DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

He showed you his true nature. It’s hard to believe it is the first time either.

Please be an example to your DD and show her that you value yourself and know your worth. Do you want her to end up with someone like your DP? Honestly? You need his demonstrate that we don’t keep people like him in our lives.

Ummm, a child seeing her dad die is experiencing more trauma than a grown man driving someone to a hospital and waiting outside. They're really not comparable. Duh.

Well none of us were there so we don't know it was punishment. People say and do things in the heat of the moment if it was me I would have been getting a taxi there and back at the first mention he didn't want to take her - heated arguments in cars with distracted drivers/distressed passengers are exactly how road accidents happen

Which may be true on a regular day, but not on the day a 16yo's dad is dying.

My thoughts are with your daughter and son x

Well said 👍

I’m assuming he is now your ex dp? Surely anyone who is that heartless to your daughter is not somebody you want in your life.

Was his issue the inconvenience of giving lifts, hanging about the hospital for a few hours, then giving lift home? Because if so that's pretty shitty behaviour.

Or is it that he didn't think a 16 year old with significant mental health issues should experience the trauma of seeing her parent actively dying? Potentially feeling like she has to find the right words and ease things (which will have been near impossible)? I dont know OP's daughter. For a lot of people it would absolutely be what they needed to do, and importantly - either way that absolutely wasn't his decision to make. However - him feeling your DD needed to be prepared for, walking into a deeply traumatic situation is understandable, though he went about it all wrong.

He won’t be put upon any more because surely you won’t continue the relationship after that. How on earth do you think he can repair the damage done to his relationship with your kids, and he doesn’t deserve their forgiveness really. Like others have said it was the wrong time to make his feelings known.

also PPs call him their step dad. He’s not their step dad. You aren’t married and you don’t even live together. He’s just your boyfriend.

ditto ^

Have a day off.

Why does the girls distress trump HIS distress at seeing death and being traumatised for it?

He still took her. But as said, dont let facts get in the way of your hatred for men - without whom women wouldnt become "mums" in the first place.

You clearly suffer from and display misandry - a hatred of men and do not permit them to express their feelings.

Just include all the facts.

leaving them to make their own way home on the worst day ever is probably the most despicable part of his behaviour, because it wasn’t a choice made in the heat of the moment. And because he knows how traumatic watching someone die can be it’s even more appalling.

I am sorry for the loss of your ex and your children’s dad.

You need to leave this man you call your DP. If you stay with him then in later life if you need help he will NOT be there for you.

Health conditions permitting please learn to drive as it will give you so much freedom.

of all the drip feeds completely shifting the original narrative, this one is up there with the best, causing division and vile name calling of the perceived villain, making no allowance for your own haplessness, daughter’s medical issues, son’s inability to drive
You need to pass your test OP - the goodwill of your Fiance has been stetched to its limits especially if he reads this, with enough identifying information, next stop DM

You're using him for the cumbersome dad duties, but he's not their dad. He doesn't even live with you.

He has been very helpful with the hospital drives thus far. It's not a nice job for him to do, he's in no way obliged by family ties and responsibility to do this and it must be very awkward and uncomfortable for him to hear your possible future stepkids and possible future wife lamenting the man you might end up replacing.

The atmosphere was highly charged: People get quite heightened when death is imminent. He did relent and drive you all, even though he then dumped you all there.

I think I'd actually let this one go, if he is otherwise a decent chap.

This^

Interesting how many psychopaths there are on this thread. I often wonder if it's that there's a high proportion of them on Mumsnet, or if it's representative of society in general.

This man's behaviour, traumatising your daughter like that, is beyond despicable.

Despite the fact he did drive you all, he wasn’t a good solid friend in that moment. Don’t marry.

I'm not sure it's quite that. It's a valid point that he's probably fed up of driving people to/from hospital to see a man that he isn't related to and probably couldn't care less about. But it's the way he dealt with not wanting to do this, and the moment he chose to do it, that is getting people's backs up. I don't think many people would choose the day their soon-to-be step daughter's father was dying to decide they no longer want to drive her anywhere and to be disrespectful by saying he wasn't going to be dictated to by a little girl. But, even if this was his breaking point, he could have said, "I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable driving to the hospital for this, given my own experience, so I'm going to call you a taxi." (I know the OP said her daughter has anxiety about getting in a car with strangers, but surely that would have been a better solution than starting an argument, ranting on the way to the hospital and then leaving them to find their own way home?)

I'm sorry, but in 6 weeks he only drove you and / or your children 14 times?

I know I'm not taking into account the time wasted, but 6 weeks are 42 days, I thought he did that way more times.

Yeah either there's details missing or he's really not the man you think.

The only possibility I can think of is if his trauma was really fucking up with his mind all this time, since your ex was dying after all.

But even if that was the case he should have talked to you instead of bottling it all up until it exploded, which it did in the worst time possible.

I'll repeat what I said before, the relationship maaaaaybe is salvageable, but you need some deep and long talk with your children and later him about how all you feel so you can rethink the relationship.

Maybe he really isn't all that bad, but he did lash out at the worst moment possible, which can easily have ruined the relationship even if there was no malice behind everything.

The relationship would be over for me. His actions were cruel and callous.

At this point OP has the choice between supporting her daughter or staying with this man.

The daughter will never, ever forgive him, and if OP sticks by him she'll probably never forgive OP either.

Regardless of any backstory, you simply do not treat someone who is still a child in this way. You just don't.

Her daughter's dad was dying, what is wrong with you??!

Hard agree. I think any feelings I ever had for him would die if someone behaved like this about a family death.

What kind of utter arsehole kicks off about driving two family members to the deathbed of their parent?

He has really shown his true colours.

I would never forgive him and I doubt your DD will either.