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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

New baby in-laws won't visit as we chose to move away

232 replies

dragonflyden · 22/12/2024 19:46

We have a 12 week baby who in-laws have yet to meet because they won't come and visit as we chose to move away and in their words we made our bed by moving away.
I didn't feel up to travelling the 4 hour journey to begin with to see them but was happy for them to come to us but they refused.
Now with Christmas around the corner I could do the journey in theory but I invited them to us as I thought it would be easier to be at home with all mine and babies things but they have said no they will not be putting themselves out because we decided to move away so we either go to them or not at all.
Not visiting them will mean they don't meet their Grandchild AIBU to think if they can't come and see us then never mind and not bother to travel 4 hours for them to meet their Grandchild?

OP posts:
Differentstarts · 22/12/2024 20:20

DerekFaker · 22/12/2024 19:49

Did anyone else wonder what 'new baby in-laws' were?

Yes that's why I clicked on it, i was like what's a baby in law 🤣🤣

HunterHearstHelmsley · 22/12/2024 20:19

They're clearly not bothered about meeting the baby. That's their loss. Stay at home for Christmas.

Lunde · 22/12/2024 20:19

Late 40s? They are having a laugh! I thought you were going to say that they were late 80s!

Enjoy your Christmas at home! 🌲

Sapphire29 · 22/12/2024 20:14

Our families had a similar attitude. Parents did visit once a year but no visits from either set for about 4 years now. My sister hasn't visited once in 25 years.
I did the 7 hour journey to visit them when DD was 10 weeks old.

Notlikeyou1971 · 22/12/2024 20:13

Remember that they get what they give. Don't go out of your way for them either. It's their loss. Honestly,they can't control where you live. They are acting like toddlers.So.. " they made their own bed " when it comes to visits as well.

Mamasperspective · 22/12/2024 20:08

Let them cut their noses off to spite their faces. I would send them the occasional photo (maybe once a month send a couple of pics) and not mention inviting them again. If they mention the move again, I would say, "We moved because it was the best thing for us, it's unreasonable to think that we should have stayed put just to accommodate others when that's not what was best for our little family. If you want to miss meeting your grandchild and you don't want your grandchild to know who you are then that's entirely your prerogative but you have been invited and nothing will change as we're not moving back. I won't ask again going forward so if you decide you would like to visit at any point, feel free to reach out and we can agree a mutually convenient time"

UndermyShoeJoe · 22/12/2024 20:08

I would never drive four hours with a baby.

If they can not be bothered with you return the energy. The door is always open should you wish to visit.

Do not under any circumstances make your yearly holidays a visit “home”.

cryinglaughing · 22/12/2024 20:08

I would leave them to it, it is their loss.

Original poster
dragonflyden · 22/12/2024 20:08

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/12/2024 20:04

Late 40s? Like, born in the late 1940s? Otherwise they’re very young and hugely unreasonable.

Aged late 40s dh and I are in our 20s.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 22/12/2024 20:04

Late 40s? Like, born in the late 1940s? Otherwise they’re very young and hugely unreasonable.

Brainstorm23 · 22/12/2024 20:04

My mother is like this and I don't bother with her. My daughter is nearly 7 and doesn't know her at all and she only lives 25 minutes away!

If they want to visit you then make them very welcome but otherwise don't be putting yourself out taking a baby for a 4 hour drive.

Cherrysoup · 22/12/2024 20:02

Don’t think you’re meant to have a baby in a car seat for anywhere near that length of time. Me and my db both ended up down south, parents up north, difference being that they had lived here at some point so had friends still and were happy to travel to us and wanted to see the dc.

I think your inlaws are being very petty, only in their 40s! I’m going to assume job opportunities are not vast for various sectors in their area, they really can’t blame you for moving for jobs, it’s what we all do.

HisNibs · 22/12/2024 20:00

So their son moved 4 hrs away for his job and their response is 'you've made your bed'
So be it...
It really isn't your problem op. With their attitude, you're better off without them in all honesty.

Casuallydresseddeepinconversation · 22/12/2024 20:00

MouldWoes · 22/12/2024 19:48

How are they mobility wise? 4 hours is quite a long drive for some people

Yeah,including a baby

itsmylife7 · 22/12/2024 19:57

dragonflyden · 22/12/2024 19:53

Mobility wise they are both fit and healthy and only in their late 40s

Show quote history

No way would I visit them.

DaisyChain505 · 22/12/2024 19:55

Kill them with kindness.

Just keep letting them know that there is an invitation for them to come to you and you’d love them to join you.

Dont bite back to the negativity and most importantly let your DH be the one to communicate.

You moved for his job and they are his parents.

wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting · 22/12/2024 19:55

I wouldn't put myself out for them.

Enjoy your first Christmas as a mummy,

nodramaplz · 22/12/2024 19:54

Let them be. They don't want to meet the baby.
Baby dodged a bullet.

TTPDTS · 22/12/2024 19:54

4 hours each way is a lot for a young baby and all of their things!

If that's their stance, leave them to it 🤷🏻‍♀️

Original poster
dragonflyden · 22/12/2024 19:53

MouldWoes · 22/12/2024 19:48

How are they mobility wise? 4 hours is quite a long drive for some people

Mobility wise they are both fit and healthy and only in their late 40s

OP posts:
SemmaLina · 22/12/2024 19:53

They sound awful
You're better off without them
Enjoy your lovely baby , and your first Christmas as a mum

Original poster
dragonflyden · 22/12/2024 19:53

cryinglaughing · 22/12/2024 19:48

Is there more of a back story here?
It sounds rather churlish of them.

Only in as much as they are rather put out at us moving 4 hours away from them but it was for dh job.
For context they are Cornish and anywhere outside of Cornwall to them is like moving abroad.

OP posts:
Floralnomad · 22/12/2024 19:52

Their loss , your child won’t miss what it’s never had, especially at weeks old . Do not go to them unless you are going to the area for other reasons like visiting other family .

toomuchfaff · 22/12/2024 19:52

Let them.

Look up the "Let them" theory. You can't control how others act, you can only control your reactions to their actions. If they don't want to visit "because you moved away" so fkin be it, the trash took itself out. Enjoy your peace with your new baby. When they moan they havebt seen the child, remind them they decided not to come. AS A NEW MOTHER, ITS NOT YOUR JOB TO TAKE THE CHILD TO VISIT PEOPLE. It's your job to recover from BIRTHING A BABY. Let them cut their fkin nose off to spite their face. Enjoy being a new mum.

Goody2ShoesAndTheFilthyBeast · 22/12/2024 19:52

I wouldn't be going to them this year.
Maybe next year.