Dd choosing friend over our outing together

Who is the parent?

Going to a show is so much more demanding then pottering around your own garden.

OP, I agree with a pp that the suspected PANS/PANDAS is extremely important here.

The general response here is correct if there was no background - tell her you can’t play now because you’re headed to the panto but we can play tomorrow. At that age children are largely focused on the fun thing immediately in front of them. They really struggle to weigh something that they know is fun right here and now (playing with this friend) against something that requires some waiting like going out to a show, especially when they can’t really picture what that delayed thing will be like. And they aren’t considering commitments for to others or things that have been paid for yet. As a parent I’d consider that choice above a 6 year-old’s level and make it for them.

But PANS/PANDAS changes this entirely and I’d feel far more uncertain about forcing the issue and how that can be done in a way that’s actually beneficial. Has your DD/family been able to start CBT or with psychiatric services?
I know that persistent avoiding behavior can be a problem after the initial illness and can take work to overcome but not much more beyond that.

Don’t be so ridiculous. You are the adult and you decide what a 6 year old is doing.

if she isn’t well enough to go she’s also too ill to play with her friend.

like any normal parent, tell her to go and get ready as you are leaving soon!

JFC, she is 6, and infant. Good luck when she gets to 13 with this attitude.

'it’s something I’ve always wanted to go to'

what was this show - that you have allowed her not to go to so she can stay at home and play with a friend

This wasn't a case of free activity one with Susie, or free activity two with mum. If it was, I'd agree with you.

But OP had already booked and paid for tickets for an activity - in which case the six year old gets told "tough, you're going".

Why are you even asking? The answer is ....the show.

Yes, but if they said "yes I want to see the show" on Monday and you booked the tickets and said "we're going to the show on Friday, hooray" and the they decided on Friday morning that "no actually I want to play with Katie".
You would make them honour their first arrangement. You might be able to chuck £50 at something and let your child change their mind at the last minute and be happy to suck up that loss, and allow an impulsive 6 year old to drop plans and people for a better offer, costing you £50.... But 99% of us wouldn't.

I am actually disbelieving of this.
6 year olds don’t get to make these kind of decisions.

When she is a tween and completely out of control……please remember - you did this

Even if you already had tickets and so would lose money as a result of their decision?

No, pointing out that pre-arranged events cannot be overturned on a whim and that if she doesn't want to go to the show playing with her friend is not an option.

Told her to get ready and taken her to the show. What else?
NB Why are you asking her to get dressed? Tell her.

PANS/ PANDAS is so uniquely horrible & traumatic, for lots of reasons - when I first read your post I thought of course id tell DD she was coming with me, until I saw that. With PANDAS, it's more about just whatever gets you both through the day. With my DD, PDA-type behaviours were a big part of it, so making her do anything would just equal a horrible day for everyone, and it would just spiral and spiral.

Solidarity & love - DD started exhibiting PANDAS symptoms on Boxing Day 2022 and though I don't think either of us will ever fully get over the trauma, I can't tell you how much better our lives are now.

You do whatever you need to to get you both through, people who haven't experienced it are unlikely to understand

Please consider when allowing children to dictate things like this that they have to conform into a class of 30 at school.

The answer should have been no. We've got tickets that cost money plus the trip is important to me. Oh and you'll have a great time!

Is your daughter’s recent illness PANS related or is she actually physically unwell? Just how much school has she missed? Is she just saying she is feeling unwell and not going to school or is she actually unwell?

You have just let a six year old dictate to you. Good luck on the future with that one.
She is six, she does as she us told.

I think a 6yo can certainly decide what they want to do for fun.

It’s hardly asking a 6yo, Should we buy solar panels or a heat pump for the house this year? Or hmm, 🤨 should I max out my pension contributions or start an ISA?

I never had any problems with mine growing up because they were able to decide what they wanted to do or did not want to do with their free time.

Why did you let a 6 yo have a choice?
I don't get it.

Sounds like its upset you. Why?
Would you have liked to be taken out like this when you were 6 years old?

Your daughter was just being a normal 6yo, there isnt any bad intentions towards you.