I never feel "special"

You need to talk to him and tell him what you want. Set expectations

I think you’ve got to treat yourself because you need to look after yourself. Don’t wait for someone else to treat you.

First of all, comparison really is the thief of joy. That friend who gets a 5 star luxury hotel, for you all know, her husband may have cheated and buys the extravagant gifts out of guilt. I'm not saying that the case, but you really don't know what else other people have going on behind closed doors. I know it may be hard, but you really need to stop comparing your relationship to a snapshot of what you see/hear from others.

As for the gifts, some people are just shit at gifts, others are just lousy. Be honest and tell him the facials are not a good gift as they are bad for your skin. Also could you not compromise on the list , so you each put 1 specific item on the gift list you would like, and then for any other gifts, this is chosen by you/your husband ?

All this stuff about gifts is just background noise. Your real issue is that you don't feel appreciated.

The solution is fairly simple. Pick a relaxed time when it's just the two of you and tell the man how you feel. Don't be accusatory and don't hold other couples up as examples. Explain that sometimes you'd just like an acknowledgment that you do a lot and put a lot of effort into making your family life run smoothly.

Regarding gifts...it sounds like he did put some thought into that birthday necklace but he missed the mark. I've been married 30+ years and my husband still makes the oddest choices when it comes to jewelry for me! Jewelry, like art, evokes a visceral response in some of us and it's hard to get just right.

Just buy the gifts you want and put them under the tree for yourself. Say they are from the toddler. After a few years the penny might drop and he might start to understand what you like. Personally I’d be honest about the necklace and explain it’s not your style.

Buy yourself flowers regularly. It probably doesn’t cross his mind but him seeing you enjoy the flowers might act as a prompt

True. If your partner suddenly ups their game with gifts it's time to be suspicious.

The truth is, there is no point being jealous of others, because you simply do not know what is going on in their lives.

To expound on this theory; I personally am a pretty woman who owns a house in London, so my life looks great on the surface. In reality, it is almost unliveable because my family were killed in an accident, a la Midsommar.

I would literally live out of a Range Rover for just one of them back.

TL;DR Jealousy is a pointless and misguided emotion.

Could be true, but even the example, never mind the joke, seems in bad taste after today's events.

This cracked me up 😂
and also may well be true

How do you know that Germany 5 star spa trip isn't because he was caught fucking his secretary? Perspective, man.

Yes, YABU.

Firstly, don't compare with your friends. You have no idea what goes on in their marriages. Even if you did, comparison is the thief of joy.

Secondly, you said
My 30th birthday coincided with the birth of our daughter, he got me a necklace with two love hearts on but it's not my style, he's known me 15 years. I really wanted to love whatever my birthday present was for my 30th, it's a big day. But I don't. He asks why I never wear it and I feel guilty because I just say oh I forget to change my current one (one I wear all the time/sleep in etc). It's like he doesn't know ME at all.

So, I'm reading from that, he tried to get you something nice. He missed the mark, but you aren't willing to tell him that.

You've been together 15 years, and know by now that he isn't as good at guessing what you'd like, as you think he ought to be. You either need to accept that isn't his forte, and put less importance on it, and focus on all the things you love about him or help him. 'Pretending' you like something and haven't put it on because you forgot, is just ridiculous. If presents mean that much to you, then find a way of being really, really clear what you would like.

Has he ever done these things ?

Your friends might have had more of a part in those gifts than they let on. Don't believe everything you see on social media. I totally appreciate how you feel, it is nice to get nice things but I would try to focus on and place much higher value on how he is as a partner- loyal, supportive, kind etc. In my experience among my friend group some of the flashiest gifts can be from men who don't value and respect their partners in the way I would want.

It doesn’t have to be gifts though does it? If you felt appreciated in other ways it probably wouldn’t upset you so much. My dh isn’t a presents person, that’s not his love language but he makes me feel special and appreciated by his acts of loving kindness. He is much more practical than a gift giver.
Time for a conversation with your dh. You feel unappreciated. It’s ok to communicate that to him.

Also, you don’t know if your friend really had a mani/pedi and massage all organised for her or if she’s just saying that and she set it up!

This is a tough one because honestly I think most men just aren’t thoughtful like that, however there’s inequity in how much effort you are putting in. My best advice just stop … stop making effort that isn’t reciprocated. Or be more prescriptive about what your needs are.

I think you need an honest conversation. His opinion is that gift lists ruin xmas - yours is that getting random gifts that aren’t to your taste ruins xmas. You really need to talk to each other. You need to tell him how you feel and what needs to change.

I will say though, everyone is different in terms of their likes, dislikes and finances. On the one hand I’m with you on wanting gifts that feel personal and special. My DH is pretty good, but I also give him a list to use either as direct suggestions or just as an idea of the kind of things he wants. But some of what you describe here I would hate - I don’t like flowers and it would drive me mad if I got them regularly.

Most relationships fail, all of those perfect relationships and gifts may well be papering over some hefty cracks.

Perhaps you've been together too long and have stayed in a rut from when you were teens with minimal money. Or perhaps gift giving just isn't DH love language or natural way depending on his family upbringing.

DD and I have a Present chat on WhatsApp, whenever we see anything during the year we would like we take a photo or put the link into the chat, then when Christmas or birthdays come around it's easy to get a few things off the list, and also builds up a catalogue of the things you like and your style, perhaps the two of you should try that

Show him this and stop doing too much for him.