Page 4 | DD has regifted something to me for my birthday which has been lying around the house for 3 years

Thepeopleversuswork · 2024-12-22T08:42:40+00:00

I’m really upset but not sure if I am overreacting or how to handle. DD (13) has just presented me with two regifted presents: they are both things she made to be fair and they are lovely but they have been in our home for three years one of them was sitting on my desk for a few weeks. They are very familiar to me. She had a budget from me for Christmas shopping (including my birthday) and I know she has spent a lot of care and love on buying presents for her aunt and her school friends. I don’t have a problem with regifting in principle but I think giving someone a household object they see every day and presenting it as a birthday present is a real fuck you. I am really quite upset but I am not sure if I am overreacting and need to find a way to handle it without being really grabby or consumerist and insisting on expensive stuff.

Original poster

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/12/2024 15:45

jessiejaney · 22/12/2024 15:40

She is 13
You are a grown woman
Are you really upset about this?

I’m was upset when I posted. I have “got over it”. It’s all fine.

But I still think regifting something you have found lying around the house when you have been given money explicitly for the purpose of buying presents is a bit of a pisstake. I’m not going to cry myself to sleep over it but I think I was right to call it out!

OP posts:

kerstina · 22/12/2024 15:45

I also meant to say while friends are everything at that age , you as her Mum will be irreplaceable to her when she grows up.

biscuitsandbooks · 22/12/2024 15:43

kerstina · 22/12/2024 15:31

I just thought it sounded a bit controlling telling her exactly who she can and can’t buy presents for . At that age friends are everything and she probably just doesn’t want to leave anyone out. I would give her a bit more leeway ( is that the right word) but that’s just me.

But she had money left over - and chose not to spend any of it on her mum.

It's not a case of her running out of money. She could have bought some flowers or a nice present and just decided not to bother.

jessiejaney · 22/12/2024 15:40

She is 13
You are a grown woman
Are you really upset about this?

Original poster

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/12/2024 15:37

kerstina · 22/12/2024 15:31

I just thought it sounded a bit controlling telling her exactly who she can and can’t buy presents for . At that age friends are everything and she probably just doesn’t want to leave anyone out. I would give her a bit more leeway ( is that the right word) but that’s just me.

I just meant that she needed to not spaff all the budget on her friends and leave nothing for family… which in the event turned out to be exactly what happened.

OP posts:

biscuitsandbooks · 22/12/2024 15:34

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/12/2024 15:27

What particularly about me sounds controlling?

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Don't worry, you don't sound controlling in the slightest.

biscuitsandbooks · 22/12/2024 15:32

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 22/12/2024 14:53

Also, I feel that a lot of the "she's just too young to understand about buying presents" commenters haven't really taken on board the fact that this 13 year old has managed to buy presents for everyone on the list apart from her mum

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Exactly! If she can manage to buy presents for everyone else, it's clearly not beyond her capabilities to buy some flowers or something for her mum.

kerstina · 22/12/2024 15:31

I just thought it sounded a bit controlling telling her exactly who she can and can’t buy presents for . At that age friends are everything and she probably just doesn’t want to leave anyone out. I would give her a bit more leeway ( is that the right word) but that’s just me.

ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 22/12/2024 15:29

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/12/2024 15:27

What particularly about me sounds controlling?

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Ignore - that’s ridiculous.

Original poster

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/12/2024 15:27

kerstina · 22/12/2024 15:23

Reading your update you do sound a bit controlling .Maybe your daughter was feeling a bit rebellious that day .

What particularly about me sounds controlling?

OP posts:

backawayfatty1 · 22/12/2024 15:24

I would be annoyed at this too! I do think sometimes teenagers are about thoughtless. My DD15 is a lovely, caring young woman who loves giving & planning thoughtful gifts. She is autistic so might play a part but she always tells me what she's getting me. I would like a surprise but I just leave it, maybe I should say something! In your shoes, I would've said the same thing as you.

kerstina · 22/12/2024 15:23

Reading your update you do sound a bit controlling .Maybe your daughter was feeling a bit rebellious that day .

teapotfullofsquash · 22/12/2024 15:12

I'm amazed at the number of posters who wouldn't expect better behaviour from a 13 year old. My daughter is 13, and if she wrapped up stuff from around the house, she would also be told how inconsiderate it was.

I made my parents a key rack in a design tech class once. I didn't officially give it to them, so I may sneak round and wrap it up for them for Christmas. 🤣

ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 22/12/2024 15:11

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/12/2024 09:49

@DangerMouseAndPenfoldx

She made the things for me in a DT class in (I think) year seven. Brought them home and showed them to me and I said I loved them (and I do love them).

But we both know they have been in the house for years and she has not put the slightest bit of thought into this. The way I explained it to her was: how would you feel if I gave you the Nintendo Switch I gave you last year again this year.

I took her shopping last week to buy presents for other family and friends and she put a lot of care into choosing gifts for other family members (with my help and advice). I also know both my partner and her dad have spoken to her about prioritizing a gift for me. But she apparently feels that mum can manage without this level of thought.

I get it: teenagers are thoughtless. We have made up and are friends and are going to the cinema together tonight so I think it’s all good.

I just wanted to say I thought you dealt with this really well. It’s important we call this behaviour out at this age as it’s the age they are starting to learn that their behaviour can affect other people’s feelings.

It sounds like she’s being quite thoughtful now, have a lovely cinema trip!

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 22/12/2024 15:02

Wow, so many of the responses here explain why the next generation are being raised as spoilt entitled brats.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 22/12/2024 14:53

biscuitsandbooks · 22/12/2024 14:39

These responses are just crazy to me.

An almost-fourteen year old is more than capable of buying her mum a birthday present, ffs.

Also, I feel that a lot of the "she's just too young to understand about buying presents" commenters haven't really taken on board the fact that this 13 year old has managed to buy presents for everyone on the list apart from her mum

WhatNoRaisins · 22/12/2024 14:48

I'm always a bit confused on these threads by the people who act like teenagers are small children incapable of doing any better than this. How on earth do they cope at secondary school if they're that childlike? Do the parents plan to attend uni with them?

biscuitsandbooks · 22/12/2024 14:39

These responses are just crazy to me.

An almost-fourteen year old is more than capable of buying her mum a birthday present, ffs.

Original poster

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/12/2024 14:33

MartinCrieffsLemon · 22/12/2024 14:29

Also it would be hugely awkward to turn around to you and say "I need more money for your gift". If this partner of yours is living with you then they need to step up and start helping her purchase your gift...

He offered to do this. She told him she already had the gift.

OP posts:

DepartingRadish · 22/12/2024 14:32

MartinCrieffsLemon · 22/12/2024 14:27

You make her buy her AUNT and her PARTNER'S gifts from her own money? Over friends that she has genuinely chosen and cares about?

I think that's the most unreasonable thing here

Why? The aunt and partner are family members - why would it be unreasonable to say that gifts for family need to be prioritised? Particularly, if those family members are also likely to be buying gifts for OP's DD.

Original poster

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/12/2024 14:32

MartinCrieffsLemon · 22/12/2024 14:27

You make her buy her AUNT and her PARTNER'S gifts from her own money? Over friends that she has genuinely chosen and cares about?

I think that's the most unreasonable thing here

No: I have given her a budget for this. The budget is over and above her allowance and is intended specifically to cover gifts like this because I don’t expect her to cover them from her allowance.

OP posts:

MartinCrieffsLemon · 22/12/2024 14:29

Also it would be hugely awkward to turn around to you and say "I need more money for your gift". If this partner of yours is living with you then they need to step up and start helping her purchase your gift...

MartinCrieffsLemon · 22/12/2024 14:27

You make her buy her AUNT and her PARTNER'S gifts from her own money? Over friends that she has genuinely chosen and cares about?

I think that's the most unreasonable thing here

DepartingRadish · 22/12/2024 14:25

The first ChatGPT response reads to me as if AI has assumed that the OP's post is what she actually said to her daughter - rather than her venting anonymously on a talk forum.

The second ChatGPT response feels a bit more nuanced and relevant. However it's missing the key bit again IMO - I don't agree that a household ornament which has been about for ages, hastily wrapped up as a present, is something that has been chosen with thought and care.

I'm also really surprised by the number of responses saying to leave it because she's a child. At what age can you tell a child that they have been thoughtless and that this has been hurtful - 15? 18? Surely part and parcel of growing up is realising (whether that's gradually, or by being told) that your actions have an effect on other people including your close family?

Original poster

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/12/2024 14:15

For total clarity as some people have asked:

DD gets a weekly allowance which is linked to her doing chores. She was also allocated a separate Christmas present budget pot by me which was intended to cover: me, her dad, my partner, my sister and her partner and the 3 or 4 school friends she had indicated she wanted to buy for. I agreed to give her the budget on the basis that she needed to buy all the gifts from it. She initially wanted to buy presents for 6 or 7 friends and I said she should prioritise family first and I was very clear that me, her dad, my partner and my sister and her partner came first in the pecking order and that the school friends could come out of the Christmas budget if there was enough in there but that if she went over they had to come out of her allowance. I even said if there's something very specific you want to buy for me but the budget doesn't cover it let me know and we can negotiate but that she should aim to cover everything from the budget.

Hence being a bit shocked when I knew she had covered everyone else from that money but apparently not me. If she had really wanted something for me and had run out of money and said "I need £x for this, I'm really sorry," I'd have been more sympathetic and probably found the money. It was the fact she just presented these old ornaments to me, in fully knowledge that I'd been very explicit that I (and other family) should be prioritised from that money.

I am buying all the gifts for the wider family, including obviously all hers.

To the people raising the point about seeking validation from your children: it's a fair point and I understand why you've raised it. A PP asked me why I had experienced this as a "fuck you" and I think subconsciously I am a bit upset because I have done and continue to do a lot for her and she knows I've done it largely single-handedly. I appreciate that it's not her job to pander to this, it wasn't her choice and it's not her job to provide me with emotional validation. I didn't mean to imply that it was.

Fundamentally I think a child of nearly 14 should understand the importance of gratitude and taking a bit of time and trouble to buy a present for a loved one, particularly when they have been given a budget explicitly to do this. It was never my intention to imply that she "owed" me and I don't feel she does.

OP posts: