DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

This 💯

What an absolute beast.

To all those questioning why the OP (and her 16yo DD?) don't drive, I think you are massively missing the point.

Op please ignore the few obvious troublemakers who are not as clever as they think they are.

Of course your partner is entitled to get hacked off at giving lifts any time he likes and say no. But the way life works is that everyone else is entitled to judge his character based on his behaviour which in this case was to upset a traumatised girl and leave her in the lurch when she needed support most.

Sounds more like the voice of the boyfriend 🙄

I echo a lot of others. The way he handled his frustration was not appropriate, but it's bloody rude to tell someone they have to drive you somewhere. You ask and if the answer is no you accept that and make other arrangements. You don't just spring it on someone last minute and then rage when they say no. In this instance, your DD can be excused, but if you all act entitled in general I can see why he snapped.

This is ridiculous! People having a go at you for not driving. That is really not the point at all. I know it's a pain to be driving back and forth from the hospital. My husband has to do it for me when my mum was on her death bed but he would never have stopped me from going because a decent human being would push his selfishness aside for 1 more day!! I cannot believe some people. Why is it so hard to not be a prick?

LTB He's an awful human. Also, your poor daughter shouldn't have had to lose it to get him to take her. That should've been you!

An excellent summary, the voice of reason here

“Paradoxically, to me that shows he's probably a decent guy”

Whats your assessment of him leaving them to make their own way home after the trauma of witnessing the death bearing in mind the daughter’s severe anxiety about being in a car with strangers? Decent?

This. He's a cunt! Congrats, you have got my first ever LTB! There are no words to describe how despicably he's behaved towards your daughter on the worst day of her life thus far.

"I think a lot of people (particularly those who have been driving a long time), forget/aren't aware of how bloody expensive learning to drive is now. Where I am the CHEAPEST instructor is £40 an hour. Even just one two hour lesson a week would be £320 a month. Then a test itself is £120. Then the cost of running a car... for many it is completely unaffordable."

This is true. I heard that the cost of learning could be around 1k. Also, it takes longer the older you are so more expensive.
Then the cost of running car where I live would apparently be equivalent to renting a small studio. Buying/leasing the car, insurance, maintenance...

Seriously? That is not the point!

Put your daughter and son first they need you and get rid of this man. It’s only a few weeks of lifts and he’s retired. He has plenty of free time to do what he wants from now.
After seeing your daughter go through that, don’t subject her to this man any further.
Some people are scarred from seeing a loved one day but many are traumatised from not being there. Your daughter made a clear choice that she wanted to see her dad.

I cant get over this comment. It's disgraceful.

OP there's no way you can stay with this man. Your daughter will be traumatised by his behaviour and on the day she needed support most.

Absolutely this. Such a dick move.

I'd be taking a long hard look at this relationship, yes he's done the trip twice a week for the past few weeks, but really his response was awful and very childish.
Do you really want to be with someone like this, who behaves so badly when the chips are down and it really matters.

yes! this has been one of the most controversial, anti man threads on here for a while, so many red herrings, white rabbits, McGuffins, points completely skewed,
missed, ignored, falacious reasoning and the usual poor comprehension skills all fed by one of the most insidious, invidious drip feeds on here ever - providing an outlet
for posters this morning who have completly run out of Maxwell House Ha!

lets hear it for @OnlyMabelInTheBuilding who actually cut through the Gordian Knot

OP says he'd only driven them to the hospital 14 times in 6 weeks. That's only just over twice a week.

Really not much at all in the circumstances.

However, even if it had been the daily visits I'd assumed were a given, no matter how tired he was of driving them, to cause an argument at such a time is outrageous behaviour.

Yes, I’m a bit lost for words too. Like a pp I’d drive a stranger to hospital if their parent was dying.

But the time to put your foot down or complain isn’t when someone’s father had hours to live.

Exactly. Off topic a bit, but I'm always amazed at Mumsnet privilege. You have to be very well off to learn to drive, unless you have someone willing and able to teach you in their car for free.

It's also quite difficult. There's no way I'd manage it with perimenopausal brain fog meaning I can't remember anything and a long term inner ear issue making me very travel sick.

Just to add we recently had a scare with my dad and my DH drove us all to the hospital even though we can drive too, because he realised that driving while very anxious/upset is horrible and possibly dangerous. That’s decent behaviour.

My first reaction on reading this was 'my God, what kind of person does/says that??' DP's behaviour seemed monstrous and inexplicably cruel.

On further reading I started to see things more from his point of view. You don't live together. Your DD has severe mental health and anxiety issues, not an easy situation for a new partner, but you've been together 7 years so he's taken that on board.

He has been putting his own life and convenience on hold to drive your family back and forth to the hospital (does he wait in the car/waiting room while you visit?). Which is a kindness towards your ex, even if he is doing it for you and DD. And he does this despite his own traumatic experience of watching a loved one die. A trauma he obviously hasn't processed, because he chose the worst possible time to explode into rage and frustration.

Paradoxically, to me that shows he's probably a decent guy. A cynical bastard would say all the right things, while wriggling out of doing the hard yards of caring for you and your daughter. I know that scenario and have learnt to judge people by what they do, rather than the (kind, noble, sensitive, reasonable) things they say.

Sounds to me like, in this situation with your ex, lots of feelings have come to a head for him that he just can't cope with any more, and he's put a bomb under everything. I agree with PPs who say that it'll be hard to come back from. Just a really difficult and sad situation for all of you. I wish you luck OP.

You’re supposed to marry someone who loves you and is kind to you (and if you have kids, loves and is kind to them).

OP I echo others - your previous abuse has made you wonder if kicking off at a soon to be bereaved teenager is acceptable behaviour in your partner. Of course it fucking isn’t. I don’t care if he’d driven her to the hospital 200 times - she’d just got The Call and the only reasonable reaction from a future stepdad is to take her ASAP and probably give her a hug and tell her how very sorry he is that this is happening.

Please do dump him and give this poor girl a chance of expecting better for herself before she falls for shit behaviour from men herself. It’s the best present you could ever give her to show you prioritise her and will not put up with someone who treats her poorly. 💐

Wow..........

Your poor DS and DD. I lost my dad at a similar age so my heart goes out to them.

While it can be frustrating being the only driver, these were exceptional, heartbreaking circumstances and to behave like that is extremely cruel. I wonder if it was related to his own traumatic experience of seeing a dying relative and it came out in a very dysfunctional way? But even if this is the case, it doesn’t help your DD and I would be seriously concerned about how he might respond to her grief going forward. For me, personally, there would be no way back from this and no way I would have him around my children again.

Edit: I’ve just read through all the updates (including the one where you talk about returning the favour) and reread your OP. LTB. You cannot afford to give this man even 1% of your attention right now. Your children need you.