DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

Why are people reacting so negatively to @OnlyMabelInTheBuilding ?

this was my first thought and I’m not without empathy - my sympathy is
wholly with the ‘fiance’ In this situation, reduced to driver and being screamed at
for his trouble

calling him vile unpleasant names only shows your own entitlement, with an
expectation that he should do as he is told/requested/expected/demanded/required
and the OP is about to find the terms of their romantic contract are now up for renewal

No you are right. He was awful at the time it mattered most and leaving them there is horrible. Like I said, I don't know if I could forgive it.

However he did act in a caring way for six weeks before driving them around so he can't be completely evil. Only the op knows whether this one despicable thing was out of character or not or whether it's the wake up call she needs to end things.

Sure, the timing is bad, but he STILL took the OP/DD to the hospital. So is he a big a cunt as people are making out?

Yes. He went off at OP's daughter before they left the house and then berated them all the way to the hospital, even though OP begged him not to.

I feel sorry for the guy - he has no link to the dying ex-partner, so in fairness, why should he have to have anything to do with him on any level - they arent mates/brothers/close confidants.

He's been in the DD's life since she was 9 and is going to marry her mother. The girl's dad was dying and she was desperate to see him one last time and the prick made it all about him.

No sympathy for him whatsoever.

Edingril
He is you chauffeur not your partner, so maybe he has a point?

This is clearly how he feels, so part of me feels bad for him. But I am taking my driving test next month so hopfully I'll pass and he won't be put upon anymore and I can return the favours when he needs to go places. Just at the moment I'm reliant on him.

This is completely gaslighting OP. Please don't feel sorry for him!

If he had “genuine concerns” for his step-daughter he had thirty minutes to think about how he could support her immediately after she had the trauma of witnessing her father’s death.

What did he in fact do?

Left them to make their own way home and her with severe anxiety about getting into cars with strangers.

genuine concerns my arse

her crying and shouting 'I need to see my dad to say goodbye' and he said to her he shouldn't have to be dictated to by a little girl.

This would the part that I absolutly could not forgive.

Ok - he might be annoyed about the driving ... but to act like that as a child prepares to see their father die is just beyond belief. His annoyance is more important than the emotional state of a child who faces a traumatic experience.
Tells you all you need to know about him and who he really cares about .

This is what you should have been able to do call your partner for help.

Again he is horrible and all the attention was on a dying man and he didn’t like it .

I get why you were there . You were supporting your children. .

My parents split when I was young and never spoke I needed my dad with us at the funeral and he came and his dw understood. .
my df I suppose didn’t want to be there but he knew we needed him there. .

This man was being horrible trying to control a situation of a dying man.

Can only imagine the life you will all be living When he moves in and he takes control of the family home. .

This. Sorry for your loss OP X

It really doesn't matter the backstory or how much driving he'd been doing, when his reaction to this

'I need to see my dad to say goodbye' (to my dying dad)

Is this

he said to her he shouldn't have to be dictated to by a little girl.

Surely you can't stay with him after that. At the very least don't change the fact that you don't live with him and aren't married to him.

I'm I being unreasonable to think that if he was annoyed/angry he should have just kept his mouth shut and sucked it up for one more day, as he made the whole thing so much more traumatic for my daughter.

Exactly. One more day and he could have been the hero of the piece instead of acting like the villain and maing it harder. Yesterday was so not the day to make his stand about being a taxi service. Sorry for your and your kids' loss. How awful.

Maybe he felt like the taxi driver because he's been in your and DD's life for 7 years, strongly felt that he didn't want your very vulnerable DD to be there, didn't want to take her to watch her dad die and was getting shouted at and shouted down. Only his ability to drive counted. Sounds like a highly fraught situation that could've been handled a whole lot better in hindsight but who knows, we weren't there, we can't talk to him about what was going on...

I sat with my mum as she died and I am so glad I did. It certainly didn't traumatise me, but what did traumatise me was the family member who behaved in a similar way as your partner, not wanting to drive me there, leaving me there alone then afterwards behaving horrendously. That has stayed with me.

Your partner may have found being with someone as they died traumatic but he has no right to try to stop someone else being there for their father. He is the adult and should be able to put his feelings aside.

He chose absolutely the wrong ti.e to get to the end of his tether. As an adult he should be able to control this and he couldn't. He should apologise for his behaviour to your daughter and try to explain why he reacted like that.

Yes but you being able to drive doesnt take away from your fiance's attitude to your DD. And his action at a time when he needed to step up.

Engaged to be married but not living with you yet - do you think that's sensible or what is he waiting for? Does he want to be a family?

That's out of line what you said. This was a serious situation. They weren't asking for lifts to go shopping or out with friends. It was to the hospital and the rest of them don't drive. I think it's perfectly normal to expect support like this from your partner otherwise why are you together?

I think that’s irrelevant at this moment

and finish the story!

He left them to make their own way home after witnessing the trauma he has had personal experience of and was supposedly trying to protect her from. And he knows she had severe anxiety getting into cars with strangers. 🤔

yeah, what a great guy.

When my sister was dying, my DH drove me over 6 hours so I could spend some time with my parents. Covid restrictions meant few hospital visitors.

He drove us back and forth whenever we needed it. He dropped me off at my nieces house, then drove straight back to sit with my Dad for a while as my Mum had been called to the hospital. As soon as he got to me, we went straight back to get my Dad as we'd been allowed to visit my sister in hospital. DH wasn't allowed in but waited outside for us.

That's what someone who loves you does. And he drove the 6 plus hours home. I normally share the driving but not then.

The OP has expressed compassion for her partner and also hasn't mentioned breaking up. I personally think that there is no way he should have tainted in anyway her last memory. Really It is just insane that others think in anyway that is ok.

I couldn’t stay with someone so horrible and callous. Absolutely disgusting behaviour. Put your daughter first and get this man out of your life. I can’t believe anyone would behave this way, so so horrible

I agree that there is a chance he isn't quite the ogre he appears. He acted lioe a rwat but perhaps what he was saying was tar he had genuine concerns that were being shot down and he was being ordered about like a chauffeur instead of a partner wuth experience to share. I suspect it is more tgis than actually objevting to the lift itself as that would have made more sense to put his foot down over one of the previous times.

He absolutely needs to pick his moment though, and is probably not very good at communication. I would be most cross about the belittling "little girl" sneer at a time like that. Thst is a cuntish thing to say and i hope he apologises I think what next depends on how he handles any repair, if you let him do that. Wouldn't blame you if you didn't.

I'd be rethinking that engagement/marriage. Him feeling like a glorified chauffeur might be true, but the time to raise it was NOT the moment when your DD was desperate to get to the hospital. Nor was it for him to decide that she was going to be similarly traumatised watching a loved one pass. He made her father's death all about him and that's totally unforgivable. Chances are she won't forgive or forget easily either.

As I said I would do it. If someone approaches you over something this serious you make the time and arrange things to help.

all the more reason to have close family assistance - there is now a good chance your boyfriend will be a stranger or estranged, what is it you want to know here,
a difficult situation exacerbated by neither you nor adult son driving