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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

He’s cancelled our Christmas - what can I do?

238 replies

Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 02:00

There is a child arrangement order with my abusive ex who is ‘resident’ parent. I have initiated court but for a without notice so he won’t know as he’d stop contact. It’s a whopper of a backstory but not relevant now. The order was that he’d make my son available for ‘reasonable time’ with me. Of course that’s literally as little as possible. My son is really suffering as he wants to be with me. Come home or at least spend more than 5 hours a week with me. I’ve tried everything, mediation galore, you name it. He won’t engage. Behind the scenes I’m organising medical evidence proving he made me physically unwell via the DV. That will take a bit more time. So I fed back to my sons safeguarding lead some concerns I had and they raised it as a safeguarding flag (I don’t know what this means?) and he has hit the roof via the parent app. He has told me that from now on I won’t see my son. I have to find and pay for a mediator but he has to approve and have final say. He’s cancelled our planned Christmas together whereby I was going to have my very first overnight in two years, something my son is desperate for. He’s only five. Last year I wasn’t allowed to wish him merry Christmas. Or happy birthday. I can’t go to the school for events. I had to do a SARS for his medical records. I am with family abroad this Christmas Day and a zoom was organised for my parents and my son and me obviously, our Xmas was being celebrated when I returned. He’s told my son I have a ‘bug’ and I’m banned from joining in the zoom call on Christmas Day. My second Christmas without any contact. I haven’t a clue how long the court will take, it’s been about five weeks since I applied marking if urgent. The little time we have together we always have an amazing time, we are like peas in a pod, he never wants to leave me and he’s told every professional going what he wants - me. But ex won’t move at all. Up until recently he had me supervised for one hour a week for well over a year. The social worked just said they can’t make him do anything and my only option is court. They can say I’m no risk and it’s best for my son but if he won’t listen they can’t get involved. This is going to devastate my son. He’s finally gotten into our new routine of our 5 hours a week being at his home with me and now it’s been completely stopped meaning tomorrow and Xmas ever I now won’t see him. Our 2nd January ‘mini Xmas’ and ‘sleepover’ is cancelled. I don’t know when I’ll see him again. I just want to scoop him up and keep him for the knowledge of the impending catastrophic emotional damage that he’s going to be experiencing in the coming day, on top of an already deeply traumatised 18 months. He is looking for any reason to block contact. If I don’t feed my son at the exact time ex insists I do. So many micro rules. If I don’t reply to a non urgent message fast enough he will bombard the app with 24 messages I had over only 2 days last week! I was in a total state of trauma looping and anxiety I couldn’t even open them and had a friend do it. He said no contact until I had read and responded and if he felt it was an acceptable response contact could go ahead but he demands that I check the app twice a day every day or contact will stop. My experience in court was unlike anything I could even comprehend and in that way I feel conditioned to believe that he is right and anything he says is believed without me even being asked. I’m scare that this will happen again, his criminal record ignored, his positive drug test ignored, his everything ignored and things that he says with no evidence that aren’t true that I have evidence to prove it’s untrue aren’t even seeing the light of day. I clam up under pressure, he is perfectly calm and very very authoritative whereas I cry and then look crazy. I’m asking for some outside non conditioned brains and opines on what I should do, would I be unreasonable to make a further urgent emergency app to court on Monday to stop this awful man severing my son and I for god knows how long?

OP posts:
Birdofpain · 23/12/2024 16:08

Those links are amazing! Well in answer to appeal, for some reason my barrister went down another legal issue and I didn’t get permission to appeal. I’m hoping that this time I will make damn sure I meet the guardian and have one who understands what I’ve been through and won’t judge me as paranoid and projecting / misunderstanding ‘tough love’. Seriously. So anyway he had a client in a similar situation who began a legal blog anonymously called ‘surviving safeguarding’. I loop and loop and loop all day long and I am trapped on this cycle of not understanding how a system can fail a family for the simple reason of are covering and a personality clash. I used to have so much faith in social workers. So did my parents. And friends, and any professional out with this nightmare who have been gobsmacked. The only intervention I did was called VIG after the fact and she told me my case kept her up at night. I saw my MP last week and she said that they shut down them too. So I asked well aren’t the local authorities accountable to the government? She isn’t sure. So I think maybe writing an anonymous blog with my full story on it so you can read it that way? I’m neurodivergent so that too sealed my fate. What I don’t understand is how it happened. That nobody involved in my life or my care was spoken to. That I wasn’t assessed or observed. That they can literally fabricate things. An example would be that (and this isn’t true just trying to find an analogy) say my son was born with a birthmark that looked like a nasty bruise. I would be accused of harming him but I would provide the medical records stating my son was born with a birthmark. I would even circulate this in court. Yet the social worker went on to give a ranting overture about how I had caused this bruise from negligence. I mean how can you wrap your head around that? Practice direction 12J was entirely ignored. Judge deferred to the sw who hadn’t assessed me, written falsely id been charged (!!!!) didn’t have sight of the police disclosure which was initiated so late it was of no use in court, wrote that I am the perpetrator by way of projecting onto this poor man that he was only trying to help me

OP posts:
Treesinthewind · 23/12/2024 13:30

And this one: x.com/elizabeth_gra35?s=21
You are not alone.

Treesinthewind · 23/12/2024 13:27

This lady and organisation might be able to help:

https://x.com/centrewj?s=21

https://x.com/nataliepagee_?s=21

Treesinthewind · 23/12/2024 13:22

I believe you.
Those who naively think that "good" mothers never have their rights taken away must have never gone through the family courts or been friends with someone who has.
Abuse wears women down so, so much that they will agree to anything their partner/ex says. And these men can be incredibly persuasive to judges/CAFCASS etc.
Women who have had substance issues or mental health difficulties are especially likely to be caught by this.

Tandora · 22/12/2024 19:24

I’m so sorry and I believe you @Birdofpain

tolerable · 22/12/2024 18:35

@Birdofpain .
I believe you. Absolutely.
going public most probli best avoided. I don't want hijack post/details of us. Same scene, history, evidence should AV = protect my child.
where u at.you can private message on here. I.ll go check how

harriethoyle · 22/12/2024 18:31

Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 17:26

I’d love to ask you in private if you have been a social worker as I can’t get any answers anywhere and I don’t understand how this could happen on no evidence!!!!!!! It’s terrifying & should terrify you all. I am fully prepared to go public and make a scene but I have to exhaust the legal channels first.

Why didn’t you appeal the original decision if you want to exhaust the legal channels?

Ladyoatcookies · 22/12/2024 18:03

OP If you want to reply to someone / a specific post you can hit quote or tag them like this @Birdofpain

Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 17:37

It’s true. All I say is true. I want to tell you all the full story but I’m too scared of being outed and the consequences of this. If I am wrong or misunderstood I would be so so so so thankful for you wise ladies to point it out so that I can change. My psych assessment said no mental health other than the trauma. No criminal record. No substance abuse. I didn’t stand a chance. I was only asked a few questions on WhatsApp by the sw for my ‘assessment’. No hoops to jump. I have an email whereby I’m begging the sw to work with me, tell me what I need to do, what have I done that’s so bad this has to be the course of action? They told me they won’t reply to any emails. Throughout they said I could complain after court, when I did they told me they won’t even look at the complaint as far as they are concerned I had t chance in court. But I didn’t have any kind of chance at all, it needs to be public knowledge so that this cannot happen to any other woman and child again.

OP posts:
InkHeart2024 · 22/12/2024 17:35

Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 17:28

I do, but I’m paralysed by it all. I need someone to help me do this, but advocates are thin on the ground and I feel it would take someone extraordinarily invested in pursuing the truth and god knows who would want to fight on my behalf. I will fight for the next mother that’s for sure. I have asked my MP ‘who holds social services to account’ and they don’t know / or don’t know yet

You talk about social services but isn't it cafcass who have recommended your son lives with his father with minimal contact?

Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 17:28

I do, but I’m paralysed by it all. I need someone to help me do this, but advocates are thin on the ground and I feel it would take someone extraordinarily invested in pursuing the truth and god knows who would want to fight on my behalf. I will fight for the next mother that’s for sure. I have asked my MP ‘who holds social services to account’ and they don’t know / or don’t know yet

OP posts:
Plastictrees · 22/12/2024 17:28

OP, either use the ‘quote’ function or @ people so that the poster can read your response.

Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 17:26

Yes, that is what it was

OP posts:
Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 17:26

I’d love to ask you in private if you have been a social worker as I can’t get any answers anywhere and I don’t understand how this could happen on no evidence!!!!!!! It’s terrifying & should terrify you all. I am fully prepared to go public and make a scene but I have to exhaust the legal channels first.

OP posts:
Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 17:24

Yes I am, I gave birth to my son when ex was industry for assault. This is why I cannot understand anything.

OP posts:
Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 17:23

I’m only going to Wales. And I fought very hard for my son to come too as his grandmother is end of life and wants to see him before she dies. Son wants to go. He’s said no.

OP posts:
Birdofpain · 22/12/2024 17:20

I would dearly love to share, I really would, but I can’t take the risk that I wouldn’t be outed. I have no socials now because these always find me and screen grab and twist it and it’s also really disconcerting to know I’m being watched. I don’t know how they do it as I name change, location change but still they do

OP posts:
IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 22/12/2024 17:00

Tandora · 22/12/2024 14:05

It was picked as an example of an accusation that would be patently absurd and easy to debunk.

It's still not a metaphor. It's a bizzare example of a false accusation.

Tandora · 22/12/2024 14:05

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 22/12/2024 13:56

It isn't a metaphor. It's a false proposition or an absurd proposition.

It's a bizarre example to pick.

It was picked as an example of an accusation that would be patently absurd and easy to debunk.

IHaveNeverLivedintheCastle · 22/12/2024 13:56

MrsSlocombesCat · 22/12/2024 13:15

FFS it was a metaphor. I can't believe people can be this stupid.

It isn't a metaphor. It's a false proposition or an absurd proposition.

It's a bizarre example to pick.

Tandora · 22/12/2024 13:38

Katypp · 22/12/2024 12:52

Well obviously you know this but are trying to make some sort of point?
Please explain.

No I don’t know, why would I know? I was wondering who you were referring to other than yourself?

Plastictrees · 22/12/2024 13:22

@Merrychristmastome1 I am so sorry to hear this. He sounds a nasty piece of work. Honestly his pseudo diagnosis of you is worth absolutely nothing, there are plenty of professionals like me who can see right through it. But I can understand how scared you must be as he sounds psychologically abusive. Have you got anyone you can confide in IRL? Could you contact Women’s Aid? Please don’t feel you have to live like this. You can be free. You deserve more.

Merrychristmastome1 · 22/12/2024 13:16

Plastictrees · 22/12/2024 13:11

@Katypp I don’t think you understand misogyny, or have experience with the family courts. I am an expert witness who often works in this context, usually I am instructed to write reports for women who have been gaslighted and manipulated by their male ex partner as being ‘crazy’, ‘unstable’, ‘mentally ill’ etc when actually their ex was abusive. This behaviour is ubiquitous in the family courts. Labels of ‘personality disorder’ are put on abused women to pathologise them and attempt to discredit their case. There is absolutely a problem with misogyny in the family court system and many other systems, such as the police and healthcare. This is precisely what misogyny is - systemic bias against women. If you can’t see it, it’s because you’ve normalised it or you are wilfully blind.

This is my current experience in my relationship. My partner told everyone his ex had personality disorder. I apparently have personality disorder too. I honestly couldn't even verbalise the trauma of the psychological abuse and the thought of leaving and having him further destroy me just makes me scared to leave.

MrsSlocombesCat · 22/12/2024 13:15

JollyHollyMe · 22/12/2024 09:12

The op has a long post as part of this thread about allegations as to wether or not they have a penis
i didn’t bring it up - the op did

FFS it was a metaphor. I can't believe people can be this stupid.

Plastictrees · 22/12/2024 13:11

@Katypp I don’t think you understand misogyny, or have experience with the family courts. I am an expert witness who often works in this context, usually I am instructed to write reports for women who have been gaslighted and manipulated by their male ex partner as being ‘crazy’, ‘unstable’, ‘mentally ill’ etc when actually their ex was abusive. This behaviour is ubiquitous in the family courts. Labels of ‘personality disorder’ are put on abused women to pathologise them and attempt to discredit their case. There is absolutely a problem with misogyny in the family court system and many other systems, such as the police and healthcare. This is precisely what misogyny is - systemic bias against women. If you can’t see it, it’s because you’ve normalised it or you are wilfully blind.