To find Boxing Day really overwhelming

See I am not so sure that its a gracious favour. I think that there may be an assumtion though that it suits everybody? Maybe (and its too late this year) suggest that you have a year when you go to neither family over christmas and do one visit well before and the other visit well after. No kids here but its what we did when our parents were alive and it worked well.

Why do you have to see your parents every Christmas Day? Sounds like there's room to stay at your in laws? Spend Xmas with them?

Some good ideas here. It's the length of the day that makes it more intense and difficult to cope with. So there are two options to look at: moving the start later and setting off later, or shortening the evening by having the meal earlier, or not going to the meal. You could talk to your DH about which he would prefer. My guess is that the later start is more palatable as he likes the meal. It's also more under your control to change the morning arrangements, as they can't make you set off at the crack of dawn, whereas you do have to negotiate with them about the meal timing. All told then, I'd put feelers out about moving the meal earlier and if they really didn't want to or couldn't at this late notice, then I'd set out later and present opening will just have to happen whenever you get there.

Can't you just say look it's too much for my two to go out and either you stay home with them or volunteer to cook chez in laws. It doesn't sound very full on to me but I cannot understand why you put yourself under pressure to be on the road by 8am on the 27th, the kids' toys will be there whatever time you get back and they've been given more gifts anyway? Have a drink on boxing night and lie on, there are plenty of people there to mind the kids in the morning. I'd say your routine is exhausting you, especially if you were up early Christmas day. Also get to in laws for lunch on boxing day, you're too tired

I think it’s one day a year, and each year that goes by will be a different experience with your kids now who are out of the baby/ toddler years. Just muddle through it with a smile for your DH if he gets to see his family

If your husband likes the meal can't just he go? Leave you to have an early night with kids if you find it difficult overwhelming. And you husband can have uninterrupted time with his family? I get it. I would find it exhausting too.

I'd book at hotel room for boxing day close to his parents and go there with the kids around 6pm and your Husband go to the meal, you / kids can order room service & have a nice bath & bed at normal time. Also let them take some new toys to play with. I use to do this as the kids were too tired after a full day of excitement.

Why do you need to leave at 7/8am to get there (at 9/10am) to open presents without the cousin, if the cousin doesn’t arrive until 1pm. The math ain’t mathing!

Leave at 9/9:30 instead or maybe suggest the family meal is at lunchtime instead of evening. You’re getting every single Xmas day with your family so I think you have to go with it.

I wonder what your DH would like to moan about regarding your family and your Christmas?

I can't believe you want to make your lovely ILs cook for a large group because it would be easier for you when they are paying for a bunch of people to go out!

Just arrive later so kids don’t have such a long day.

we have a Boxing Day meal booked for 6pm
for 14 of us including 7 kids, ages 1-16 - we do it every year since DD was born as it’s her birthday and yes it may be a bit chaotic but I love it, I think I’ll miss the chaos when they are all older and have left home ☺️

100% this.its once a year..arrive a bit later so kids don't have to get up early..it sounds fab..bring toys to restaurant. Go with the flow..kids get older very quickly and then your challenge will be getting teenagers to participate.. enjoy!

Would they be willing to book a couple of hours earlier for the meal or you arrive later. Just explain its a really long day for a 3 year old.

I think "the bridge too far" is the restaurant dinner at 6pm. If this was Christmas Day (which it effectively is for your in laws) most families would be extremely unlikely to drag young kids out in the evening for the the main meal. You'd all be fed and watered at lunchtime or late afternoon and ready to settle down (flop) by 7pm'ish. To be honest, I don't know anyone even without kids that goes out for an evening meal on Boxing Day. I would seriously try to re-negotiate this aspect of it.

It's ok to find it overwhelming but for the sake of a day and you get every Xmas with your family I'd suck it up.

Do you drive home the same night? I wouldn't be down for that either. Personally, I HATE HATE night driving. Is staying over in a hotel nearby an option?

For what it's worth, these family gatherings with kids do get better. And yours are just about at the age now where it starts to get better.
For years now, my mum has hosted a party the Saturday before Christmas, so we had it yesterday. The 5 kids who attend are now age 7-13, but as you can imagine, we had a LOT of years when they were all completely chaotic!
But yesterday felt like the first year where everyone joined in, and the screaming and running round was at a minimum.

It gets better OP, and for what it's worth, you'll all look back on Boxing Day with fondness. :) We do.

This is surely just what happens if you want to see all your family over the Christmas period and you don't all live close by?

You have a busy Christmas Day and then a busy Boxing Day. But then you have the rest of the Christmas holiday period with no family visiting to do.

It's one day, your kids won't be so little forever and importantly it seems your dh loves this. Not seeing his parents on Christmas day isn't just a shame for his parents it's a shame for him too.

You need to go as it's DH parents/family and you've had Christmas with your family.

Stay home boxing day morning so DC can play with toys/have a lazy morning and then get there mid afternoon. Likewise don't leave stupidly early on 27th. Kids have plenty of time to play with their toys later that day.

Honestly? You sound ungrateful. What I wouldn’t give to have alive family that I could spend a day with full of presents and nice food. It’s not the day - you need to reframe your approach.

I agree that’s a long day!

Tell your DH there are 2 options for you:

• Don’t go so early on Boxing Day. Your kids open their presents from the GPs on the 27th morning.
• Arrive same time but dont go to the meal. Could he go and you stay in with the kids??

In situations like this I think the compromise is 1 of 3 options (assuming both families are generally nice and supportive!):

1. you don't see any family over the 3 main days and have a quiet Christmas yourselves

2. you alternate Christmases

3. you do as you've been doing, which your in laws thankfully don't expect to be included on the big day.

We personally like option 1, keeps life simple but we all get the 2 weeks off to easily fit family in on the other days.

As you are there overnight anyway, skip the meal, put the kids to bed and have a quiet evening whilst DH goes for the family dinner.

Just put your foot down about the dinner at a restaurant. Do everything else but that

I think you need to relax and lean into the day. Let your husband drive and have a drink or two.

If the kids are grouchy at dinner- then let the GPs take care of them.

Also:

• it’s fine for kids to use iPads
• or bring along pens and some magazines
• Call ahead and put in the kids meals orders so they come shortly after your arrival. Once they are finished. One adult can take them back to the house while the adults finish up. Only if the kids are really tired though:
• ALWAYS bring a couple of waste paper basket bin liners and clear as you go. So napkins, sweetie wrappers, magazine bits, odd bits. The table can become overwhelming with glasses etc and the staff aren’t always in hand to clear. So it’s a good way of keep order
• Pay the older kids to keep an eye on the younger kids. They usually like having a bit of responsibility and seen as it’s Xmas- a bumper cash amount for some peace and quiet is well worth it

Trying to keep a 5 and 7 year old in good humour in a very nice restaurant doesn’t sound relaxing. When they were in the car by 8am that morning for a two hour drive followed by a day of presents, cousins, food and fun a 6pm dinner reservation is a stretch. After the messed up sleep and routine of Christmas Day it’s a lot for them.