're already awake? Madness.

I find that men can't take lack of sleep the same as new mums. I'd let him get a good night's sleep so he is fully charged to look after you all in the daytime.

But he does sound like he's being unreasonable, for what it's worth

It's been 11 days!? That's nothing! I think it's pretty pathetic that the man can't take care of his own toddler for less than two weeks without having a meltdown.

That sounds like an exhausting routine for both of you. And you both need breaks to get through this intact.

Pumping as well as bf is shattering because someone has to wash, sterilise and store everything plus deal with bottles. If baby isn't gaining enough weight I'd add in a couple bottles of formula and reduce pumping. Even with inlaws helping me I couldn't keep up the routine you describe. Is it low supply or a latch issue?

You've just had major surgery, less rushing around up and down stairs, let yourself heal. Can you hold baby while toddler watches TV and send hubby upstairs for a break once or twice a day?

Mine had PTSD from my emergency c-section with second and we both existed in a sort of sleep deprived hell until I gave up pumping and bought formula. Baby quickly gained weight, nobody needed to be up every 2 hours, I still breastfed in between but my milk was drying up anyway so it was a huge relief. I breastfed first for 3 years so expected to do same again, but each baby and birth is different. Formula meant he could take a nightshift and be fully in charge while I slept, then I'd wake for my shift, he didn't feel bossed around.

Good luck, it is hard but you'll pull through.

Probably going Against the grain but sounds like he's doing plenty ( as he should be ) really never understand why BF mums wake the dads to do nappies in the night totally pointless both of you having broken sleep changing a nappy takes 60 seconds

Have you ever had a c-section? If not, kindly keep your uneducated thoughts to yourself.

They're allowed to admit they need help. They're not allowed to throw a bloody tantrum.

A real man would have a sense of perspective. His wife's belly is stapled together and if he doesnt realise this is probably tougher for her there's something massively wrong with him.

If he thinks it's all too much, he needs to solve thst problem himself. Call his mother. Call his MIL. Don't throw a tantrum when your wife is exhausted and vulnerable.

Are you for real?

She had major abdominal surgery. He did not.

He can put up with the toddler all day. What's the alternative, in his mind? His wife whose belly is stapled together can run around after HIS toddler?

FFS.

You need extra help

OP, your husband needs a boot to the backside.

He's feeling sorry for himself because he had to parent his child all day and contribute to the nighttime parenting, and you haven't given him a medal for it.

Welcome to adulthood, big boy!

Tell him next time (if?) you as a couple have another baby he can do the pregnancy and the major abdominal surgery to get the baby out, and he can listen to you whinging and pouting and throwing your toys out of your pram about getting some rest less than two weeks later.

Oh come on.

One of the team had major abdominal surgery less than two weeks ago and the other one didn't.

What a nasty thing to say about a man trying his best, “man the fuck up” when he’s already doing a LOT. Men are allowed to struggle too. Men are allowed to be tired too. Men are allowed to need a fucking break too. Him taking care of their toddler plus their dog plus nights with baby is so far from “nothing”, as I’m sure OP would realise if he stepped out for a few days.

You can’t pour from an empty cup and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with admitting you just need that break, that’s not about not being a man, that’s about being fucking human.

Why would there be any expectation that OP stays up all night “because she’s already up bf”, H has unbroken sleep and then OP makes do with a nap during the day?

The only fair thing to do is to essentially sleep in shifts. OP and toddler go to sleep at the same time (7/8pm), H stays awake with baby, OP wakes up around 12/1am and takes over with baby, H sleeps until 6am or whenever toddler wakes. When both children are awake, both parents are awake and chipping in. I agree that it doesn’t seem to make sense to have both parents awake at night at the same time when only one child is awake - waste of precious sleep.

If this was his reactions after your body has completely healed from MAJOR surgery, I would get it slightly but given you have only just given birth 11 days ago I absolutely think he should have more grace and then some. Was he with you at the birth? Does he know what a c-section actually entails? Was he also like this the first time around?

He should be happily pandering without complaint to his family and their every need until you have fully recovered from this surgery and can be welcomed back slowly into a teamwork dynamic. Until then, he needs to man the fuck up and be a father. Him doing that is nothing compared to what you have just put your body through to bring his child safely into this world.

Put your foot down. Sending you lots of love and hugs, you got this mama ❤️

Had he said that he wanted a bath? There might have been something he was looking forward to doing when he got the toddler to bed? I understand that you are both tired, he's allowed to feel tired and in need of a break as well. I always let my husband sleep through the night as much as possible when our babies were small- I was up breastfeeding anyway so I didn't see the point in waking him to change a nappy when I was already awake, I found if he got to sleep all night he'd be much more able to handle more in the day (and I'd try to make up with a nap as well!) sounds like one of those things when you're both feeling exhausted and just argue because you both need a bit of a break

Agreed.