He’s cancelled our Christmas - what can I do?

@Birdofpain . i'm so sorry this is where your at. For what its worth..I believe you. All youve said.I lived this. Nothing close to protect\focus on child.absolute they do not deal in facts.and yup...they repeatedly point out...you come across kinda manic-very emotionaly charged- (when -seperated from child -barely thrown crumbs re contact etc.branded hystericl.deranged -aye-they absolutely do. ..Despite masses of actual evidence support all you say. they all ENFORCE child to stay with abuser.
i believe you.
are you in uk? Do you have advocacy?

im gony read what else is be said n come back.
but 1st. I cant scroll by quietly @MartinCrieffsLemon . "I'd quite like to know the backstory which allowed an abusive man to have main custody
I thought the mother was usually more favoured for that
Which would make me think substance abuse may be a part of the backstory?
You're also in another country but want contact, a man would be slaughtered on here for daring to leave his chilfd like that"

Cant let it slide.with respect - Thats horrific,condesending at best - "id quite like to know".." I thought the mother".. "make me think substance.." First 2 could put down t absolutely no concept \empty...make you think looks like a absolute liabilty..gtiven resulted in unjustified insult.
i dnt think/culd be wrong said she in alt country.was go for xmas day.
want contact ?? it waas in plce.HE cancelled. ALL bad enough- the man be slaughtered.nothin to compare-- so damaging

Could you not later this morning contact child services and explain what he's done, and see how they can support? I don't know much about how this works, though - which is why I really think you should start by calling women's aid. Refuge is also amazing. And the National Domestic Abuse helpline.

You HAVE to raise this. You have to contact Women's Aid but also find your local domestic abuse service. You need to have a case worker. You need support to sort this out.
I don't know what kind of kangaroo court and set up you've been through. It sounds unbelievably derelict. You MUST lodge a formal complaint against the person who wrote a negative report about you having never even met you.
You MUST get support.

You haven't told us here the backstory. As to why custody of then 3 year old child was awarded to the father. I understand that supervised meetings weren't set up, so presumably then there was no concern about you being with your son. But as to frequency and access, it was going to be left to the father to allow you 'reasonable contact'. This seems practically delinquent on the part of the judge. How on earth, in a situation of conflict, could one parent be given all the power like that? Extraordinary.

I am worried, OP, as to what happened that meant the judge thought the father should have all the power. And worried as to why people are writing negative reports about you. You need to address this I feel. So you need support to do this.

I agree.

#Ibelieveyou doesnt (or shouldnt) just apply to rape and sexual assault but to all abuse of women. I had a broken dislocated finger, a smashed up face and could barely speak thanks to attempted strangulation, but I was only not arrested for scratching my ex's face during his assault on me after I got told, very sternly, that I shouldnt have "attacked him back" and I was lucky that they were being lenient because my kids were in the house. I was defending myself!

How many men have we all met with the "psycho ex"? And another, and another. Yet very few people wonder about who is the common denominator. Up until we ourselves become the latest psycho ex......

Sometimes, courts would rather give a child to an abusive father than an imperfect mother.

So sadly true.

As we know, the bare minimum from a man makes him a hero, one error from the mother makes her a villain.

We can only provide advice by taking what she has said at face value.

In the recent Sara Sharif case, Sara was given to her father despite evidence of his history of severe domestic violence.

The reason, according to Sara's mother, was that she had smacked Sara's bottom for exposing herself to a teenager. She could only have been 6 years old at the time, indicating bad parenting on the mother's part - reacting to signs of possible sexual abuse with a smack is awful. However, it is ignorance rather than malice.

Either way, the authorities ignored evidence of Urfan Sharif's much more severe behaviour.

Sometimes, courts would rather give a child to an abusive father than an imperfect mother.

I am therefore willing to overlook OP skimming over her part in what led to her child's removal, as she knows she will just get judgement from Mumsnet and not the practical advice she is seeking for the situation now.

That's why in threads like this I try to just offer neutral advice.

This sums it up, op yes this is obvious but this is all just your version

OP you need specialist legal advice, you're unlikely to get it here. Have you tried Rights of Women?

This is Mums net, it is not for males thank you. Go grind your mysogynistic axe elsewhere Martin

I'm am so sorry OP - stories like yours are exactly why family courts should not be secret.

This is how society is allowed to get away with promoting the myth that women are favoured in family courts (hello Fathers4Justice), when in fact studies show the opposite is true. The unfairness you've experienced is misogyny.

What you've said here:
My experience in court was unlike anything I could even comprehend and in that way I feel conditioned to believe that he is right and anything he says is believed without me even being asked. I’m scare that this will happen again, his criminal record ignored, his positive drug test ignored, his everything ignored and things that he says with no evidence that aren’t true that I have evidence to prove it’s untrue aren’t even seeing the light of day. I clam up under pressure, he is perfectly calm and very very authoritative whereas I cry and then look crazy.

is unfortunately quite common, and is how domestic abusers get their own way. They are often capable of making themselves look very good, while reducing their opponent to looking like a gibbering fool in their shadow.

Without outside judgment to rein them in, some judges are perfectly happy to flippantly act on emotion and superficial impressions rather than actual evidence. Usually women suffer.

In terms of solutions, you will have to contact Women's Aid for advice. I would say he is continuing to abuse you remotely via coercive and controlling behaviour, which is surely a crime? The only thing I can think of doing is reporting him to the police for this, and also making an emergency social services report.

I’ve been on MN for donkeys years. At no point have I ever seen a non resident parent criticised for going on holiday at a point when they don’t have contact with their child.

I’d imagine that the responses generally might be different if the OP was a man but there is probably a reason for that as others have touched on. Namely domestic abuse.

Theres probably nothing you can do about Christmas BUT he has provided you with a raft of evidence that he is controlling and not acting in your son's best interests. Contact womens aide who will be able to recommend an experienced lawyer. All lawyers are not equal.

I disagree. If a man couldnt see his kids over Xmas and decided to go away with his parents abroad rather than sit home alone and then be back for what the OP calls their "mini Xmas", then the mother cancelled for spurious reasons, then she would be taken to pieces on here. "AIBU to cancel ex's time with DS over Xmas because he didnt answer my texts immediately?" Can you imagine?!

No one going on holiday during a period when they were not due to have their kids would be told that they were wrong. I go away one week every year during the week my DD is with her dad. Is that wrong? No.

contact womens aid asap

Do you all not have the equivalent of what we have in the US called a guardian ad litem? You need to get an attorney and get a guardian ad litem appointed.

Sara Sharif’s father was given custody of his dc. The authorities don’t always get it right.

Also, make sure you back all the evidence up by taking sceern shots and sending to a friend to store just incase he gets rid of the app. Print everything out, file it all in date order. This man will lie through his teeth in court, show just how controlling and obnoxious this excuse for a human being really is. Xx

If you can afford legal advice, then finding a lawyer with specific experience of this type of abuse (and it is abuse of both you and your son) is worth the effort as it can make a big difference to your outcome. When you have escaped they want to find any way they can to keep abusing you, and this is his method of choice. As I said, he really doesnt care about your son as anything other than a weapon to hurt you with. Hurting you is the only thing that matters to him.

If not then there are many women who self represented against similarly abusive men and won. @theformidableMrsC did it many times over her divorce from her utter arse of an ex and his appalling OW to the point where they were no longer allowed to take her to court. She is very supportive of other women who need to do the same, and she isnt the only one. It can be done.

The level of control this man is asserting over you and your son is totally abhorrent and abusive to both you and you son ( but you already know this). I suspect he was cohesive and controlling during your relationship with him. Was this flagged at the time? If he has a proven history of it, this should go in your favour. He clearly does not have your son's best interests at heart, this also goes in your favour. He is denying you reasonable contact - a no no. Get him to court and apply for joint custody!! Gather ALL the evidence you can, once a judge hears how totally unreasonable he is, he won't have a leg to stand on.
Good luck xx