Feeling strange in social situations without baby?

Mistletoemulledwine · 2024-12-21T19:46:34+00:00

Posting for traffic, but wondered if anyone else has felt like this after having a baby or if I’m just going slightly crazy. I am a first time Mum to nearly 10 month old DC. I haven’t had that many evenings out without them but I have had a few, and although I do enjoy the ‘freedom’, I just don’t feel quite right the whole time I’m out. I don’t mean that I just miss DC (which I do!) or that I’m anxious they’re ok (which I am a bit). I feel quite strange/lonely, even if I’m with family or friends I know well. It’s mostly when I’m with people who either have much older children or don’t have children. It’s as if I feel like I’m the only one worried about a small DC and everyone else must be so relaxed, will get a good night’s sleep etc. The other night I was at a Christmas drinks evening with some friends. A couple have older children and a few have no children yet. I was sat there as it got to about 10pm and just couldn’t relax, I felt tired and just kept worrying about how little sleep I’d probably get when I got home and DC would likely wake in the night. I was looking at them thinking, our lives are so different. It was almost like an out of body experience, I was enjoying myself on the surface but just felt strange. It’s almost as if these times when I should be jumping for joy to have a child free evening, I just feel slightly anxious and strange and only feel ok again once I am back with DC, or at least at home and watching them sleeping peacefully on the monitor. Does this sound familiar to anyone? It’s so hard to explain the feeling, a kind of loneliness/homesickness when I am away from DC when I should be enjoying my freedom. I don’t feel like this with Mums of similar age babies, maybe because we are sharing experiences. Just concerned I will never be able to relax away from DC and that my social battery is depleted! I used to love going out!

Original poster

Mistletoemulledwine · 22/12/2024 08:38

Mumofteenandtween · 21/12/2024 20:20

You’ve explained this really well Op.

I remember when dd was a few days old and we went to Tescos. Dh had dd in the pram and I went to the next aisle to grab something and smiled slightly at the woman next to me who was grabbing the same thing. It suddenly occurred to me that she didn’t know I had a baby. Blew my mind! And I went scuttling back to my baby that I had been apart from for many seconds.

Another fun one is when you have a toddler and a train or a police car goes past so you say “yay - a train - choo choo!” Or “yay - a police car - nee nah nee nah”. And then realise that you are alone (amusing) or with your (very staid - I work in finance in a “serious” job) boss (less amusing).

The Tesco thing is the sort of thing I feel as well - so funny. I can imagine myself doing that at work when I go back!

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Original poster

Mistletoemulledwine · 22/12/2024 08:37

AmberBeaker · 21/12/2024 23:14

Yep I have pointed out diggers and cows to bemused non-parent friends!

Show quote history

This made me laugh!!

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Original poster

Mistletoemulledwine · 22/12/2024 08:37

MrsS11 · 21/12/2024 20:29

Yes, because your life has been turned upside down, but don't dismiss your friends with older kids, it's not so long since they felt like that! I think it lifted for me on going back to work because then I had it other things to talk about. In maternity leave they are literally your whole life, every minute, and probably all you talk about with other adults (who likely have similar age babies if you've met them at baby groups). Your world will get bigger again 😊

Don’t get me wrong, it is refreshing hanging out with friends with older kids as it’s nice to know they’ve come out the other end with sleep etc but I swear sometimes they forget what it’s like! Or they’ve blocked it out ha!

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AmberBeaker · 21/12/2024 23:14

Mumofteenandtween · 21/12/2024 20:20

You’ve explained this really well Op.

I remember when dd was a few days old and we went to Tescos. Dh had dd in the pram and I went to the next aisle to grab something and smiled slightly at the woman next to me who was grabbing the same thing. It suddenly occurred to me that she didn’t know I had a baby. Blew my mind! And I went scuttling back to my baby that I had been apart from for many seconds.

Another fun one is when you have a toddler and a train or a police car goes past so you say “yay - a train - choo choo!” Or “yay - a police car - nee nah nee nah”. And then realise that you are alone (amusing) or with your (very staid - I work in finance in a “serious” job) boss (less amusing).

Yep I have pointed out diggers and cows to bemused non-parent friends!

Original poster

Mistletoemulledwine · 21/12/2024 20:34

Tired88p85 · 21/12/2024 20:27

I have a 4 month old and relate completely. It's a mix of 1) knowing I'm going home to no sleep while everyone else is heading home for a nice rest so I' thinking "wtf am I doing here, i need to go home and rest asap" and 2) just hormones/bonding, especially as I'm breastfeeding.

Yes that’s exactly it, I’m BF too so the nights are me and it’s hard not to look at others and think ‘you’re going to have a nice lie in tomorrow!’

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calmandcollected101 · 21/12/2024 20:31

Yes, my DS is 2.5

When he goes to his dads for 1 night, I have to really make an effort to do pamper sessions, eat out , watch films , stop scrolling as I feel so weird, lonely, bored and just waiting to cuddle my boy again

MrsS11 · 21/12/2024 20:29

Yes, because your life has been turned upside down, but don't dismiss your friends with older kids, it's not so long since they felt like that! I think it lifted for me on going back to work because then I had it other things to talk about. In maternity leave they are literally your whole life, every minute, and probably all you talk about with other adults (who likely have similar age babies if you've met them at baby groups). Your world will get bigger again 😊

Tired88p85 · 21/12/2024 20:27

I have a 4 month old and relate completely. It's a mix of 1) knowing I'm going home to no sleep while everyone else is heading home for a nice rest so I' thinking "wtf am I doing here, i need to go home and rest asap" and 2) just hormones/bonding, especially as I'm breastfeeding.

Original poster

Mistletoemulledwine · 21/12/2024 20:24

Malorcamum · 21/12/2024 20:17

I have a 4 month old and I feel this way too <3 you are not alone.

If you think about it in terms of evolution and survival instincts, strictly speaking it’s not natural to be away from your little one until they’re able to be more independent. Your brain and hormones have evolved to make you want to stay with your child.

that’s not to say you shouldn’t spend some time away, because we aren’t living in caves anymore ;) but just know that it’s completely normal and instinctive to feel this way.

personally I’m struggling with the fact that lots of people have offered to babysit my little one over Christmas. They are well meaning and keep telling me I ‘should be able to take a break’, but honestly it makes me feel pressured when I just want to stay with my baby. I ended up politely explaining this which took the pressure off and has helped me to feel more relaxed.

also, when I’m around people who haven’t had kids I feel a bit isolated because they can’t relate to the intensity of it. It’s a hard feeling to describe!

it’s great to hear from other mums that these feelings fade over time though xx

Thank you - and it does make sense in evolutionary terms! It’s like a biological pull! It’s hard around people who don’t have kids as they just don’t get it, but then I remember I was like that a year ago!!

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Blarn · 21/12/2024 20:23

I also know what you mean. I didn't know what to do with my arms either, I always felt restless, like my body couldn't switch off from always being ready to pick up a baby! It got better when I went back to work though as I was away from them all day so frequently.

Mumofteenandtween · 21/12/2024 20:20

You’ve explained this really well Op.

I remember when dd was a few days old and we went to Tescos. Dh had dd in the pram and I went to the next aisle to grab something and smiled slightly at the woman next to me who was grabbing the same thing. It suddenly occurred to me that she didn’t know I had a baby. Blew my mind! And I went scuttling back to my baby that I had been apart from for many seconds.

Another fun one is when you have a toddler and a train or a police car goes past so you say “yay - a train - choo choo!” Or “yay - a police car - nee nah nee nah”. And then realise that you are alone (amusing) or with your (very staid - I work in finance in a “serious” job) boss (less amusing).

Malorcamum · 21/12/2024 20:17

I have a 4 month old and I feel this way too <3 you are not alone.

If you think about it in terms of evolution and survival instincts, strictly speaking it’s not natural to be away from your little one until they’re able to be more independent. Your brain and hormones have evolved to make you want to stay with your child.

that’s not to say you shouldn’t spend some time away, because we aren’t living in caves anymore ;) but just know that it’s completely normal and instinctive to feel this way.

personally I’m struggling with the fact that lots of people have offered to babysit my little one over Christmas. They are well meaning and keep telling me I ‘should be able to take a break’, but honestly it makes me feel pressured when I just want to stay with my baby. I ended up politely explaining this which took the pressure off and has helped me to feel more relaxed.

also, when I’m around people who haven’t had kids I feel a bit isolated because they can’t relate to the intensity of it. It’s a hard feeling to describe!

it’s great to hear from other mums that these feelings fade over time though xx

Mahanii · 21/12/2024 20:15

When mine were tiny and I'd go out without them I used to feel like I was missing a limb. It definitely fades. I still miss them when I'm away from them though.

Twinklelittlefart · 21/12/2024 20:14

Totally get this! Youngest is 3 and I probably felt that way until the eldest was 10 so it does pass… eventually (and then you miss it and have another 😂)

JudgeJ · 21/12/2024 20:14

RaspberryCombat · 21/12/2024 19:56

I feel like this too, and my youngest is 3.5 years 😳

I recall our first holiday without our two, they were in their teens by then, and it seemed to odd at first. Queuing to check in at the airport we heard a family behind us telling their teenaged children to stop squabbling, we looked at each other, smiled and it didn't feel odd after that!

Original poster

Mistletoemulledwine · 21/12/2024 20:13

Funandnames · 21/12/2024 20:10

This is so normal - especially for first time parents. I always joked ‘where do I put my hands?!’ when I didn’t have my baby. Now with baby number 3 (9 months old) I still feel that feeling but know it for what it is - adjusting to your new identity and also being out of routine feels weird. Just enjoy the time off - this will happen more easily with time. Or you’ll become one of those mums who loses themselves entirely! Remember you’re their mummy but if you do a good job they will confidently venture out in to the world to do their own thing.

Edited

You’re right and I am making sure to keep taking time to myself, I know it’ll get easier. I’m back at work in a couple of months and already anxious about that but I expect it’ll feel easier to socialise more when I’m back into that part of my life.

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Original poster

Mistletoemulledwine · 21/12/2024 20:11

Comedycook · 21/12/2024 20:05

I understand this ...I also used to sway, like you do when you're holding a baby, even though it was just me standing there!

I find myself doing that too!!

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jaychops · 21/12/2024 20:11

I totally get this. I really struggled when my youngest started school. For 9 years I'd had a child with me on my days off from work, attending baby and toddler groups etc. I felt lost and like I didn't know what my identity was anymore other than being a mum. It passed after a few months and now I love time to myself, but it was really hard for a while.

EvelynBeatrice · 21/12/2024 20:11

And the time will come when you’ll be glad to get away - teenage years 😁

Funandnames · 21/12/2024 20:10

This is so normal - especially for first time parents. I always joked ‘where do I put my hands?!’ when I didn’t have my baby. Now with baby number 3 (9 months old) I still feel that feeling but know it for what it is - adjusting to your new identity and also being out of routine feels weird. Just enjoy the time off - this will happen more easily with time. Or you’ll become one of those mums who loses themselves entirely! Remember you’re their mummy but if you do a good job they will confidently venture out in to the world to do their own thing.

Original poster

Mistletoemulledwine · 21/12/2024 20:10

AmberBeaker · 21/12/2024 20:03

I get what you mean by "loneliness" feeling but I sometimes think that feeling is actually a change in my identity/personality since having kids... I feel like a slightly different person since I had my kids and sometimes when I'm around people who knew me before I had kids I feel slightly lonely but it's almost like I miss my old self if that makes any sense!

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head there. I hadn’t been in this sort of setting with that group since before I had DC and I suppose I realised how different my life is now, and now different I am, and how pretty much their lives are the same.

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EvelynBeatrice · 21/12/2024 20:09

Completely normal. It’s feeling like you’ve gone out without one of your limbs / something’s missing. I had this with all mine and most powerfully with the one who’d been very poorly at birth.

AnneLovesGilbert · 21/12/2024 20:07

I completely know what you mean. My eldest is 5 and I still feel like that.

Comedycook · 21/12/2024 20:05

I understand this ...I also used to sway, like you do when you're holding a baby, even though it was just me standing there!

AmberBeaker · 21/12/2024 20:03

I get what you mean by "loneliness" feeling but I sometimes think that feeling is actually a change in my identity/personality since having kids... I feel like a slightly different person since I had my kids and sometimes when I'm around people who knew me before I had kids I feel slightly lonely but it's almost like I miss my old self if that makes any sense!