Family holiday - in laws offended they aren’t invited

It’s also manners not to give in order to receive, gifts should need to be repaid or they’re not truly a gift but a loan.

It's just manners really.

So now you can afford a holiday, you're still accepting a free holiday from them? Pay your own way.

As I said in my first post no doubt the GPs will continue because they want to see their grandchildren.

I would hope the OP and DH contribute more to the joint holiday in future. Take out the sting a bit

Then the only remedy for OP is to never again accept the offer of going on a paid for holiday with her PILs. She can then go on holiday with her DH and her kids with a clear conscience. This will mean that her PILs will never get to go on holiday with their grandchildren again, but in your mind, that will be fair.

I would also assume that they also paid for SIL's holiday with them as why would her PILs pay for their son and family to go but not their daughter.

YANBU.

If you don’t break the cycle you will be stuck on this in-law holiday arrangement for years to come. Stay firm in the stance that this is your nuclear family holiday.

@TammyBundleballs because even though my ILs can occasionally drive me a bit nuts, I can't overstate the amount of joy they've got out of spending time on holiday with my kids over the years (and vice versa). That grandparent/grandchild relationship has been really special, and still is, even now my kids are older teens.

If the OP's ILs are anything like mine (and I suspect they might be), then there is absolutely no way they would accept a paid holiday from us - they won't even accept a contribution to the ones they've booked. It's a big struggle to get them to accept a meal out or a shopping delivery. Their attitude is that the money they're spending is ultimately our inheritance anyway (their words not mine!), so it's stupid for us to buy holidays for them rather than them spend money that we'd otherwise be paying inheritance tax on one day. So even if we booked a holiday and invited them, they'd absolutely refuse for us to pay for them. Doesn't mean we need to accept the holidays they pay for, of course - we could just not go - but that's the thing they would find really hurtful.

As OP has said, what they really want is time with their grandchildren. Which is of course fine, and they've been able to spend lots of really lovely time with our kids over the years - but luckily they do also realise that we want to have own holidays as a family unit as well. The exact boundary hasn't always been easy to draw tbh - but you just have to try to do it sensitively. It sounds like the OP's ILs have taken it a step further and don't want to miss out on ANY of the GCs' holiday experiences. That's why I think the OP and her DH have to be sensitive but firm now.

A salutary lesson in why you should never go on holiday with extended family. I have no idea why people even contemplate it.

OP is going on holiday with the in-laws as well as going away without them. Does SiL go on holiday without them? YANBU, you should be able to go on holiday without your in-laws- having their grandchild does not entitle them to always go away with you.

Now that you and your husband can afford your pay for your own holidays , stop accepting free holidays .

Don't think people have missed it. OP is still accepting her free holiday from the in-laws.

Nuclear families need time alone. Holidays alone. Without in laws.

Very nice of the in laws to take them away. But I don't see why this family should have holiday with them every time. No way.

I wonder if the in laws went on holiday with their own pils?

My ex in laws were so needy and always wanted to come on holiday with us. But they would never ever go on holiday with their own pil. In fact they struggled to invite them to family occasions and would often lie about the occasion to exclude their pil.

Hang on, I wonder if people have missed that OP's family ARE going on holiday with the in laws next year - they are just going on an additional holiday on their own as well.

It's lovely of them to take you on hols - however surely one holiday with the grandparents per year is plenty!

I think YANBU.

No doubt for the last 8 years they have enjoyed the planning of it all with you, as well as the time spent with you all and they no doubt look forward to that each year. After 8 years it’s become a pattern which has suddenly been disrupted- with no warning maybe?

OP, did you spring this news on them or did you keep them up to date about your excitement at maybe being able to do it on your own financially, this year without their help.

I feel that if they are kept in the loop about your thinking and planning from the beginning and you have that open understanding between you, it saves this sort of heartache for them of feeling suddenly no longer needed and cast aside.
eg something like …..one day we hope we can afford a little holiday to experience just the four of us going ..not that we don’t love you and value your help of course, you’ve been so generous, but just to feel we can at last be financially independent would be so nice’

Personally, I’d be so happy if my family reached that milestone themselves if I’d known that was what they were working towards. It’s all a matter of communication really I think

YANBU in planning and wanting your own nuclear family holiday of course, but the consideration you give to your in-laws after 8 years of accepting their help is very important.

I changed my vote......
I do understand you would want to go alone- but I don't think you should expect to keep going on trips that they pay for after this, or be surprised when they stop offering. I think paying your own way on the shared trips should have come first, if I was them I'd be feeling pretty used.
It's an awkward situation, but could have been handled better. change the dynamic by paying you'd own way and having input on the choosing and booking. Book something very different so its not like you are doing the same holiday but excluding them.

I said why in the response. It’s about the taking not necessarily the holiday itself. There’s no suggestion that SIL has had her holidays paid for. The OP and DH have been going on holidays with them because it was paid for and as soon as they can afford to have their own holiday they don’t want to go on holiday with them. It’s really not difficult to comprehend the other POV.

This.But I do understand your position of just wanting immediate family too OP. Could you maybe pay for a weekend away for you all and then have the holiday that you want as well.

Oh in that case YANBU. I thought you’d booked your holiday INSTEAD- but you’re doing this in addition to the family holiday?

In which case they are being ridiculous. You of course should be allowed to go on holiday when you like.

Are you sure they are definitely put out? Seems SO unreasonable. If they are - ignore them.

I understand you wanting to go without them but at the same time it does seem like you're happy to go on holiday with them when they pay but when you can afford it you don't want them there. Of course they are going to be hurt.

I think it’s this. It does make it feel like you’ve been accepting a free holiday with them all these years but the first opportunity you have to book a holiday of your choice you’ve chosen to exclude them.

I think they are probably hurt rather than angry or put out. I can see it from both sides but if I were your in-laws I’d find it really hard not to take it personally and be hurt.

So SIL goes on these trips with your in-laws, her parents presumably, on the same terms but she is allowed to holiday without them without them being “hurt”!

The difference has to be the grandchildren then and them enjoying spending time with them on holiday is nice and understandable but when they push that to trying to prevent you ever holidaying without them and denying you the experience of holidaying just mum, dad and children, then they are just being selfish and not very nice. Did they never holiday with their children without your DH’s paternal grandparents joining them?

Why would you feel hurt? So because you have previously offered and paid for holidays with your children and grandchildren, your children should never be allowed to have a holiday with just their own nuclear family without you? That sounds so suffocating and needy.

Her in laws go on holiday without them and her SIL has holidays with her parents and without them. It's only OP and her DH that aren't allowed to do that because they have the only grandchildren. Her PILs are being very unreasonable.

If you're going on a separate holiday with them anyway I think they are being unreasonable.

Can you have a calm conversation with them? Or if not, you and DH write a letter? Explain that you’ve had fantastic holidays with them in the past and are extremely grateful, and hope to holiday with them again sometimes in the future, but you have never had a holiday with just you DH and DC and you’re sure they’ll understand that you would like to do that for your next holiday.