DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

I completely agree with this.

So you take your neighbours to hospital appointments then? Like the OPs partner does for her daughter.

You would drive neighbours regularly for several hours round trip to hospital over 6 weeks if a relative was dying - and respond immediately and with grace if they arrived and said - "my relative is dying and we need to go now!"Never mind if you had work or other commitments.

You are a good neighbour and should make sure that all your nrighbours know that you are there for them any place any time.

I’m so sorry you have been the victim of abuse xx

Please, please find a way to get some counselling for yourself, if you haven’t already. The wounds of abuse go very deep and they affect how we see and value ourselves and what behaviours we will accept from others.

You are absolutely worthy of unconditional love and respect.
Try the Women’s Aid Freedom Programme.
best wishes to you 💐

He’s cold hearted.

No matter the inconvenience, I would never in a million years complain about taking a person to see their dying parent.

I would take a family member, friend, anyone really in these circumstances. It’s a critical moment in someone’s life.

Wow, aside from the fact it was insensitive of him to do it at that moment when her dad was dying!

This 👆 That is despicable and completely unforgivable.

this kind of behaviour was the nail in the coffin of my marriage. I will never forgive my ExH for his behaviour on the day my dad died.

It will not get better.

This ⬆️

DITCH HIM.

He’s awful.

who is abusing who here? the one who capitulated or the one who abuses goodwill?

Maybe there was somewhere else he wanted to be.

I'm sure OP's 16yo DD had somewhere she would rather be than saying goodbye to her dying father in hospital, too.

Fucking hell. Do people really think like you or is this just being a keyboard warrior?

That doesn't excuse it at all... her parent was DYING. His feeling on death don't matter at all.

Me and my dad dealt entirely oppositely when my mam died, he buried his head in the sand and pretended it wasn't happening and wasn't at the hospital. I sat by her every moment because I couldn't possibly imagine being anywhere else at that moment and the thought of her being alone would be devastating.

If he tried to ban me from being their because he find death upsetting and berated me while she died I would have NEVER forgiven him. Its abhorrently disgusting to yell at a grieving person for wanting to say goodbye. Calling her a 'little girl' is minimizing and disgustingly sexist too. A lot of horrific true colors have come out.

Anyone I know would go out of their way to help get someone to the hospital to a dying parent (even strangers) because its BASIC human decency and empathy.

Could you drip feed any more?

Jeez.

I'm out.

Best of luck to your daughter going forward and for your driving test. Here's hoping you pass 👍

And best of luck to the DP that many have piled on. Hopefully he can seek counselling/treatment for his trauma and move on too.

Your poor daughter having to be made to feel guilty by that lazy idiot in those exceptional circumstances. I'd leave him after that, disgraceful behaviour. He has shown his true colours there.

I'm sure your daughter will appreciate you marrying this prize specimen of manhood after what he has done to her.

Just think how wonderful it will be for her home to be occupied by somebody who didn't just try to dictate how she behaved when her father was dying, but threw a strop and made her and her mother make their own way home afterwards as punishment.

Do you think he's going to be particularly caring towards her as she spends her first Christmas without her father? If she wants to talk about their last moments together? Is he going to refuse to give her a lift to the funeral? If he says he will, how does she know he isn't going to pull out on the day because he has decided he's not a taxi service and it's wrong for her to go as he was a bit sad at a funeral when he was 9? Is he going to leave her stranded and coming back on the bus then as well? How's he going to be as she goes into her GCSEs - helpful, thoughtful or a dickhead? What happens if she feels that her Dad should be here helping her revise? When she's upset, frustrated or hurting, is he going to react with care or demand that she treats him with respect?

And through all this, her Mum will clearly still be shagging him.

Of course, his behaviour has another payoff - he's made it clear to her that her home, her mother, how she is parented, how she is to experience feelings, stressful, painful situations and grieve are under his control. So she'll be looking to get the hell out as soon as she can. If you've been dating for a long time, he's at the point where he can see the end prize of house, your income, your cooking and cleaning within reach. Just a few more months to get the teenager out so he can have full control.

Just cut him off. Right now. Book an Uber for the funeral, for hospital appointments, everything. You don't need him now, you won't need him in the future, she doesn't and has never needed him polluting not just her life but forever contaminating the memory of her last moments with her father.

You also said “He was already in a mood with me yesterday morning”. This is telling.

Your daughter already has severe anxiety. Get this sulky moody man out of her home immediately, and at the very least, please never let him move into her home.

You are continuing to focus on the driving, and not on the abusive behaviour and what you plan to do about it?

I would drive a stranger to.see their dying dad, let alone an SD.
His trauma my foot!

"Why does the girls distress trump HIS distress at seeing death and being traumatised for it?"

Because it's literally the day her dad is dying and he is an adult? Fucking hell.

I'd mostly agree with this.

7 years is a long relationship, why aren't you living together? He must have watched your children grow up, but has no actual formal position in their lives?

Did your children's dad have a big role in all of your lives? Did your partner get on with him?

Assuming partner works full time, 14 times in 6 weeks, several hours each time, is a big ask, for a family he seems to have a tangential position in.

Ah, the menz have arrived to put us little ladies in our places. Andrew Tate's website must be closed for maintenance today.

You and she are perfectly reasonable to ask someone who is literally there with a car, a driving licence, and is sober, to drive you to the hospital. Far quicker than a taxi and less stressful in such a horrible situation regardless of the anxiety.

I remember the time I had to pick up my dead cat in a towel from a vet in a taxi and the taxi driver was asking a lot of questions, including, "is it [the cat] ok?" It was horrific. You want privacy and the ability to have emotions when you're going through something traumatic.

The guy is a dick. A stranger would have helped without question knowing the situation, let alone someone who is supposedly part of your family. I could never forgive this. It's the last time he needed to do it, he could have held it together one more time for the sake of everyone else. What a selfish prick.

Of course he wouldn’t.

And how the heck do you know what trauma he faced?

Where you there?

Do tell enlighten us.

Trauma varies for everyone - its not a battle between who is younger/older when they experience it. JFC 🤦‍♂️🙄

Gotta second this post, worst case scenario he felt used for a long time and was getting tired of that, after all they don't even live together, probably has no saying in the children life, if he has much of a life with them, and his trauma might have made everything worse.

So like I said before, there was more to this story lol