DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

I agree that a very young woman with MH issues should have been spared seeing her dad dying and deceased. But that wasn’t my decision to make and it wasn’t your partner’s either! It was your daughter’s decision in conjunction with you, her mother. Your partner’s role in this was to say to you, “I’m sorry about your ex. What can I do to help?”

Any general issues around driving etc could’ve been discussed at a later date. He may have a point, he may not. But it wasn’t ok to loudly raise the topic on the day your ex was reaching the end of his life.

He’s behaved poorly and it speaks volumes about how he regards you and your daughter. This man is not a keeper.

Some posters rabid hatred of people who don't drive is really odd.
I've only ever encountered that here, never in real life?!
I don't drive, have no desire to so I will never drive a car. My parents never drove either. Many of my friends grew up with nobody driving in their home.

I understand it is a necessity for those who choose to live rurally bit again, just a choice, not a requirement in life.

I'd not be able to be with someone who spoke to my grieving child like that.

He is cruel.

It won't get better from here.

That's awful and unforgiveable. If he was tired of driving to the hospital, he should have had let you know sooner, so you could make alternative arrangements to get there. It was cruel of him to take his anger out on your duaghter. If he genuinely thought she'd be traumatised by going, he should have let her know his concerns in a calm way, but still support her decision.

Well, hold on a minute.

If he threw a strop about driving and being dictated to by a “little girl” to protect her from a terrible experience then WHY did he drop them off to make their own way home (a thirty minute drive away) after her father had died? Especially since he’s aware the daughter has severe anxiety about getting into cars with strangers?

This doesn’t add up as the behaviour of a loving, caring step-dad. So let’s not kid ourselves.

You’re not reliant on him, you have legs, trains, buses, taxis plenty of options. The fact you said you’re reliant on him is a clear indication he obviously has driven you around a lot and he’s fed up.
However he totally picked the wrong moment to bring this up, he should have waited to say something to you after dropping your DD off if he knew it was to say goodbye to her dying father. I personally would of just called for a taxi rather than let the situation escalate

End it, he has shown you what he's like as a person. If you die before him, he's also 'fortunately' shown you how he'll treat your children. For this reason, you need to leave him and put your children first.

Let him him die alone without anybody visiting him.

WTAF have I just read?! Are you the boyfriend?!

What is wrong with a 25 year old getting a lift off someone anyway? Even though the daughter is actually 16?!

Is there an age limit to getting lift from your mum's partner?

My neighbour over the road has a fella who she has been with for 5 years - and he doesn't live with her, he lives 15 miles away and stays a few days a week, depending on his work rota. He often takes her 14 y.o. son, and 9 y.o. daughter to places/hobby groups, and out for little trips out when the mum is at work - she works 20-22 hours a week for the NHS. (Sometimes she works weekend days.)

He is like a dad to them. (Their own dad died 6 years ago.) THIS is how a man should behave when he's dating a woman with children, not treat them like they're a bloody hinderance!

!

What a cruel thing to do to a child who is losing a parent.

To only be able to think of himself when a girl is desperate to see her dying father.

What a scumbag that man is.

Think about getting away from him.

I'm sorry for the loss of your children's father.

Also, my mind is blown at the amount of people picking on you for not driving.I always find that so bizarre.

I can’t stress enough don’t marry this man. How he can be so horrifically uncaring at such a vulnerable time for your daughter. It doesn’t matter if he was frustrated he needed to find his humanity at this point. You know it’s not okay. So don’t let others twist it.

I did wonder if there was something behind him saying DD shouldn't see her dad die. Trauma can do a lot of damage and people can lash out when triggered, not that that excuses things, just may explain his actions if that's not how he is normally. Your DD has anxiety and it seems like she trusts him or did, as she wont get in a car with a stranger? One of my DC will only get in a car if me or his dad are driving, it would be massive if he trusted someone else in the driver's seat. Though I couldn't see him ever getting passed something like this and I couldn't see myself getting past it either.

I'd find it very hard to forgive someone behaving like that op. I get that his own experience may have coloured his thinking and made him overreact wanting to protect your dd from what he thought would be a traumatic experience. But to then leave you all to make your own way home afterwards? Unspeakably cruel.

I hope your dd benefited from seeing her father one last time. It will probably give her a lot of comfort in the future having been able to do that.

Truly awful cruel behaviour. It wasn't up to him to decide if it would have traumatised your dd. Then to complain all the way there and refuse to pick her up after her dad has died. I could never get over that, this will be etched in your daughter's memory for a lifetime. I'd be finished with this guy and never speak to him again.

Some posters rabid hatred of people who don't drive is really odd. Learning to drive is hideously, sometimes prohibitively, expensive. As I said upthread, cheapest instructor in my area is £40 an hour. £80 for a two hour lesson. Even just one lesson a week would be £320 a month. A test is £120. And if you don't pass first time (which many don't), you then have to pay that again. And that's before you consider the cost of buying/running a car.

I myself didn't pass my test until I was 26 as I simply couldn't afford it before then. With the cost of living crisis, I know many people who have sold their cars as they can't afford to run them any more. Yes it's sometimes annoying being a taxi for friends/family members that don't drive (which is why I used public transport/taxis or paid for petrol when I didn't drive), but is now really the time to make a stand over it? Christ, someone has DIED and people are berating OP for not driving?

You’d actually marry him after that?!

100% this
He was massively unreasonable

Yep

There is so so much going on here and with your updates.

he is an absolute bellend for doing what he did, but if he has been traumatised by similar his heart was possibly in the right place but execution of that discussion not. It was neither the time nor place. Suggests he is not very emotionally intelligent.

fab that you have your test booked, but you have all relied on him for 7 years. That is draining for the only car driver - you’ll understand when you pass your test. Given his behaviour a taxi would have been best in this situation - he was trying to tell you that he wouldn’t be able to cope with the fall out after when he would need to bring you home. I imagine his trauma would be triggered - so you haven’t thought much about the impact of this wlrewuest either.

your daughter maybe 16 and incredibly anxious and can’t get into a car with strangers - I understand truly how awful this must be for her. But her dad is about to die, yes everything is amplified emotionally, but sometimes being incredibly uncomfortable for a short period of time has to happen, especially as you would have been in the taxi with her.

all round no one was perfect but the situation was incredibly charged for everyone for different and complex reasons.

personally this isn’t a leave him situation (unless there is a pattern/history). You all need to work on communication and probably all need some external therapeutic support to help for all the different reasons.

accept this was a hideous situation for all of you.

Really bad timing on his part, he seems to lack any empathy.

But you could have handled things better by quietly booking a taxi when it became apparent he was being an arse. Your DD will need to find ways of managing her anxiety.

I hope you've realised that being "reliant" on a man (especially when you don't even live with him) is really ill advised.

I would rethink this relationship and try not to be reliant on men in the future.

People are treating this as an isolated incident in their replies.

It wasn't, it was him reaching the end of his tether after 6 weeks of demands.

That's an absolutely dumpable offence.

Instead of falling over yourself to berate someone for pointing out what you've said, why don't you just admit you have no intention of providing the help you've claimed you would?

It was you who said it, not the person you're now attacking.

Concentrating on the practicalities round his driving you is making you miss the point here. He may well be pissed off at ferrying you about. The way he spoke to you and your poor DD on the day her father was going to die was vile and abusive. She’ll now have this trauma to deal with over and above her father’s death.

His excuse of previously being traumatised doesn’t cut it. He is an adult, and should be able to deal with it without resorting to shouty tirades. I assume your DS will now be coming to live with you, you need to protect both him and your DD from this vile man. Please leave him.

I think people telling the OP that her boyfriend is a cunt and should be dumped because he got fed up of being the family unpaid Uber (despite probably trying to hold down an actual job) lack compassion.

Where will these posters be in the new year when OP has dumped what was probably a perfectly good man. Nowhere.

No, it wasn’t the time to take a strop but he did take you/ her at the drop of a hat after doing the same numerous times over the past 6 weeks.
Is it possible that he was concerned for your DD and genuinely worried that seeing her dad dying was not the best thing for her and then as it was so sudden felt a bit helpless that there wasn’t time to discuss it properly/ prepare her for what it could be like which led to his frustrated outburst?
Because seeing someone die is not nice, people rarely ‘pass away peacefully’ like you hear in books or stories. It is horrific, especially when it’s someone you love deeply. I know grown adults who have literally had nightmares for months after being with a relative whilst they die. If he has experienced this then maybe he was just trying to protect your young, 16yr old daughter who struggles with her MH from having to go through this.