Why is my Husband so miserable. 11 days post 2nd baby

Yes but how was it a protest? Was the offer of a nice bubble bath part of his perceived mistreatment? 🤔

But he is behaving pretty badly. It's fine for him to need a break but to behave in the way he did and just drain the bath that OP had run for him is really childish.

Plus, what does he expect his wife to do? She's establishing breastfeeding and recovering from a traumatic birth and a major operation. It's really unfair of him to take it out on OP.

Honestly, yeah 🤷‍♀️. How do you think single parents manage.

Agreed.

Probably because he didn’t want a bath in the first place. OP decided he did.

I wouldn’t want one either if I then had to get dressed to go out and walk the dogs.

Theres no sense in him changing nappies at night.

Would you want to take a hot bubble bath before having to get dressed again to take the dogs for a walk? Not the order I'd do things...

The absolute disdain for fathers who are doing their best, looking after a post surgical wife, helping with a baby and almost solely looking after a toddler on very little broken sleep is shocking.

Despite not having been through the pregnancy and birth he is doing a hell of a lot of work here and he is only human. He needs a break too.

Does everyone have such disdain for their husbands as they show to fathers on Mumsnet? No wonder there are so many unhappy marriages on here!

A toddler, a new born baby and a wife recovering from major surgery.... Realistically he's not really going to get a break for a long time. If there's any breaks to be had, you should be getting them, as you are recovering from an op and keeping his baby alive.
If he's really so wet that he can't cope, then suggest that he buys in some help.
Sadly, this childish behaviour often kicks in after the birth of DC2. Juggling one baby between 2 adults is easily doable, juggling 2 babies, or a baby and a toddler is a lot more demanding.

My two year old behaves a bit like this DH. If he doesn’t get his milk fast enough, he goes in the huff and doesn’t want it anymore. Forgivable in a tiny human whose brain is about 20 years off from complete maturity, less so in a grown man who is fully aware that his wife was cut open 11 days ago and that her cut up body is still solely responsible for keeping his child alive.
He doesn’t like sharing the load and taking turns in the bath (not even a child free bath in OPs case!) but what’s the alternative? His wife does his share. That’s the alternative. What an arse.
Don’t pander to him OP, you’ve done nothing wrong. You are taking turns and sharing the work like you should. Hopefully, like my toddler, he will take a nap and wake up in better spirits.

Before reading the post in full I said in my head he is miserable because he is now parenting the first kid more than he has ever parented before

Yeah that was what I though to. He’s having to step up and he doesn’t like it. Still he is actually doing his bit to be fair. Some would just point blank refuse <low standards>

Someone else could help out?

Ffs

I've had a c section and I still think if he needs a break he needs a break

I'd need a break if I'd looked after my toddler for 11 days solid and had poor sleep.

So I'm pathetic then... nice..

@wizadora1991 I'd get the toddler into nursery

Because by that stage it wouldn't have been relaxing as they'd had a barney

Absolutely this. It sounds like he's doing his absolute best to help OP recover but he needs a break

Why did he drain the bath in protest when it was his bath?

11 days post c section he should be treating you like a queen.

For those telling her to do the nights alone, I could barely sit up by myself post section and I definitely couldn't twist to lift baby up from the moses basket and sit back down. My husband did all the nights for the first few weeks because I simply couldn't.

I've had a c section and 9 days after it I was washing my horses legs because she has a skin condition that needs regular washing while my husband sat on a bale of hay withour daughter so I didn't have to leave her to care for my horse.

Men are allowed to need a break too. My husband looked broken mentally around day 14 because it's harrowing seeing someone you love go through surgery, struggle to breast feed and cry non stop for 4 days while their hormones crash on basically no sleep while doing EVERYTHING because your wife can't do anything. I can't imagine how hard it would have been if he had to look after a toddler too while doing everything he did for me post partum.

When you love someone you're supposed to be able to find compassion for them not just shout man the fuck up at them like some posters here. The poor man is trying his best, not only mums struggle and by day 11/14 post c section she should be quite able bodied. Is my lived experience educated enough for you?

Probably not much help but my first take on this is to find a dog walker so that's at least one task you don't need to think about, even if it's only for a couple of weeks. Have you anyone who can take the toddler for a couple of hours? A day?
I think what others are saying is right, OP. Let your husband sleep at night and he'll be much happier.

Agree with others too re sleep in shifts, it really helps

Why are you getting him to do nappy changes in the night? That's a really fast way to wear you both out!! You're up feeding, just do it if it needs doing?!

Generally I think women are hormonally geared up struggle less with sleep deprivation. I do all the night stuff with both toddler (very rarely wakes up) and baby and have done so since I could easily get out of bed after c section. I find I feel rested even after 5/6 hours sleep, although usually get more, and as I'm up feeding anyway I don't see any reason to wake my DH to make him change a nappy when I could do that in less than a minute. My DH then is all set to go for the day time to either work then come home and help with childcare/bath/bedtime or if it's a weekend he then covers games, entertainment, feeding and majority of childcare and I feel like I can chill, go for a nap if I want. We're a team and balance out the responsibilities.

If you sleep in shifts it really helps. For example you sleep 8pm to 11pm then your husband goes to sleep that means you have 3 hours of sleep already so your prepared for the night or vice versa. Don't underestimate doing this, it can help so much! Why couldn't he do sterilising bottles while you were getting the toddler to sleep? He can wear baby in a sling or baby carrier then he could have had a bath straight afterwards. We often end up leaving the sterilising bottles etc way too late in the evening and it stops us going to bed/having time to relax because we've forgotten that one last task to do. Perhaps a routine would help straight after dinner. Yes one of you will always be with a child and the other will usually be with the other child. It's just how it works when you are at home with two children and he needs to adapt to it. Be aware that men can get ppd too though. Washing your body and sleeping are not breaks they are basic maintenance/human needs. Reading a book, playing a game, going for a walk or watching a show are breaks! No one really gets a proper break in the first 3-6 weeks of having a newborn. I lost so much blood during my c section I couldn't even walk around the house so you are doing incredibly well to be doing so much already and I'd point that out to him!

Before reading the post in full I said in my head he is miserable because he is now parenting the first kid more than he has ever parented before.

and then I read about the bath and I’m right. He is pissed off because he has been parenting more than he has before. And he isn’t happy about it.

But don’t reduce your expectations. He will soon enough be back at work, and he will escape for 9/10 hours every day .

This

Plus use your friends and family. A friendly visit breaks up the monotony. They can watch the kids or take the toddler out while you both rest.