DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

On the surface, it appears DP is jealous of a [now] dead man, and the attention he is [was] receiving.

Most decent people would swallow their pride and support their family. Irrespective of past trauma. In fact, if he’s experienced similar he should be even more aware of how important these moments are to DD.

Having been in this position with my best friend & getting to her as she died, let me tell you, I would drive an anyone in the night to get them to a loved one be with them as they die.

I've reported VacuumPacked comments on this thread. They are way OTT and not helpful.

I do not think OP is unreasonable. Her DP could have chosen any other day to decide to stop being a taxi service but he chose this one day.

The girl's dad was literally dying and he chose that moment to suddenly kick off about it. If he had a problem being the only driver he should raise it at a more appropriate time. I dont think the issue here was him being a chauffeur, sounds like he was jealous of a dying man. Tragic!

So many over the top reactions from people who don't even know this man.

catch up

@Errors Hmm, it doesn’t sound like an accurate description of this particular man. Taking DD to appointments for her heart hasn’t been about him either, nor were the previous trips to see her Dad.

Not excusing what he did, but this doesn’t sound typical of him, hence the OP is so shocked.

🤣🤣

The OP's partner has entered the convo!

It wasn't his place, but we don't all react perfectly under pressure.

The OP was planning on marrying him. She's said her DD hates getting in cars with strangers (but is capable of getting a taxi as she's done this a few times) and suffers from anxiety. DD is happy for him to drive her around. He's driven her around loads, especially since her DF has been sick. All of this suggest that he's close to the girl and understands what her struggles are.

He didn't refuse to take her on the grounds he was fed up but that he didn't want to scar her for life.

It's entirely possible that based on the above and his own traumatic experience of watching a relative die, he was trying to act out of kindness, and was lashing out as no one was taking his opinion seriously, and he wanted to protect the girl.

I don't think it was his call. Given her age, I think it was DD's call. Ultimately, he took her because she insisted - not because the OP did.

But I'm not sure he should be written off as easily as some posters are suggesting.

People always say they want to be with a loved one when they die, but it's absolutely horrific to watch when they die from something they've been fighting for a while. Death doesn't always come quickly, even after The Call. It's messy and it's horrible, and it means your final memory of a loved one is them looking like a version of themselves that doesn't reflect your life with them. Witnessing the actual moment when they die is haunting.

I'm glad I was there and yet hate every part of that memory. It's complex. I can see why an adult would want to shield a child with poor mental health from that pain.

He could very well have been trying to kind. Why assume he was trying to be cruel?

As for being a grown up human - well, so am I. But I don't think I'll ever not feel scared for life. I'm crying writing this post, that's how strong those emotions still are, and I think will always be.

DD was always going to be devastated. Maybe DP was trying to make her a tiny bit less devastated but didn't handle it correctly.

He wasn't very kind but you are putting too much on him. He's a boyfriend, he doesn't even live with you. You should have booked a taxi the second you noticed he didn't want to do it. This one is mostly on you, OP, sorry. As the parent, you should have taken control of the situation more quickly.

Sounds like a typical example of a man kicking off because it’s not all about him.
Has he got form for doing this OP? For example around other people’s birthdays or if they’re getting praise for something?

Also, good luck with your driving test

This is up there of one of the worst threads/scenarios I've read on mumsnet that a 'dear partner' has done.

100% Get rid.

@wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting I’m not disagreeing with you. That’s the reality when someone panics or can’t deal with a phobia or past trauma though, they can behave horribly. You can be mature and reasonable the rest of the time, but in that moment, you fall apart.

I’m not suggesting that it’s acceptable, just explaining what can happen. I’m a fully assed grown woman and a good parent most of the time, but when I’m confronted with my phobia, I’m an irrational mess. Luckily it’s never hurt anyone and my family understands.

Anyway, the OP needs to decide whether to continue the relationship.

The OP is planning on marrying him - or was.

He's a fully assed grown up man - old enough in fact to have retired.

And it wasn't his place to have an opinion on whether the OP's DD was with her dad when he died.

If he had a problem with the lifts, then he should have said so at a less critical juncture.

He was downright cruel.

I'm afraid that would be the end of the relationship for me, especially as you don't have any ties together.

THIS

He reacted very badly indeed, and it would truly make me question whether I could continue.

That said, asking him for 14 lifts in 6 weeks when you can't drive, no-one else can drive and your dd is so anxious she can't go in a taxi is a lot. That's twice a week for several hours plus a couple of other times, as presumably, he has to hang around and wait or come back later.

It's a big ask and not ideal probably to rely on him. I do also think the poster who said you may have run in saying 'ex is dying, dd needs to see him' may have then triggered him thinking this was the wrong thing to do, and it all then escalated.

I would hope anyone I was with would step up in this situation, but I also think it was a bit unfair on him to put him in this situation. You could go with her in the Uber or on the bus as a starting point in the future to get her used to that again, I know it's very hard when they have anxiety but the only way to deal with that is to get medical help to get the anxiety down (meds, therapy, CBT) and then start going out again otherwise that will worsen.

Yes, I agree. The whole point of having a partner is being able to rely on them and the timing of his comments was cruel. He could have just been kind instead.

This would be unforgivable in my eyes. As soon as he started complaining, I would have told him to go f himself and got into a cab with my daughter so she wouldn’t have had to endure such a selfish prck.

She is learning to drive. At least read the OPs posts if not the rest of the thread.

For me it would be unforgiveable that he treated a traumatised, grieving child that way.

Unless it's 100% out of character. I couldn't look at him again after that.

I rather think you are the one displaying a lack of comprehension.

Even if he felt pissed off at having to drive everyone everywhere (we can't help how we feel) it was NOT the time or the place to kick off about it. How utterly heartless and cruel.

You and your son should definitely learn to drive, unless there's a compelling reason why you can't (e.g. medical conditions) and so should your daughter when she's old enough. Driving is a life skill and means you become less reliant on twats like your partner.

@wigsonthegreenandhatsforthelifting Yes, her DD will be grieving for a long time. As they don’t live together, the OP can just end the seven-year relationship and they won’t need to see him again.

I think that’s what you’re advising her to do, I’m unsure if this behavior is out of character for him, but I definitely think that she needs to evaluate the relationship.

where was the daughter at this time ?