DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

She didn't miss the point. She wanted to be obnoxious. She was thinking 'Ha, this will pull these grieving people up short. This will sting them. I will correct their attitude to life.'

Unforgivable. Leave the bastard.

most adults have some trauma around hospitals. Trauma, stress and worry never makes me behave like an arsehole. It doesn’t make any of my friends behave badly either. This man chose this child’s most vulnerable moment to be an arsehole - that he didn’t relent, apologise and do pick up tells me he doesn’t deserve a place in your life. And he is retired so not losing out on time in quite the same way as a full time worker? Wanker

He wasn't asked to go and see the OPs ex, just give a lift.

He showed his true colours didn’t he. But has he seen someone die was it bringing something up for him? It sounds like he panicked and couldn’t be around death. Or has control issues. I think it would be wise for some of you to learn to drive.

That’s what I’m wondering @KTheGrey . He was supportive up to that moment, giving multiple lifts, but then he snapped. Why? I’m guessing he was triggered and panicked.
As I said upthread, I have a phobic and if I’m put in that situation, I can be horrible tbh as I’m genuinely panicking and want to run away.

this was about a child who lost her father THAT DAY. Adults have to find a way to cope with their emotions without blowing up all over a child who is losing her father that day.

as a society we make too many excuses for the actions of adults.

if he can’t control his feeling to this extent he shouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone who has children. He should be in therapy.

She said she's taking her test next month....

You mean you're not going to dump him after this?

Regardless of whether OP drives or not (she’s already mentioned her test is soon if you read the thread) her partner is a piece of shit and is absolutely disgusting for making the daughter feel worse for wanting to see her dying dad. Can’t believe you’re only picking up on the fact she can’t drive rather than how vile the partner is.

I agree with @anyolddinosaur. If he is traumatized by seeing a relative die, he probably panicked and in moments of panic, people do say crappy things to try and get out of doing something. I have a phobic and if there’s any possibility that I’ll be confronted with it, I can be completely horrible tbh as I want to do is run away.

But he’s certainly screwed up big time. He should’ve kept his mouth shut and if he really couldn’t handle it, he should’ve said sorry, I can’t do this, please get a taxi.

You need to talk this through and decide whether you still want to be with him. Overall, he does sound quite supportive. If this is one instance of unkindness among many acts of kindness, you might be able to forgive him.

Sounds like the driving demand was pretty triggering to him in terms of his own trauma.

Was that maybe also why he was already in a mood with you?

You don’t sound very grateful for the previous six weeks of sucking it up. Seems to me that no time has been devoted to checking in with DP and now your response to his not being able to cope is that he has no right to his feelings.

I can't get my head around a partner getting shitty about this I really can't. Would anyone really make someone they profess to care about find their own way to a dying relative if they didn't have to? Really?

He’s not unreasonable to be pissed off in general about being expected to drive you everywhere. He was foolish to agree to it, but I’m not surprised that resentment has been building.

He’s unreasonable to choose this particular moment to vent his trauma and frustrations and make your DD’s dad’s death about him. Having a legitimate complaint does not negate the fact that he chose to behave like this over something so horribly traumatic for your daughter.

Because after at least 7 years of not driving in the relationship it’s probably worn a bit thin by now. There’s no guarantee OP will pass the test unfortunately and given it’s taken at least 7 years to get to this point, who knows how long it will be before she actually has an independent means of transport for her and her kids.

He was extremely insensitive.

How does he feel about it now, is he sheepish or defensive about his behaviour?

Those of you who have said you'd not hesitate to drive complete strangers to a dying relative's bedside - such as:

@Ohthatsabitshit
@BelgianBeers
@Canyoudigityesyoucan
@Candy24
@Lentilweaver
@VeryStressedMum
@Allthehorsesintheworld

(I'm only @ing people in the hope they will see this and realise they really can get involved!)

Please, please do be true to your word and join those of us who volunteer an odd hour of our time with someone like RVS https://www.royalvoluntaryservice.org.uk/our-services/getting-out-about/ if you can spare even an hour or 2 occasionally.

There are never enough volunteers and it's especially important around Christmas time when services are sometimes limited.

So many people make throwaway comments about how giving and selfless they would be, given the opportunity, but it's often it's unfortunately just flippant rhetoric.

So please don't just say the words, put them into action and make a difference.

cos it’s meaningless now

RTFT - OP’s driving test is next month.

He was very cruel to make a point then. However I think he might have had a point about not seeing him die. It is very traumatic. My DHs cousin took his teenage son to see his nan dying and he was in bits for a long time after.
But as this was what your DD wanted he should have just done it.
Think this relationship might have run it's course. How is your DD going to feel if she has to see the cunt who tried to prevent her seeing her dad for the last time?

People seem to have overlooked this
"My dp didn't want to take her said she shouldn't be there to see him die it will scar her for life, It resulted in her crying and shouting 'I need to see my dad to say goodby"

Which I think was showing a lot of caring and good sense. Your daughter already has anxiety and other issues and seeing her dad die could cause her problems and nightmares, deaths are not always tidy with a couple of goodbyes.

For what it's worth, after my mum died I was encouraged to see the body, with that horrible threat "you'll regret it if you don't".

I went and I have regretted it every time I've thought of my mum. I just wish I hadn't gone. I didn't need that experience to know that she'd gone.

The OP said in her second post that she is taking her driving test next month. Why are so many posters ignoring this?

He has a point. You have been together for 7 years so he must care about you and your children. He has past traumatic experience of watching someone die which he shared with you and your daughter who has MH issues and so possibly more susceptible to issues after watching her father die.

you ignored his concerns and emotionally blackmailed him into driving when you could have just gotten a taxi.

DP chauffeur has probably exited the relationship by now

Really surprised at some of the responses. If the genders were reversed the man would be called a using cocklodger for expecting the OP to chauffeur his kids around multiple times a week, presumably as sad as the circumstances are this isn’t the first time he’s been expected to play taxi? I think some people are missing the point that he’s not a stepfather or even a live in partner but a casual boyfriend (engagement IMO is meaningless if not living together and no date set).

The timing of what he said was awful and he should have just sucked it up for your daughter’s sake, however sounds like there’s a backstory with a traumatic family death for him which could be colouring things. Ultimately the timing was very poor and he should have been a lot more sensitive but it does sound like you’re using him a bit.