In-laws "tidying up" - maddening!

My exFIL used to want to help and always wanted to paint. He was not skilled at painting. After the mess he made of the first room (little prep, smears of wall colour on ceiling and vice versa) he was asked to paint fences. This looked better but on closer inspection the plants closest to the fence were generously splattered with paint and several plants had been trampled on (including a new one we'd paid a lot of money for and had asked him to be careful around it).

He was convinced he'd been helpful despite the time and money needed to rectify the issues he'd created. He laughed off the damage as he didn't have a problem with it.

Yes!

Helpful is at least bloody asking the host if they would like help and where things go or even pay attention to the set-up seen. I’ve been going to my in-laws for over 10 years and we live 5 hours away. I know where things go and put them away just by asking and observing. If I’m unsure about anything, I simply ASK because it isn’t my home and I know people have their own way of doing things.

TBH, I actually rather have those that do little or at least listen to me when I say just leave xyz there instead of ignoring me and cleaning up which involves me having to redo, re-clean, look for things, and put things back where they actually go.

The only one who actually listens out of both my DH’s side and my side is my dad. My mum will fuss at him and moan about him leaving things there even though I have said to.

It’s more work for me when people help than if they leave it. As long as they put their rubbish in the bin and leave bathrooms tidy, I’m happy.

It's when it's small things all the time. So a simple task Eva uo being bloody frustrating. Nothing being where you keep it. If you don't see how very irritating and rage inducing this could become then you are a much more patient person than the OP or I am 👏

Would also be nice if people realised that being nice and helping is about the recipient. It's not about making yourself feel good.
If you buy a gift for someone you like but they wouldn't like, or if you clean up terribly because it makes you feel virtuous or helpful even though you have been told it creates more work and annoyance for the recipient then you've made it all about you. That's not helping.

Just what the OP needs: another job to do. Read their minds to figure out what they might decide to put in the wrong place and make a long list of where every single item in the house lives.

Of course, OP, I can't believe you didn't think of this!

Send them to me!! I love a tidy upper..

Better than my in laws who used to sit on their stupid arses and demand cups of tea, wait to be served food and even in the middle of "helping" us move house asked me what was for lunch.

I'd rather annoying helpful versions instead of lazy ones.

OMG!!! Are you me? Did I write this thread? Lol...

My MIL does this even worse is, she likes to tidy up and move entire shelves of stuff around in my cupboards because she thinks things should be 'over here' or 'over there' as its more convenient. ( for who I wonder, since she doesn't live with me). I feel you. Its extremely frustrating.

But you don't know they've put it in the wrong place until you can't find it three days later, by which time they have forgotten where they put it or deny all knowledge of it.

They are not helping, and if they keep doing it after being told not to, then their intentions are not good.

I had to ask a neighbour friend to feed & walk my dogs for a few days in an emergency. I knew she had a tendency to interfere with things so I very, very clearly said that I didn't want her to do anything other than look after the pets and I knew the place was a mess because I left in a hurry but don't touch anything and I will deal with it when I get back.

She ignored me, broke and chipped crockery washing up and threw out something of practical and sentimental value because she didn't know what it was.

Then when I got cross, I was the bad guy because she was "only trying to help." So my things are damaged, destroyed and lost, despite crystal clear instructions not to touch them, and I'm supposed to be grateful?

Give them a set list of where things go.

Why shy from the truth?

You always get posts on here saying it’s helpful, wish they were my PIL, but I’m with you OP. My dad used to do this and I hated it, it was quite passive aggressive and his way of saying he didn’t think my house was tidy or clean enough.

Maybe you're not cooking dinner for these people during their stay, including Christmas dinner, with said pots and pans?

It's not a race to the bottom.

Your husband needs to tell your parents how irritating it is when they put his stuff in places none of it belongs.

Give 100 less fucks and make your husband deal with it. All of it.

Irritating, but better than expected to be waited hand and foot.
Can you explain to them about everything having its place and you'd prefer to tidy/put things away.
Maybe give them useful jobs instead?

My MIL was a clean freak and possibly had OCD (unfortunately DH hasn't inherited the love of cleaning)
Whenever she came I'd do a massive clean and tidy up and yet she'd always find stuff to do. Part of me felt like I should feel grateful, however the overriding feeling was that I'm not good enough.

She rearranged all the area around the kitchen sink every.single.time she came.

I wanted her to spend time with the kids and us, and be able to host, but she'd rather "potter" (her expression for rearranging my stuff under the guise of tidying up...except it wasn't really tidying it was just moving stuff from one place to another without knowing where it went!)

PIL came to "help" when DS was a few weeks old. I was desperate for them to take toddler DD out or entertain her at home...but they decided the apple tree needed a good prune and tidy up!

I adore my mother in law but she does this and it drives me mental.

Has anyone seen my purse?
Oh I moved it.

Has anyone seen the car keys?
Oh I moved them.

Has anyone seen the calpol/war thermometer covers/tin opener/remote control?

Oh I moved it.

Why?? Why did you move it? Leave it where it bloody lives!

Of course I would never say this but I bloody think it every single week.

It’s annoying for sure. Are there any jobs they could be doing? Could you direct their cleaning energy into something specific- pile of mending, fixing items, leaf raking, cleaning out a cupboard etc

Yep, that was another thing that the ex-cleaner did

We had a bloody cleaner that did this!! We sacked her

No it's nothing to do with "be kind", which is generally where women are told to ignore toxic behaviour that harms them so as not to cause a fuss.

What I'm saying is that where there's no harm, you can either choose to be annoyed or you can choose to feel glad that someone cares about you. What you're suggesting is to cut your nose off to spite your face. Hardly a recipe for happiness.

How far would you have to look for a pot/pan. Assuming a reasonable size kitchen - you might have to open 3 drawers to locate it. Taking all of 30 seconds.

I have so much kitchen stuff that if one thing doesn't go in the right place, you can't fit everything in. It's like a bloody Rubik cube. It drives me mad when people try and "help" by putting shit away, as it invariably means I have practically empty out a whole cupboard to get it back to how I like it. And there are 9 drawers, so if something is in the "wrong" drawer, there's a lot of choice!

My ex MIL "helped" put stuff away one Christmas, and rammed a large ladle into my tea towel drawer, so that it couldn't be opened more than an inch. My ex had to remove the drawer front to get the fucker out.

I agree with this. Try having in laws who don't lift a finger.

I actually believe my ILs enjoy finding fault so they can fix it. I used to think they were critical, now I don’t want to deprive them so if they announce the kettle needs descaling they can crack on.
FIL fitted new lights in our absence once. He said there was nothing to do because the dishwasher seal was already clean😂