Do I police my sons friends phone usage at my house?

No you can't police another child's phone use. You sound unhinged!

That's really horrible....have some fucking sensitivity, he's only 12.

It's attitudes like yours that feed the men's mental health problem we have in this country, not allowing boys to show any vulnerability.

Luckily never had this problem but I would be same - no phone , or no sleep over ...

I wish more parents would actually parent this way.

When my 12yo has friends round, I collect in all the phones the minute they walk through the door - as someone already said, there's nothing they can do overnight that they can't do during the day.

I leave the phones in a box in the kitchen, easily accessible if they need to call/text a parent. And I would leave the box right outside the bedroom door if they were particularly anxious.

FWIW I'm a teacher. Safeguarding is literally at the heart of everything we do.

If the kid is that anxious without a phone I'd suggest the permissive parenting and unhindered phone access will have something to do with that level of anxiety. Getting a child addicted to their smartphones is only going to compound whatever issue came before.

Sorry, but it’s not a 1990s Nokia is it? It has the internet. And a camera.
And if I was a kid who really wanted my phone to stay up have the night scrolling TikTok and playing Roblox or whatever that certainly ain’t what I would tell my parents. I would say, it’s in case I need you, it’s to feel safe.
What parent would fall for that.
But if that child isn’t able to leave his phone in another room for the night, then that child shouldn’t be in sleepovers.

Whether it’s a boy or a girl makes NO difference.

Couldn't agree more.

Some of the replies are really disheartening. I assumed we all wanted to protect our children from the dangers of smartphone/social media use. Seems I was wrong.

Christ. Having a phone is NOT helping this kid. I can share many stories of some of the stupid things kids have done on sleepovers using their phones… friends kids, not ours. In one instance the police were involved. In another there was massive fallout with the parents friendship group over messages that had been send in the middle of the night.

We can’t trust teens and children to self regulate, they’re literally programmed not to - then throw smart phones with access to the internet, video calling and cameras into the mix… the number of times I’ve heard parents say ‘ but it so out of character for him/her to do that, we never thought that the would - fill in the blank- etc’

Is this a joke? He is only a baby comparatively, in someone else's house where the rules are different. All he wanted to do was to be able to contact his mum. Not watch porn or use OPs credit card details to book holidays, just text his mum. People like you are the reason boys are afraid to have feelings. It isn't "wet" at that age to want to check in with your mum or Dad when you are always from home. FFS.

I'm in two minds as whilst I can see why you worry, I found that teaching children to manage limits themselves was far more effective. I didn't remove my dc's phones, they had basic phones until 13 then smartphones but we had rules on not using them at night and I never actually caught them breaking that. Same with tablets and laptops, no using at night, and they had had tablets younger. Not sure if I just got lucky with compliant children but I explained about things and they accepted with draconian measures

My daughter has a codeword to text me if she feels uncomfortable at anytime because that can happen with friends or family that she has always been happy with. Thankfully she rarely goes to sleepovers but if she does I want to know she can contact me. Not sure how one night of allowing a phone is so bad? Why does keeping the phone downstairs mean they won't see anything bad on the internet that they could've seen in the afternoon??? Or am I missing something? I have all the settings on the WiFi and 5g set accordingly and as many parent and family restrictions I can do to limit issues. Each to their own, thankfully my DD isn't obsessed with her phone.

Your house your rules. I'd expect your child to have told their friend that phones aren't allowed after lights out. Seems sensible to me. And if parents don't like that then they can chose not to allow the sleepover.

Unlimited phone access and in therapy at age 12. I would put money on the two things being connected. This is the anxious generation. It's not the lockdowns. It's phones.

You're doing the right thing OP. Stick to your boundaries and protect your child.

It's his property he should have his phone if he wants. Tbh I would have let your son have his as a treat.

And if he has 4g he will still be able to access the internet!

Have we as a society really become this reliant on phones? Some of these responses are insane. If you feel your child needs to be able to message you in the night then why are you trusting the parents to look after them? Surely people don't let their kids go to sleepovers unless they already know the parents pretty well?!

Is the child genuinely anxious or is it the go to line they reel off to be able to hold on to their phone? And if they are that anxious then perhaps shouldn't be doing sleepovers anyway.

Of course phones should stay downstairs at night at that age! I think some of you need to open your eyes to what kids are seeing on their phones despite parents thinking they have all the safety measures in place.

Phones are making children anxious!!! The evidence is piling up. Take them away.

nope. I’m not taking anyone’s phone ‘off’ them - they can go an get it if they need it.
Your child shouldn’t be anywhere overnight that they don’t feel like they can either ask the parents to contact you or ask their friends to ask the parents anyway.

If my child is at a sleepover I would not be happy if she didn't have her phone so she can message me if she is uncomfortable. She has a daily limit and down time on her phone so no need to leave downstairs on a night. Far easier than turning the WiFi off! I'd definitely relax rules at a sleepover. It's one night.

It's interesting that having your phone attached to you at 12, is being seen as a solution to anxiety rather than the cause.

If a child is overwhelmed by walking to the hallway to get his phone, if he "needed" to, then he has no business staying anywhere and the parents need to be stepping up and sorting it out.

Kindly, if a child is so anxious/has a tricky background their parent would be unreasonable NOT to explain this in advance to the parent responsible at a sleepover.

Or that child should maybe not have sleepovers while they’re anxious away from their mum (which is fine, sleepovers are not the be all and end all).

Our house our rules! We make them leave their phones downstairs in the kitchen. We tell the kids that they can go and get them if they need to contact parents or anything but they are to stay downstairs.
Never had any fuss with that - they know they can get the phone.
No good can come of leaving phones overnight with kids…

I would have kept this as one of the conditions for staying but told parents in advance. Do it for nxt time. I'm with u no phones at night . I'm a teacher and have seen pupil tiredness, to the point of actually falling asleep escalate out of all proportion

I think the ship has sailed in terms of some children being allowed unrestricted access to the internet. Some parents are under the delusion that a phone keeps them safe, when it's quite the opposite. Kids are seeing all kinds of things they shouldn't, some parents are just pretending it isn't happening.
When my nephews stay over they leave their phones downstairs when they go to bed. I've no idea what their parents think, I haven't asked them. 12 year old boys aren't having unsupervised access to the internet on my watch.

We apply our house rules on devices, which is that they go on the docking station in the living area during breakfast/dinner and at bedtime (yes, we extend bedtime for sleepovers and after that as long as they’re quiet they can stay up and chat, play on the switch or watch a movie). Kids have access to them if something is wrong - they’re not locked away and frankly if they’re motivated they could go out and get them after DH and I are in bed. But I do believe having them out of rooms in general is a net positive for both safeguarding and friendships. I don’t ever frame this as policing another child’s phone use, it’s just us having household rules and expecting young guests to respect them along with our DC. We have a pretty steady stream of day guests & sleepovers I’ve never had pushback from parents or any significant angst from the kids when presented that way in advance.