DD has regifted something to me for my birthday which has been lying around the house for 3 years

Oh op. You’re not behaving well at all. Do you often treat her like this? I’m going to guess this is not isolated. That girl is going to get to 18 and run. And not look back, it is death by a thousand cuts.

OP, the update makes me side with your daughter. You shouldn't have told her that she couldn't buy for her friends because she has to buy for the father who doesn't even contribute to her keep. I mean WTF? I think she is sending you a message. Listen to her.

I totally agree. Also her deadbeat dad.

I always tell my Dc that I don’t want much for Christmas but they do know that I would like to be considered. One of my favourite pressies was when I just started on an allotment and my then 15 yo old gave me 2 packets of veg seeds. I would excitedly hold up a bunch of carrots and handful of basil and remind her of her gift.

Well done Op for telling your Dd how you felt and teaching her how to be kind to those we love.

She was also allocated a separate Christmas present budget pot by me which was intended to cover: me, her dad, my partner, my sister and her partner and the 3 or 4 school friends she had indicated she wanted to buy for. I agreed to give her the budget on the basis that she needed to buy all the gifts from it. She initially wanted to buy presents for 6 or 7 friends and I said she should prioritise family first and I was very clear that me, her dad, my partner and my sister and her partner came first in the pecking order and that the school friends could come out of the Christmas budget if there was enough in there but that if she went over they had to come out of her allowance.

What she then did - spending (money and/or effort) on her friends with little left over for relatives, especially parents, especially you - couldn't be more symbolic of the teenage process of reorientation towards the wider world if it tried. And your insistence on family being top in the pecking order is almost like you dared her. She's done exaxtly what teenagers are supposed to do, looked at in that way. I don't think you're 'controlling' as we ordinarily understand it, but I think the posters who have said you are are picking up on this aspect of what's gone on here. This isn't a competition you were going to win.

And honestly, I'd really really caution against going down the road of reading malice into her actions. She wasn't sneaky. Quite the opposite. She knew you knew she knew those weren't presents she'd bought. She was saying 'I [mis]managed my budget (of money and/or effort) and prioritised my friends (and her further-away family) [as I am supposed to at my age] and I know I'm also supposed to give you something so here it is'. Frankly, you're not uppermost in her mind and thoughts right now, neither should you be. This is the wrong time in her life to want a return on your investment (if there is ever a right one). She loves you. She would fall apart if you died tomorrow. You know that really. Consdering she's deliberately withholding something from you by not giving you tangible tributes is the top of a very slippery slope.

Again, if it was me, the regifted objects would have pride of place on my desk all year and next year the budget would be given with a 'now don't run out of money like last year, OK? I'd really love [inexpensive item X]' and that, plus the year of maturity she'd hopefully gained, would be enough.

That was what happened in your family - which is fine, but that's not necessarily the case for OP's family. You may class an Aunt as extended family, but others may have extremely close relationships with them and view them differently to how you do. As it happens, OP has subsequently clarified that her DD was given money for present buying which was specifically over and above her usual allowance.

The OP IS paying!

OP the way you have communicated with the unreasonable posters here show me you are a considerate and thoughtful individual.

Some posters had me ready to go on the attack 😂 but you handled them with integrity and good grace

Your dd is lucky to have you as their mother.

Because they are extended family. Family lots of people don't even buy for. If OP wants to gift to those she should pay
Even when we started paying for our own gifts, gifts outside the immedient home family were brought by parents.

To everybody saying she needs to learn to not be spoilt.

i didn’t buy my parents presents until I had my own money as an adult. Am I selfish git who never buys anything to anybody and never say ‘thank you’? Erm, no. In fact, I’ve grown up to be a people pleaser who agonises over making sure everybody gets the same amount of raisins in their fruit loaf slice.

i think the people who say the child should buy presents for parents like receiving presents for themselves a tad too much and are trying to justify it.

Exactly this.

I'm so glad my mum spoke with me when I was behaving selfishly. You can tell the selfish adults had parents who never corrected them.

I think some people massively infantilise young teenagers and seem to think they're the same as 6 year olds. Then once they're 18 they're expected to be fully functioning adults.

By 13, female friendships are about as complex as they can get, and your DD would not do anything similar with her friends - trying to give the same gift years later would not be well received. 13 year olds would definitely expect suitably thoughtful gifts from each other.

I am curious though, OP. When you spoke with her did she tell you what she was thinking in doing it? Was it that she thought you'd like it or thought you wouldn't notice or what?

I think you've done the right thing. I have always hated buying presents and it makes me really anxious. My dad would never be happy with anything and even when I spent hours looking for books on his interests he'd just roll his eyes and scoff and tell me I shouldn't waste my money.

My mum was more polite when I was young but quickly made it clear that she didn't like any of the gifts I got her and would tell me exactly what to buy her every year.

I actually think that providing her with the budget, expecting her to put the thought in, guiding her on ideas and using moments like this as a teaching opportunity is doing her a kindness for the future.

I think you’ve handled it very well. Have a lovely time at the cinema together.

OP my 10 year old DD backs you on this! And she has her moments too…

I can see you acknowledge there may be some resentment over doing everything single-handedly for her that’s feeling your strength of feeling over this. But I think that feeling is justified as it is for many mums. Our society tells us we should put ourselves last. Thank god your standing up for yourself and educating your daughter that this is not right. It might be her one day who is made to feel unappreciated. Oh and happy birthday. 🎁🎂

There’s a sneakiness about it.

Yes, I think it was sneaky actually - you told her it could be a token present and she took the piss, you were right to call her out on it.

It's a bit "do you think I was born yesterday?" and obviously people don't like being made to feel like that which is why it was right to make it clear that it wasn't an ok thing to do.

There’s a sneakiness about it.

i wouldn’t have said that, just a little tactless perhaps.

I’m not meaning to be picky here. Probably the devil is in the detail, you can’t possibly put all the detail into a post, and you’ve probably already thought of this, but …

You say you “allocated a separate Christmas present budget pot by me which was intended to cover: me, her dad, my partner, my sister and her partner and the 3 or 4 school friends she had indicated she wanted to buy for.”

Are you sure she understood at the time that your birthday present was also supposed to be bought with that money?

I suppose people have very different approaches to parenting. I'm a bit Malory Towers in that I hope my children will be good sound people the world can lean on. Sometimes that does mean you have find a nice way to tell them no that behaviour isn't ok rather than letting them do whatever they want.

This. Very good reply.

But that's you - which is great. OP isn't you.

I didnt read the whole thread but I responded based on my personality

I’d never give my children money for them to buy presents for me. I give them money for them to buy whatever the hell they want

13 is quite old enough to understand what’s shitty and what isn’t. Making excuses and blaming OP for being a bit out out is just infantilising her and validating shitty behaviour.

But I still think regifting something you have found lying around the house when you have been given money explicitly for the purpose of buying presents is a bit of a pisstake. I’m not going to cry myself to sleep over it but I think I was right to call it out!

Well of course you were! Were you supposed to pretend it's OK - when would others think you should have told her - when she was 21? Part of bringing up a child includes allowing them to learn - and telling them if necessary, which in this case it was, - that something is just not on and that they are being selfish.