DH eating DMIL's leftovers.

The licking of plates is gross but I eat dc leftovers so am probably equally bad. I think he should serve her first as guest. Possibly a bit more patience from you and a bit more speed from him and you could meet in the middle somewhere.

The licking of the plate is gross though. I don’t lick others plates nor do I share cutlery or drinks with other and that would include my own parents, own children etc. you can get all sorts from saliva e.g glandular fever

@Treesandsheepeverywhere

she is a guest in your home. Your husband is right to serve guests ahead of you. Don’t you do this when you have friends over or whatever, serve them first over your husband. It’s just polite and good manners.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere you need to tell him how disgusting it is to lick a plate!! obviously that fine mother of his did not teach him any manners!

I wouldn't even lick my kids plates - what is the need! Fair enough, giving some food left to another but scraps & licking the plate - yuk!

But the big question is OP that I’m pretty sure everyone wants answered is - WHY is he licking her plate?!

As others have said, it’s one thing to eat a left over slice of pizza or a roast potato but cold bits of peas and cabbage is really disgusting and weird. If he’s then picking up the plate and licking it clean like a dog then it’s utterly bizarre!
Does he think he’s getting it extra clean before it goes in a dishwasher? Was he taught to do this growing up because he took his mother saying he had to clear his plate before pudding literally? Was he raised by a pack of wolves in early childhood then rescued by his mother and that’s why he’s so close to her? Is it gratitude or fear she will release him back into the wild?

In all honesty I’d be telling him that if he continues with the plate licking like a Labrador then you will be the one releasing him back into the wild. It turns my stomach thinking about it and I can’t imagine why both you and his mother haven’t pulled him up on it, if he does it again I’d serve his food in a dog bowl!

What was the job you needed him to do and come back again? If it was something like getting something you needed from your room then bringing it to you then that makes a bit of sense, otherwise why did you need him to come back if he then had time to go back into carry on his conversation?

I think until you address the questions about the plate licking it’s what a lot of people will focus on, I expect many people suspected it was exaggeration to influence voting you were not being unreasonable. Does your husband do this in restaurants?

I think you are unreasonable for mentioning the fact that your husband licks plates casually without giving an explanation why. He must have to pick it up to lick it or bend over to do it, is this if he’s eaten what’s on it already or does he eat like a cat?

He interrupted the job to chat to her, not the other way round.
Of course I wouldn't interrupt them mid conversation.
Job was in her room, she was up but still in bed, hence asking DH to do it.
He could have gone in, done the 2 minute job, then gone back to chat.
As it was, I had to wait 20 minutes for him to get back.

This is confusing. You say the job was in her room and that he could have done it and gone back to chat - but “go back” from where? You say you were waiting 20 minutes for him to get back - why did he need to come back? To receive more orders? What was so important about this job that took place in a room you weren’t even in that it HAD to be done that very minute?

Are you really that worried about him being under his mother’s thumb? Or are you worried he’s just under the wrong thumb?

The plate thing.. why why why? Is he trying to actively get some of her germs?!

The OP hadn't clarified that bit and we all thought she was exaggerating but any plate licking is gross 🤣

YABU that he should serve you first, presumably MIL is older so she should always be served first.

The plate-clearing is a bit odd, YANBU there.

I don’t even know what I’m reading anymore, this is disgusting.

Guests first, family hold back, is what I was always brought up with. I guess born out of rationing etc as it was that generation I learnt it from.

Guests get fed first and best.

I understand your point but he's a grown man.. apologies if i got the licking the plate bit wrong though.. I thought that's what he did 😳😳

@GivingYourHeadAWobble hmmm...even without the licking it is horrible manners. I guess it's the sort of thing a busy parent might do with their kids leftovers when they're too busy to eat properly. Like just shove a half eaten fish finger in. But not adults amongst eachother in polite company.

Serving her first at dinner is just politeness. I was taught that senior women were served first, then senior men, then younger folks of either sex after that. With hosts served last.
It's just respectful to older people and guests. So that in itself isn't a bother to me.

The plate thing is grim. The rest sounds normal to me, I’d always serve my guests first and my DH 2nd to last and myself last, same as he would. When it’s just the 2 of us we would of course serve each other first but I’d expect his mum/ any guest to be served before me.

I'm just saying that if you think about it factually, the objection presumably to the left overs is the potential presence of a bit of saliva, and they have previously shared much more by way of bodily fluids, so yes it does sounds gross and I wouldn't do it but you can see why he wouldn't think much of it? I mean he grew inside her. I don't think any actual plate licking occurred, the original story was just taking some left over bits. Some people don't think eating family left overs is gross, my brother in law will happily nick off any of our plates!

Your dh sounds polite. You sound controlling. I cant imagine ever asking my mum to take a particular seat so she was less able to chat!! Even if it was supposed to be for view of garden. That is so rude.

Serving guest first and speaking to them also normal. What "task" did you need completed? Somethint burning needs urgent attention, most other tasks can be when dh gets a minute, speaking to any visitors especially his mum is fine.

@Treesandsheepeverywhere you haven't answered anyone's questions on the details of the leftover finishing, even though this is the bit lots of people asked for clarifications on, and also the bit that most people agreed with you about. Is it possible that this is a bit exaggerated the way you described it?

Eh? Interrupting a conversation is really quite rude.

Plate and swapping rooms you have a point. If there’s a spare room she could have had that.

The rest yabu massively so

Just sounds like she likes to chat - is trying to be friendly and you don't like her.
If my mum was round and DH asked me to do a job (!! In itself... a job for you?) Unless it was actually urgent the chat with my mum comes first.
She sounds fine. Which if you're trying to just point out her worst features suggests she's probably quite nice and friendly. And trying to make an effort
And as PP have said
You serve guests first. Even if I'm helping at my mums I serve my mum first. She's my mum..
Sounds like your poor relationship with your mum is clouding your judgement of a reasonably healthy relationship.

Picking a bit of food off a plate instead of scraping it in the bin- not ideal but no deal breaker. Licking someone else's plate is gross.

From reading all of your posts, it sounds like you have the problem and you're being too sensitive.

The plate thing is just fucking gross. Have you asked your DH why he does it?

You chose to give up your room. Didn't have to and shouldn't have if there's a spare.

Always serve guests first, not yourselves. It's basic manners. Doesn't matter who the guest is.

As for where she sat - WTAF?! Do you always assign seats to your guests? Did you want her to sit with her back to you in silence while you were essentially in the same room? Jesus Christ, why bother to invite her if you don't want anyone to talk to her?!

Give her a bloody seat in the kitchen and chat. Let the cooking take a little longer, so what? Give her a little job to do if she wants to.

If you're going to have guests over, you need to BE with your guests. Otherwise don't invite any.

Listen. I get it. You're feeling pissed off he is prioritsing her over you. But he is showing his mum respect. I would avert my eyes at this behaviour. Pick your battles and let him give her the respect she deserves as a parent.