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Original poster

DD has regifted something to me for my birthday which has been lying around the house for 3 years

361 replies

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/12/2024 08:42

I’m really upset but not sure if I am overreacting or how to handle.

DD (13) has just presented me with two regifted presents: they are both things she made to be fair and they are lovely but they have been in our home for three years one of them was sitting on my desk for a few weeks. They are very familiar to me.

She had a budget from me for Christmas shopping (including my birthday) and I know she has spent a lot of care and love on buying presents for her aunt and her school friends.

I don’t have a problem with regifting in principle but I think giving someone a household object they see every day and presenting it as a birthday present is a real fuck you.

I am really quite upset but I am not sure if I am overreacting and need to find a way to handle it without being really grabby or consumerist and insisting on expensive stuff.

OP posts:
Aspargar · 22/12/2024 11:20

biscuitsandbooks · 22/12/2024 11:17

She hasn't overspent because since her mum called her out on her behaviour, she miraculously managed to find the money to pay for cinema tickets.

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It’s also not Christmas yet, so who knows between now and then what the DD have got for the OP. She could be awaiting a delivery or planned to go this weekend.

For all we know, the OP could have even spoiled a surprise. Doubtful yes, but it was premature to cause such drama already.

Original poster
Thepeopleversuswork · 22/12/2024 11:18

@LinnettdeBelleforte

Because I earn about five times what he earns so that wouldn’t fly.

The terms of our divorce agreement were that I kept the house but wouldn’t not come after him for money. I don’t need his money and it’s more trouble than it’s worth.

OP posts:
biscuitsandbooks · 22/12/2024 11:17

Barney16 · 22/12/2024 11:15

Odd but would just leave it. She maybe overspent on everyone else and got in a panic.

She hasn't overspent because since her mum called her out on her behaviour, she miraculously managed to find the money to pay for cinema tickets.

Aspargar · 22/12/2024 11:17

PinkFrogss · 22/12/2024 10:58

But OP hasn’t caused drama or had a strop.

What if daughter does the same thing next year as her mother appreciated it so much? It would be so much worse to have to explain it was all an act.

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Which is why I have repeatedly stated, that this year should have been let go, but next year OP should be parenting her DD through this. Support with writing up a list of names, setting expectations, assisting with budgeting and taking DD to the shops. It’s about teaching her Dd about the art of gift giving, not shaming her into getting her another gift.

biscuitsandbooks · 22/12/2024 11:16

FoolishHips · 22/12/2024 11:12

I think this is verging on emotional abuse to expect a child of that age to understand what a parent is feeling. When you have a child you expect to spend money on them and parent them - they don't have to pay you back.

That said, I probably haven't instilled proper gift giving etiquette in my DS's and that's partly because they're autistic and partly because I buy so many treats for myself, I'd feel a bit guilty making them spend money on me.

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Emotional abuse? Really?

She's 13. She's more than capable of going out and spending £5 on a suitable present for her mum, and making a card. Or she could bake a nice cake, or offer to cook dinner. It's not the money - it's the thought behind it. Re-gifting stuff that's been lying round the house for years is just unkind and thoughtless - and it's not emotionally abusive to point that out.

Ottersmith · 22/12/2024 11:16

Gem359 · 22/12/2024 11:04

Oh OP you're the one person she doesn't have to impress to get love from, so you are bottom of the pile when it comes to presents. It's just how it should be IMO so have a lovely time at the cinema.

Sorry.. was talking about this one.

Barney16 · 22/12/2024 11:15

Odd but would just leave it. She maybe overspent on everyone else and got in a panic.

Hotflushesandchilblains · 22/12/2024 11:14

Sounds like your DD has learned a good lesson about the importance of treating people properly - even mum. Good for you for raising it with her.

Ottersmith · 22/12/2024 11:13

Yes this is the crux of it. A bad gift from a daughter shouldn't be seen as a measure of her love for you.

biscuitsandbooks · 22/12/2024 11:13

OrangeSlices998 · 22/12/2024 11:09

I’ve explained my opinion over and over and I think the OP is probably very similarly minded - it’s LITERALLY the thought that counts. Wrapping an item you’ve had in your house for 3y is not a gift to give someone! Spending £4 on a box of chocolates you know they like is thoughtful, it’s not about how much you spend it’s about taking 5 minutes to consider your parent (in this scenario) and put in some effort.

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Exactly! Nobody's saying she should have spent £20 - it's not hard to find a box of chocolates that you know someone likes, or their favourite kind of cake, or some of their favourite body scrub, is it?

Since when was it okay to have such low expectations of 13 year olds?

CustardySergeant · 22/12/2024 11:12

HoppityBun · 22/12/2024 10:25

so OP I clicked YABU but I meant YANBU. It’s hurtful and dismissed but I’d let it go

You can change your vote. Just click on the option you meant.

FoolishHips · 22/12/2024 11:12

Lemonadeand · 22/12/2024 09:32

I think a gentle, “Can we talk about the birthday presents you gave me? How would you feel if for your birthday I gave you things that had been lying round the house for three years?”

Then maybe, “I’m feeling quite hurt and unappreciated right now. how do you think we can make this right?”

She’s old enough to start doing some thinking.

I think this is verging on emotional abuse to expect a child of that age to understand what a parent is feeling. When you have a child you expect to spend money on them and parent them - they don't have to pay you back.

That said, I probably haven't instilled proper gift giving etiquette in my DS's and that's partly because they're autistic and partly because I buy so many treats for myself, I'd feel a bit guilty making them spend money on me.

LinnettdeBelleforte · 22/12/2024 11:12

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/12/2024 10:15

I know she loves and adores me. We generally have a good relationship and she’s not a bad teenager as they go.

But she can be selfish (like many teenagers).

Her birthday present for next year involves me going halves with her on some concert tickets which are pretty expensive.

I am the main breadwinner in our household. My partner contributes to her upkeep, her biological father doesn’t. I raised her totally singlehanded until 18 months ago when my partner and I moved in together. I work very hard and very long hours.

I guess at some level I feel like I have invested a lot on her, both in terms of money and time. Obviously I don’t regret this and would do it again ant the drop of an hat and I don’t for one moment expect her to feel responsible or guilty about this. It’s my responsibility as the parent and I take this on the chin. But she asks for money a lot (mainly to spend on music). She has an allowance and has to budget from that: she doesn’t get additional money, but there was certainly enough money in the pot between her Christmas money and her allowance for her to buy me a card or a small gift.

But I suppose at nearly 14 years old and knowing I have raised and supported her almost singlehanded I would expect her to think that I deserve a bit more thought than this.

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Why aren't you going after her biological father for money?

biscuitsandbooks · 22/12/2024 11:11

Gem359 · 22/12/2024 11:04

Oh OP you're the one person she doesn't have to impress to get love from, so you are bottom of the pile when it comes to presents. It's just how it should be IMO so have a lovely time at the cinema.

It's not "how it should be" at all.

No wonder there are threads every year from people who are upset because they've received utterly shit gifts with no thought behind them.

A 13 year old is more than capable of managing a budget and choosing a nice, thoughtful present for her mum. I certainly managed it at that age, as did all my friends - when did we start having such low expectations?

miraxxx · 22/12/2024 11:10

Gem359 · 22/12/2024 11:04

Oh OP you're the one person she doesn't have to impress to get love from, so you are bottom of the pile when it comes to presents. It's just how it should be IMO so have a lovely time at the cinema.

That's a terrible attitude to impart to children. Almost abusive.

OrangeSlices998 · 22/12/2024 11:09

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I’ve explained my opinion over and over and I think the OP is probably very similarly minded - it’s LITERALLY the thought that counts. Wrapping an item you’ve had in your house for 3y is not a gift to give someone! Spending £4 on a box of chocolates you know they like is thoughtful, it’s not about how much you spend it’s about taking 5 minutes to consider your parent (in this scenario) and put in some effort.

StMarie4me · 22/12/2024 11:08

thehousewiththesagegreensofa · 22/12/2024 08:51

I think I'd ask if we're doing re-cycled gifts this year and, if so, does she want to choose items from around the house for you to give her or if she's happy for you to make the choice.

I love this!

Original poster
Thepeopleversuswork · 22/12/2024 11:08

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Sorry carer. It’s a fair cop, I am typing on my phone without glasses. It’s a fairly good rule of thumb in my book that when people pile into a thread to mither people about spelling and grammar they aren’t posting in good grace.

That said I have said I take your comments on board even though you have insulted me and I do take them on board and I thank you as it’s all food for thought.

But for future reference you might find that gratuitous insults tend to diminish the impact of your comments. Worth giving this a bit of thought.

OP posts:
Ribidibidibidoobahday · 22/12/2024 11:07

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My phone autocorrects "to" to "yo" consistently and I am not the sort of person who uses the word yo. Picking on someone for carer/career typo is just unfathomable.

miraxxx · 22/12/2024 11:06

Aspargar · 22/12/2024 11:03

I think creating a MN thread over it is the definition of drama

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Who appointed you High Arbiter of Thread Content? 90% of MN threads fall into the drama category!

PinkFrogss · 22/12/2024 11:05

Aspargar · 22/12/2024 11:03

I think creating a MN thread over it is the definition of drama

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There’s hundreds of threads created each and everyday. Are you saying they’re all creating dramas? Im not sure why you signed up to a forum if you think creating a thread = creating a drama Confused

Gem359 · 22/12/2024 11:04

Oh OP you're the one person she doesn't have to impress to get love from, so you are bottom of the pile when it comes to presents. It's just how it should be IMO so have a lovely time at the cinema.

miraxxx · 22/12/2024 11:03

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There you go again with the personal abuse. If only you could see yourself.

Aspargar · 22/12/2024 11:03

PinkFrogss · 22/12/2024 10:58

But OP hasn’t caused drama or had a strop.

What if daughter does the same thing next year as her mother appreciated it so much? It would be so much worse to have to explain it was all an act.

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I think creating a MN thread over it is the definition of drama

Bakedpotatoes · 22/12/2024 11:02

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You are horrible.