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Original poster

DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

639 replies

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 09:17

My ds 25 and dd 16 dad died yesterday, he's my exh. His diagnosis was 6 weeks ago and he went downhill rapidly. My DP of 7years had been doing lifts to and from hospital as he's the only one that drives out of us all.
My dd lives with me and ds lived with his dad.
My dp was already in a mood with me yesterday morning and then last minute through in that we needed to get my dd to the hospital ASAP before her DF died as she really wanted to say goodbye to him and he had only a couple of hours left if that.
My dp didn't want to take her said she shouldn't be there to see him die it will scar her for life, It resulted in her crying and shouting 'I need to see my dad to say goodbye' and he said to her he shouldn't have to be dictated to by a little girl.
He relented, complained on the way to hospital that he's just a taxi driver for everyone and he doesn't have to be doing this ect..... He dropped us at the hospital....30min drive and told us to find our own way home.

I'm I being unreasonable to think that if he was annoyed/angry he should have just kept his mouth shut and sucked it up for one more day, as he made the whole thing so much more traumatic for my daughter.

I kept saying to him, this is not the time for you to be venting at us now can you please stop.

I can't speak to him or see him right now, I'm so angry with him. He doesn't live with us BTW.

OP posts:
sandrapinchedmysandwich · 22/12/2024 12:34

Edingril · 22/12/2024 09:19

He is you chauffeur not your partner, so maybe he has a point?

He isn't a chauffeur but come on. This was absolutely not the moment to have a hissy fit over it. He made an already terrible situation all about him

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 22/12/2024 12:31

Wow. That is weapons grade arseholery right there.

LTB.

Americano75 · 22/12/2024 12:30

What a nasty bastard. I'd never be able to get past that.

XiCi · 22/12/2024 12:29

I honestly would never speak to this arsehole again. It would be madness OP to marry him and subject yourself and your daughter to more of the same.

BilboBlaggin · 22/12/2024 12:29

VacuumPacked · 22/12/2024 12:12

put upon - there you go !

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Oh for goodness sake, he was doing the trip twice a week, that's not a lot to ask of your fiance, and not a lot to do for someone you supposedly love and care about.

Must be a nice view up there on your high horse.

adorablecat · 22/12/2024 12:28

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 10:01

He is just my boyfriend atm. We are engaged to be married at some point and yes he has been traumatised by watching a relative die many years ago.

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Well, let's hope that at that time he was not treated with utter callousness and contempt by the significant adults in his life. Although it would explain a lot.

MoonGeek · 22/12/2024 12:28

He is horrible. A person who cannot show kindness in a moment like that is not a nice person. Please don't marry him.

EarthSight · 22/12/2024 12:28

HollyKnight · 22/12/2024 12:06

I echo a lot of others. The way he handled his frustration was not appropriate, but it's bloody rude to tell someone they have to drive you somewhere. You ask and if the answer is no you accept that and make other arrangements. You don't just spring it on someone last minute and then rage when they say no. In this instance, your DD can be excused, but if you all act entitled in general I can see why he snapped.

I don't support people being treated like chauffeur, but the OP has booked her test.

You don't just spring it on someone last minute and then rage when they say no

Did I get the wrong impression? It sounded to me by the post like the father didn't have a lot of time left to live and got a call from the hospital to get there ASAP?

Ilovelifeverymuch · 22/12/2024 12:27

BePinkOrca · 22/12/2024 09:24

What a horrible man. The death of your father will be imprinted on your brain and having your step dad do that on the morning of his death! I am lost for words but absolutely know this would be the end for me. He shown his true colours and has zero empathy. What a pathetic human moaning about a lift and being inconvenienced by a 16 year old about to say good bye to her dad. I mean at the first grumbles I would have ordered my daughter an uber/asked a friend. I hope your children are ok.

While I agree that he could have been more supportive and this was not the time, he also isn't her stepfather. They don't live together even after 7 years so I see it more as a friend with benefit type situation than a true relationship. I would still be compassionate but again we're only hearing one side of the story

I also agree OP should end it and move on, should be easy since they don't live together.

Edit: reading OPs other updates it looks like he has been very supportive taking her DD to see her father many times, taking her to her medical appointments etc so I'm not sure if he is the evil bastard he is being painted to be but if OP what's to end it, she should.

Oopah · 22/12/2024 12:27

LTB, and definitely don’t marry him, do you really want to marry a man that decided it was a good time to have a strop like a child and belittle you’re dd, when her dad was dying. He’s showing you he’s true colours he’s an awful person. Yes being the only driver can suck, but there’s a time and place for that convo and it wasn’t then and doing something like that just flies against basic himanity, he’s awful.

TeabySea · 22/12/2024 12:22

Edingril · 22/12/2024 09:19

He is you chauffeur not your partner, so maybe he has a point?

So that takes precedence over someone's father dying? Are you the partner?

Namechange2272 · 22/12/2024 12:21

He is vile. LTB

EarthSight · 22/12/2024 12:21

Cupofcoffeee · 22/12/2024 11:13

Her daughter is only 16 and op is taking driving lessons. They're expensive and a car can be expensive to keep so maybe she's only recently been able to start learning.

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Yes I wouldn't expect her to drive yet actually. I didn't until I was an adult.

HollyKnight · 22/12/2024 12:19

She can't dump him yet. She needs him to drive her and her daughter around.

Couldyounot · 22/12/2024 12:16

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 10:01

He is just my boyfriend atm. We are engaged to be married at some point and yes he has been traumatised by watching a relative die many years ago.

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I'm sorry, but that's no excuse. 6 years ago this Friday coming I sat in an A&E bay with my mother as she was dying, whilst listening to the drug addict in the bed opposite shouting abuse at the nursing staff for not bringing him food quickly enough. It wasn't much fun. Would this stop me from giving someone a lift in the circumstances you describe? Absolutely fucking not. Your boyfriend is a piece of shit. Dump him.

SuperfluousHen · 22/12/2024 12:16

MixedFeelingsNoFeelings · 22/12/2024 12:10

Yeah, that's not good. Sorry I missed that point. But doesn't change my view that he's had some kind of breakdown.

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I think his mask came off.

He had a 30 minute drive to consider how to treat his partner and her daughter after she decided to go say goodbye to her dad, against his wishes.

He chose to punish them both, particularly the daughter, by making them get a taxi or public transport home after the trauma.

VacuumPacked · 22/12/2024 12:15

Amplepie · 22/12/2024 10:52

Interesting how many psychopaths there are on this thread. I often wonder if it's that there's a high proportion of them on Mumsnet, or if it's representative of society in general.

This man's behaviour, traumatising your daughter like that, is beyond despicable.

as is the careless sprinkling of words such as traumatising or indeed, psychopaths

coolkatt · 22/12/2024 12:14

olympicsrock · 22/12/2024 09:19

Leave the bastard. He is a cunt.

Nothing more to add. Exactly this.

Viviennemary · 22/12/2024 12:13

If you are all constantly asking for lifts he is probably getting fed up. But now isn't the time when he should make his point.

Covidfluforxmas · 22/12/2024 12:13

He sounds like he’s had a bad experience seeing a loved one die and wanted her to not have the same thing happen?

VacuumPacked · 22/12/2024 12:12

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 09:26

This is clearly how he feels, so part of me feels bad for him. But I am taking my driving test next month so hopfully I'll pass and he won't be put upon anymore and I can return the favours when he needs to go places. Just at the moment I'm reliant on him.

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put upon - there you go !

VacuumPacked · 22/12/2024 12:11

SuperfluousHen · 22/12/2024 12:06

Sounds more like the voice of the boyfriend 🙄

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does he not have an option on an opinion or point of view? soon as this hits DM we will soon find out

SuperfluousHen · 22/12/2024 12:10

TempuraCustard · 22/12/2024 11:26

Blimey

Having read though all your posts I think yes he has handled it badly but maybe he thought you were doing this as a team and then when he's expressed he doesn't think it's a good idea for her to go and see her dad dying he's been yelled at and basically told to just do it. Like his opinion counts for shit all. He's actually sounding like he wants the best for your DD and thought that was not seeing her dad die/dead. Even though ultimately it's your choice it does actually sound like he's feeling he wasn't heard and then just gave in and drove you anyway. He probably feels quite used and like an uninvolved part of the family.

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“when he's expressed he doesn't think it's a good idea for her to go and see her dad dying …”

if he cared about the daughter’s emotional wellbeing (witnessing her father’s death) would he have left them to make their own way home on that day, of all days?

no, me neither.

MixedFeelingsNoFeelings · 22/12/2024 12:10

SuperfluousHen · 22/12/2024 12:02

“Paradoxically, to me that shows he's probably a decent guy”

Whats your assessment of him leaving them to make their own way home after the trauma of witnessing the death bearing in mind the daughter’s severe anxiety about being in a car with strangers? Decent?

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Yeah, that's not good. Sorry I missed that point. But doesn't change my view that he's had some kind of breakdown.

femfemlicious · 22/12/2024 12:10

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 09:26

This is clearly how he feels, so part of me feels bad for him. But I am taking my driving test next month so hopfully I'll pass and he won't be put upon anymore and I can return the favours when he needs to go places. Just at the moment I'm reliant on him.

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How do you normally get to places. Why didn't you just take a taxi?. Does he drive you everywhere you go?