DP not wanting to drive my DD to hospital to say goodbye to her dying dad

Ifinkyourefreaky · 2024-12-22T09:17:37+00:00

My ds 25 and dd 16 dad died yesterday, he's my exh. His diagnosis was 6 weeks ago and he went downhill rapidly. My DP of 7years had been doing lifts to and from hospital as he's the only one that drives out of us all. My dd lives with me and ds lived with his dad. My dp was already in a mood with me yesterday morning and then last minute through in that we needed to get my dd to the hospital ASAP before her DF died as she really wanted to say goodbye to him and he had only a couple of hours left if that. My dp didn't want to take her said she shouldn't be there to see him die it will scar her for life, It resulted in her crying and shouting 'I need to see my dad to say goodbye' and he said to her he shouldn't have to be dictated to by a little girl. He relented, complained on the way to hospital that he's just a taxi driver for everyone and he doesn't have to be doing this ect..... He dropped us at the hospital....30min drive and told us to find our own way home. I'm I being unreasonable to think that if he was annoyed/angry he should have just kept his mouth shut and sucked it up for one more day, as he made the whole thing so much more traumatic for my daughter. I kept saying to him, this is not the time for you to be venting at us now can you please stop. I can't speak to him or see him right now, I'm so angry with him. He doesn't live with us BTW.

CagneyAndLazy · 24/12/2024 18:47

KnitFastDieWarm · 24/12/2024 10:08

Thank you so much for letting me know about this - will be signing up!

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Thank you! It's so kind of you to consider helping.

JustSaltPlease · 24/12/2024 10:41

OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 22/12/2024 09:20

Why don’t any of you drive?

ffs

KnitFastDieWarm · 24/12/2024 10:08

CagneyAndLazy · 24/12/2024 07:21

@KnitFastDieWarm

"I’d give a stranger a lift to see their dying parent, let alone my partner’s child - and i’d do so with sympathy and good grace"

Please do put that into practice. It would be very much appreciated by many people in need, as per my quoted post.

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Thank you so much for letting me know about this - will be signing up!

CagneyAndLazy · 24/12/2024 07:21

CagneyAndLazy · 22/12/2024 13:54

Those of you who have said you'd not hesitate to drive complete strangers to a dying relative's bedside - such as:

@Ohthatsabitshit
@BelgianBeers
@Canyoudigityesyoucan
@Candy24
@Lentilweaver
@VeryStressedMum
@Allthehorsesintheworld

(I'm only @ing people in the hope they will see this and realise they really can get involved!)

Please, please do be true to your word and join those of us who volunteer an odd hour of our time with someone like RVS https://www.royalvoluntaryservice.org.uk/our-services/getting-out-about/ if you can spare even an hour or 2 occasionally.

There are never enough volunteers and it's especially important around Christmas time when services are sometimes limited.

So many people make throwaway comments about how giving and selfless they would be, given the opportunity, but it's often it's unfortunately just flippant rhetoric.

So please don't just say the words, put them into action and make a difference.

@KnitFastDieWarm

"I’d give a stranger a lift to see their dying parent, let alone my partner’s child - and i’d do so with sympathy and good grace"

Please do put that into practice. It would be very much appreciated by many people in need, as per my quoted post.

VacuumPacked · 23/12/2024 17:45

EmotionalSupportCuttlefish · 22/12/2024 18:58

it's not because we disagree, it's because you are being so horribly unpleasant to everyone. The Op doesn't need it.

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this doesn’t make any sense at all? but merry Christmas one and all !

KnitFastDieWarm · 23/12/2024 12:54

What a horrific cunt he is. I’d give a stranger a lift to see their dying parent, let alone my partner’s child - and i’d do so with sympathy and good grace.

Please leave this prick.

ClairDeLaLune · 22/12/2024 23:12

He made a heartbreaking situation for your DD even worse. That would be unforgivable for me, there would be no coming back from it. Dump him and concentrate on your kids, they need you.

blackerfriday · 22/12/2024 22:58

Balloonhearts · 22/12/2024 22:53

Sorry but I'm just going to be totally blunt here because I feel strongly about it. The way he treated your daughter when her father was about to die was emotional abuse. If this man remains in your daughters life after this, you are condoning and allowing the abuse of your child. And this is the kind of trauma that she will remember for a very very long time.

Actually cannot get my head around it for the life of me why it wasn't over the minute you got back from the hospital? He shouted at your devastated grieving child right in front of you. Over not wanting to drive her to her dying father. Yet you still consider yourself engaged! WTF are you doing? If my DP did that it would be a double fucking funeral and he wouldn't be riding up front!

Edited

I agree with this 100%. I'm pretty certain that even some of my neighbours would have leapt to help in this situation.

You really should re-think this relationship, but you're making excuses for him, so I doubt you will.

Balloonhearts · 22/12/2024 22:53

Sorry but I'm just going to be totally blunt here because I feel strongly about it. The way he treated your daughter when her father was about to die was emotional abuse. If this man remains in your daughters life after this, you are condoning and allowing the abuse of your child. And this is the kind of trauma that she will remember for a very very long time.

Actually cannot get my head around it for the life of me why it wasn't over the minute you got back from the hospital? He shouted at your devastated grieving child right in front of you. Over not wanting to drive her to her dying father. Yet you still consider yourself engaged! WTF are you doing? If my DP did that it would be a double fucking funeral and he wouldn't be riding up front!

Londisc · 22/12/2024 22:19

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 20:32

To all the posters feeling sorry for him because he's fed up of being the driver. It's not completely a one way street, I do stuff for him also. We always say thank you for the lifts, just as he always thanks me for helping him out with stuff and cooking his meal most evenings.
Does he do more for me than I do for him? Yes he does! But I have more commitments than him with work and my daughter so I'm busier than he is

Few posters felt sorry for him, yet you felt the need to respond to them... your children's father, has just died. Your daughter has serious physical and mental health problems. Focus on your children instead of strangers who may or may not agree with you here.

buttonousmaximous · 22/12/2024 21:57

He can be annoyed about being put up on all the time but this was not the time to have a strop about it. I'd find this hard to forgive.

PatheticDistraction · 22/12/2024 21:45

Mamasperspective · 22/12/2024 20:23

Why didn't you just get a taxi? You said yourself that he's been doing all the trips backwards and forwards and you're getting annoyed at him for saying no. He's perfectly within his rights to decline but for you and your daughter to argue the point with him is super entitled. I appreciate it's for someone important to you and your daughter but it sounds like your DP had already been more than accommodating. You and your daughter should book some driving lessons.

Her daughter is 16.

Her daughter's father was about to die.

PatheticDistraction · 22/12/2024 21:42

Ohthatsabitshit · 22/12/2024 09:25

I’d drive a stranger off the street to say goodbye to their father.

This. 100%.

I'm shocked people are even validating his annoyance.

SindySnowflake · 22/12/2024 21:42

This is one of those threads that is so outrageous I feel like there must be far more to it…

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 22/12/2024 21:29

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 20:32

To all the posters feeling sorry for him because he's fed up of being the driver. It's not completely a one way street, I do stuff for him also. We always say thank you for the lifts, just as he always thanks me for helping him out with stuff and cooking his meal most evenings.
Does he do more for me than I do for him? Yes he does! But I have more commitments than him with work and my daughter so I'm busier than he is

What the posters who say that they feel for him because he's always the driver seem to forget (deliberately?) is that your daughter got to say goodbye to her father as he died once.

It wasn't normal circumstances. They were unique, and this was not the time to throw a dramatic wobbly. Not now.

I'm sorry for your daughter's loss @@Ifinkyourefreaky This will be a very difficult Christmas for her. The way your partner handled this whole thing has really made it worse. The poor girl struggles with her mental health, and for her to have to beg him to take her, feeling powerless against his appallingly timed tantrum, will not make this any better at all.

This was not the time.

Lotsofsnacks · 22/12/2024 21:26

Fair enough he was fed up of always driving everyone around, but the day your dd’s dad was dying, was not the day to kick up a fuss about this!! He should have just said of course with no drama. Poor girl had enough on her plate than to deal with his moody outburst. He really didn’t read the room did he?! Do you want to be with someone who moans and complains over a literal tragic death situation where he could help out the dd of the women he loves? !

Candy24 · 22/12/2024 21:01

Mamasperspective · 22/12/2024 20:23

Why didn't you just get a taxi? You said yourself that he's been doing all the trips backwards and forwards and you're getting annoyed at him for saying no. He's perfectly within his rights to decline but for you and your daughter to argue the point with him is super entitled. I appreciate it's for someone important to you and your daughter but it sounds like your DP had already been more than accommodating. You and your daughter should book some driving lessons.

WOW As if you would be ok with your partner saying no at that time. Some people on here forget real life.

stichguru · 22/12/2024 20:45

Please make sure that your life is set up so that if your poor children never ever want to be in the same place as this horrible man again they never have to be.

Lavender14 · 22/12/2024 20:44

Sorry op but I think that would be the end of my relationship that he didn't WANT to support my dd in such a traumatic moment.

itsgettingweird · 22/12/2024 20:39

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 18:37

Wow!!! I did not expect so many responses. I've tried hard to read them all and really appreciate the support and advice offered here. Some really good points, not sure about some of the hate comments towards my partner, some are a bit extreme! I really appreciate the ones seeing it from my partners perspective also, as there are 2 sides to every story, and his side seems to have been picked up on by quiet a few people and that helps me see things from his perspective.
I've a lot to think about and think I will take a step back from this relationship.
It doesn't really matter who's to blame, obviously something is not working.
Thank you everyone, much appreciated!

I hope you dd and ds can salvage a Christmas after this.

I know he was your ex but he gave you 2 wonderful children so you're allowed to grieve with them.

BruFord · 22/12/2024 20:38

@Ifinkyourefreaky Do you have any idea why he blew up like that then? Could it be connected with your ex? You said that he was already moaning (presumably about something unrelated) prior to the phone call.

Original poster

Ifinkyourefreaky · 22/12/2024 20:32

To all the posters feeling sorry for him because he's fed up of being the driver. It's not completely a one way street, I do stuff for him also. We always say thank you for the lifts, just as he always thanks me for helping him out with stuff and cooking his meal most evenings.
Does he do more for me than I do for him? Yes he does! But I have more commitments than him with work and my daughter so I'm busier than he is

OP posts:

Mamasperspective · 22/12/2024 20:23

Why didn't you just get a taxi? You said yourself that he's been doing all the trips backwards and forwards and you're getting annoyed at him for saying no. He's perfectly within his rights to decline but for you and your daughter to argue the point with him is super entitled. I appreciate it's for someone important to you and your daughter but it sounds like your DP had already been more than accommodating. You and your daughter should book some driving lessons.

BruFord · 22/12/2024 20:23

You’re wise to take a step back, OP.

@JustMyView13 makes an interesting point about him possibly being jealous of your ex and that’s also made me wonder about something you mentioned: I have been subjected to abuse from an early age on and off throughout my life.

Was your ex abusive towards you? Is your partner angry that you and your DD were visiting him despite his past behavior? Of course children still love their parents, regardless of their behavior.

I’m probably on the wrong track with this, but it could explain why he suddenly flared up after being supportive in the past.

Eskarina1 · 22/12/2024 20:04

I've struggled to rebuild my relationship with my mum for 7 years after she said/did something stupid the day my dad died. I was 37, a lot more mature and forgiving than 16.

Whatever his perspective might have been, he told your 16 year old he "would not be dictated to by a little girl", caused a stupid drama when she should have been focused on her dad and you should have been focused on her and he deliberately left her to do something that terrifies her immediately after saying goodbye to her dad. Very little would justify any of that. And very little would justify you accepting any of it.