DD has regifted something to me for my birthday which has been lying around the house for 3 years

Firstly, I'd find out her train of thought. There could be more thought in it than you think.
After all, is the thought that counts.

If there wasn't much thought, or she sacrificed your present for someone else's, I'd explain how this is not ok to make someone feel inadequate to make another feel good.
I wouldn't make it about being annoyed about present. Remember she is only young x

Hope you're ok,

Hopefully she's just missed the point.

As a teen of that age, I remember looking for ways to skim money to buy things I shouldn't, like cigarettes and alcohol. Usually did this my pocketing my lunch money and skipping lunch though. Just keep a close eye amd make sure you know where the money is.

Some adults find it hard to budget, think of good gifts, get it delivered in time and wrapped for Xmas

And the ones that don’t find this hard: how do you think they learned?

That’s not gentle, that’s hostile

I still don’t quite get it.

These were things she had made, albeit some time ago. Had she given them to you already when she made them?

If she hadn’t actually given them to you at any point in the past then in your daughters eyes they were things that belonged to her, that she new you liked (so much so that you had one on your desk), so she thought you might like to own them.

If that’s the case then you might want to tread carefully. If she has given you something of hers, that she made, valued, and still owned, then it’s not a nice message to say that it’s not good enough as a gift.

Obviously if she has given you the item already, and is now just giving you the same thing again for a second time, that’s a different matter.

TLDR: things your daughter makes belong to her and are not “household possessions” unless she gives them away.

I agree that it’s a bit shitty. A 13 year old should be perfectly capable of making a card and buying a box of chocolates.

I think a gentle, “Can we talk about the birthday presents you gave me? How would you feel if for your birthday I gave you things that had been lying round the house for three years?”

Then maybe, “I’m feeling quite hurt and unappreciated right now. how do you think we can make this right?”

She’s old enough to start doing some thinking.

All my mum expected off me at 13 was a card and a cuddle. Though my dad would have provided me with money for a gift for her.

I think you were right to speak to her about it. It’s not like you were expecting a piece of high end jewellery but even a happy birthday hug, card or favourite bar of chocolate shows you’ve been thought of.

We were away one year as my birthday was in the Easter holidays. My husband asked if I wanted to open my gifts before we went I said no I’d rather take them and open on the day. On the day no one remembered to say happy birthday so at 5pm I did say “anyone going to remember it’s my birthday?”

I have never felt so unappreciated in my life

er…?

I don’t like the thought that my beloved only child is trying to get out of spending a bit of money on my birthday and thinks I am an idiot.

This reveals so much. You are projecting. You are overacting.

Yes, she could have been trying to squirrel some money away or she could be bad at budgeting, or she could have thought a homemade gift would be appreciated but decided to go the lazy route. She’s 13!

I think you’re putting on a lot of pressure on the kid to come up with birthday and Xmas gifts.

As kids we did buy gifts for our parents etc but the other parents was always with us when shopping. If they had just given us the cash and left us to it, we probably would have done the same! At this age she probably still needs an adult to help guide her- take her to the shops, help to remind her who to buy for, budgeting etc.

Yes this is a part of growing up and she needs to be taught. But this years lesson should have been you accepting the gift in the spirit of Christmas and next year, realise you still have work to do as a parent and teach her how to include everyone in the gift buying.

Now it’s just going to be an awkward trip to the cinema

I wouldn't be bothered by this but I'm not fussed about getting presents and regularly tell my kids to leave me out. That said, I have brought them up form a very young f she to be included in birthday and Christmas shopping for others so it became their norm. Perhaps you DD just didn't think of she hasn't been part of it ordinarily. I mean she could just be thoughtless, I don't know but there is a question of what has happened over previous years which could dictate how she behaves now.

I imagine she blew all the money on her friends and is panicking. She's 13. Let her get. I wouldn't expect a gift from my 13 year old.

I'm sorry - I was reserving judgement a bit but after your update I agree. You've put an emotional guilt trip on her and accused her of not caring about you. Your future birthdays are now going to be fraught with anxiety for her over getting it 'right' to your standards. I'm also baffled that you seem to be interpreting her actions as effectively malicious.

I think it's you who has some making up to do now.

I understand where you're coming from. It's not the value but more a lack of consideration and thought.

You're not wrong to feel hurt but teens can be brats to their parents ( and she is 13) so try not to let it get to you.

She's only 13 n prob not thinking straight

This is such a bullshit excuse 🤣

Possibly thoughtlessness, or maybe panic if she's overspent on the other presents and then realised she's blown her budget. Either way I think you should say something to her.

I remember being in a shop with my mum once when I was your DD's age. I was behind a rack so she couldn't see me, and I heard the counter lady ask her how she was - she recognised us as we went in quite often. Mum started crying and then apologised and said she was having a rubbish day because it was her birthday and nobody had remembered. The counter lady gave her a hug and a box of malteasers off the shelf. I was too embarrassed to say I'd heard, so came out round the other side of the rack. We went home and Mum never said a word, just that her hayfever was acting up but that the nice lady at the shop had given her some malteasers to say thank you for being a good customer.

I remember feeling so guilty and upset that I'd not realised it was her birthday, and I wished she'd said something to me. I always remembered her birthday after that and always gave her something, even when I was broke and it was only a bar of her favourite chocolate or some bubble bath that I know she liked. It made me realise that it's not about how much you spend, but the thought that you give - and that it's something that person will genuinely like even if it is only small.

I cannot believe you made this into a thing OP and actually spoke to her about it. She’s 13 for crying out loud.

Some adults find it hard to budget, think of good gifts, get it delivered in time and wrapped for Xmas.

I would have been proud to know that she had been putting effort into her Xmas gifts. Yes she fell short by regifting to you but in the Christmas spirit, a parent teaching their child, I would have let this go

If she had done this two/three years in a row, then that’s something else.

I think you’ve been a bit dramatic OP

Nice update OP. You were right to say something, she needs to know that wasn’t okay and it’s important to treat people with care. Typical teenager!

That's a great update. Understandable that she was defensive but good that she's apologised and is taking you out.

It's the sort of thing that a 4 year old might do, not a 13 year old. I would have been happy with a home made present from my dd but not if she'd found something that had been sitting around the house for ages and wrapped that up.

I'm sure that she will appreciate being gifted her school uniform as her Christmas gift

Have you tried a parenting course for teens?

I am very easy going about gifts - handmade from my child is lovely, secondhand is lovely, I don't care about money spent, wrapping or cards. I would understand if a kid ran out of money. But I do care about thought and consideration. I am afraid that I would say something to my kid if she presented me or DH with stuff that she made 3 years ago that had already been sitting on my desk. The money is one thing, the lack of time and thought is a different issue. And I absolutely would have known this was not acceptable at 13.