Argument and I feel like I'm going mad

But if he never trips with her, then there’s a strong likelihood that his inappropriate pace for a child caused the accident. Since when did critiquing someone become control?

If your husband regularly burned the toast, wouldn’t you tell him that it’s not the toaster, it’s the way he’s doing it that’s wrong?

If your husband scolded your child with the bath water and blamed the central heating, wouldn’t you explain that it’s never happened to you so it’s likely the setting?

Critiquing people is how we recognise error (we ALL make errors, intentionally and otherwise) and it’s perfectly fine to point them out when they result in injury, especially of a child.

It would be complicit and ethically wrong to allow a father to continually walk too fast holding their young child’s hand, resulting in them tripping and hurting themselves. It’s abusive. As adults, when walking with children and holding hands, we must adjust our pace so the child can walk and maintain the pace safely. It’s basic decency.

OP knows her family set up and it’s sounding like husband is a class a twat. If he were controlled by OP, I doubt he’d be yelling at the kid after the fall. He sounds like a bully and OP needs the strength to put her child first, not online posters backing up the dad who seems to think it’s ok to cause injury and scream at his family.

I cant believe you are being told yabu...

DS keeps tripping up and eventually falls down. DH gets angry and shouts at DS.

This is not an appropriate response and is NOT okay

However my response to are you saying its my fault would be
"Do you think its your fault? And do you rhink its appropriate to yell at a child who had an accident and hurt themselves?"
Id also be quite happy to happy it out with him

He sounds like a twat.

Surely you just meet in the foyer, trying to stop in a crowd of people all trying to get out with a child in tow is not a good idea, that's how people get crushed.

You don’t drag kids about when having a ‘tantrum’, dragging anyone around is physical abuse. Especially when it results in an injury!

No, the blame seems accurate. Making a young child walk faster than they’re comfortably able to, in the dark and wet, isn’t kind. He tripped and hurt himself, and all you can think about is the grown man? Do you generally have any compassion for children?

To take your original statement that When I try and explain that I'm just stating a fact, not blaming anyone he accuses me of gaslighting, I have to ask if it was that you're "just stating a fact", then why were you stating any facts, why were you stating that particular fact, why do you think stating a fact was helpful, and what did you hope to get back from it?

I am all for not second-guessing people, and I always attempt to take things at face-value, however, there was a reason why you stated this fact, and if it wasn't to make out it was your husband's fault then I'm clueless as to what it was for.

If it was to state a fact for facts-stating sake, you could have said "It's dark" or "My name is Aliceisagooddog" or "Well that's one for Mumsnet tonight", or anything else for that matter. But you didn't, you stated that the child never falls over with you, then came on here when your husband took the hump.

FWIW, what you said is like nails down a black-board to me, because I grew up in a home where this was a constant expression to absolutely anything I had done or attempted to do, or attempted to use, that had either gone tits-up or was unsuccessful.

Sometimes the inference was that I had caused the problem. Sometimes the inference was that there wasn't a problem and it was me being thick. I never realised how deeply I was affected by this rudeness until one day as an adult at work (I would have been about 21) I mentioned to a colleague that I couldn't get any hot water from the tap in the kitchenettte. Straight away my arsehole of a manager piped up "well it was alright when I used it", and to say a red mist descended was an understatement - I wanted to slap him round the face.

He could have just explained that the water heater on the wall was a storage type and not an instantaneous, and that he'd possibly used all the hot water, but no, he had to make the point that there was nothing wrong and I was a thick bas*ard.

So, again, I ask you, what you hoping to achieve from stating your fact?

It's really difficult to tell what's going on here with what info we have. Appreciate you don't want it to be outing. I'd hate someone to say to me ' he doesn't do that with me '. But equally, if hes having a tantrum dragging your son about, I'd be having issues with that mindset. Unless he has a good excuse ( having a bad day).

When you see him acting like that incident with DS, it's best to just confront it honestly and gently - ' what's going on? Why are you getting so annoyed with DS? What's going on. Is something up?' No other comment, just ask honestly.

If you communicate like this and he still says you're gaslighting him then he's the problem.

OP, it feels like you are really reluctant to hear what many people are saying to you.

There is nothing wrong with the responses that would necessitate moving the thread.

There is, however, something useful you could learn about your behaviour that would help your relationship with your DH- if you are willing to read the responses with curiosity and openness.

I agree with others. Your two examples both imply that you jump to criticise or control your DH. And then you deny that that is what you are doing. Perhaps you even believe that is not what you are doing, but surely, you can very reasonably imagine how:

1. Saying your DS never trips with you implies you think your DH is the cause of the tripping, therefore you are critiquing him. (Which might be justified, but then don't deny it)
2. That repeatedly, loudly calling someone's name in public, to demand attention when they are doing nothing wrong (just not what you want) is controlling and pretty aggressive?

I'd respond the same wherever you posted it.

I don't even know what topic it's currently in as I just click threads in most active.

Although your inability to reflect on your behaviour is making this situation clearer.

Yes but can you see how it came across to your DH? Or are you still thinking in both situations it's 100% on him? Assuming he is a decent father he would also be upset because your child was hurt, and what's worse because it was on him. I'm not excusing his behaviour at all - he needs to find a better way of dealing with feelings than shouting. I know how bad I feel when I accidentally hurt DS and if my DH came in and said well that doesn't happen with me I'd quite likely hit the roof.

It doesn’t matter where you post it, anywhere that you say you WEREN’T saying it was his fault, when you absolutely were, you’d get the same replies.

But it was passive aggressive don’t you see that?

You were basically making out that you are the better parent whether that was your intention or not

You're both at fault in both situations.

Yeah your comment doesn't come across well at all.

The comments are because OP is specifically asking about this argument where she has blatantly said it was his fault and she is denying that is what she said. Even in this reply you’re agreeing that that’s what she said, so you’re also in agreement with him!

He was walking too fast. He sounds very angry also. Not much fun for you I bet.

Flip it the other way. If you were struggling as a mum with tricky behaviour from your child, and lost your temper and shouted. And your DH’s response was just to factually state “well he doesn’t do that with me”, how would you feel?

It’s a profoundly unhelpful comment. Parenting should be done as a team. If the other parent is not managing something well and loses their rag, then the normal thing is to step in and take over. Not to try and get a little jibe in to make them feel worse.

It sounds like the DH was dragging his son about so he couldn't keep his balance. He should have asked himself why his son kept stumbling, rather than yelling at him.

I can not understand these pro dh comments. He is oversensitive, quarrlesome, and ignores the needs of the group by going too fast. In addition when he feels anxiety or shame (internal states)?he lashes out at OP and blames her for causing these emotions. He is the problem. Not her.

He sounds stroppy and I feel a parent holding a child's hand would usually be enough to stop them falling.

I don’t disagree at all. The DH shouldn’t have shouted. If the OPs question was “I told DH to slow down” or “I told DH later on that he shouldn’t have shouted at DS, and DH got in a huff with me, AIBU?” Then the responses would be very different.

It’s the passive “he never trips with me” and then OP denying she was criticising him.

Some posters are missing the nuance of what OP is asking. She is asking about her DH claiming to feel gaslit.

No one is saying the DH behaved well by shouting at his son.

You’re saying that but actually lots of the responses here confirm he’s right. OP has said something clearly blaming him for the behaviour, lots of people here agree with that, and OP is denying that’s what she did.