To be fed up of friends negative comments?

dfleutr · 2024-12-21T19:02:27+00:00

I decided to go blonde two years ago, wasn’t a great decision as it took a long time to get to the specific shade I wanted and it was expensive. Tired of toning my hair every week. I decided to go back to my natural colour and I got extensions and I felt fantastic. Met up with friends last night and it was the first time seeing me with dark hair. Everyone said it was lovely and friend mumbled it was nice. Later on she brought up my hair and said “but all that money you spent on going blonde” … I’m well aware of how much k spent and I also had it for 2 years and very much felt done. I don’t need compliments and being told it looked nice for a good enough comment for me, but it frustrated me it had to be followed up with something negative. She’s done this quite a few times.

Birdscratch · 21/12/2024 22:44

I think the trick with people like your friend is to avoid going on the defensive and attempting to justify your choices. It was your money and it’s your hair. You don’t have to explain yourself. In this case, when she started off with ‘but all the money you spent …’ something like, ‘I loved being blonde’ or ‘I love trying new looks’ would work. If you really want to fuck with her you could put on your best sincere look and tell that she shouldn’t be afraid to try new things.

Jellywobblescobbles · 21/12/2024 21:33

Tittat50 · 21/12/2024 21:07

Yes it sounds likely a micro aggression as suggested by other poster.

I think a good thing is to prepared in advance of any catch up how to handle these sort of subtle digs. You know she's doing it and you know you'll be accused of over reacting if you snap. Based on what you've said I can see the type she is. You have to mentally downgrade her now. She's showing you this side so be prepared for future interactions. Don't bitch about her to the other 2! Often people reserve their bitchiness for one person and you fall into a trap. Be clever and accept she's a bit of a bitch but keep that knowledge to yourself. Just act accordingly. Give her less of your energy.

It's horrible to realise friends can be like this.

I totally agree. It’s none of her business what you do to your hair!
I cba with “friends” like this who don’t care how they talk to you. Her comments aren’t needed.

Livinginadream · 21/12/2024 21:28

Am I suppose to feel bad for spending money on my hair and wanting a change after two years?

No

Juicey1992 · 21/12/2024 21:23

You say she's made other comments what were they?

On it's own this sounds like a something of nothing to me, but if there is form for this, maybe I'd think differently

stargazerlil · 21/12/2024 21:20

Sounds like a blokes reaction, maybe she fancied you more when you were blonde.

Radishknot · 21/12/2024 21:13

I’m sorry that happened to you & it’s great you love your hair but as I said I don’t understand why you have taken a factual statement as a dig.

Original poster

dfleutr · 21/12/2024 21:11

Radishknot · 21/12/2024 21:04

You sound a little insecure though based on “Which has been rare for me for a while but last night I just felt so confident (whereas usually I want to feel invisible)”. If you like your hair & don’t care about the cost then her saying truthfully that you spent a lot on it wouldn’t have any impact on you.

Ne feeling like that has nothing to do with my hair - blonde, brunette, red I’ve been them all. My confidence remains the same. I probably do look better with dark hair as it’s my natural colour.

I was in a very emotionally abusive relationship that ripped my confidence to pieces. So it is a rare occurrence that I go out and feel good. I’m in therapy for it so hopefully I won’t feel like this horrendous forever.

And I absolutely love my hair dark. I loved it blonde too but the maintenance I was doing was pretty much having to tone it with each wash - it’s messy and time consuming and I’ve done it for two years. I enjoy trying different looks.

OP posts:

Tittat50 · 21/12/2024 21:07

Yes it sounds likely a micro aggression as suggested by other poster.

I think a good thing is to prepared in advance of any catch up how to handle these sort of subtle digs. You know she's doing it and you know you'll be accused of over reacting if you snap. Based on what you've said I can see the type she is. You have to mentally downgrade her now. She's showing you this side so be prepared for future interactions. Don't bitch about her to the other 2! Often people reserve their bitchiness for one person and you fall into a trap. Be clever and accept she's a bit of a bitch but keep that knowledge to yourself. Just act accordingly. Give her less of your energy.

It's horrible to realise friends can be like this.

dfleutr · 21/12/2024 21:06

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SallyWD · 21/12/2024 21:05

dfleutr · 21/12/2024 19:31

She complimented it by saying it looked nice.

Then hours later randomly brought up the cost.

Show quote history

She was probably just thinking aloud. If I was your friend I'd probably be thinking of all time and money it took you to go blonde. It's not really negative or an insult it's just an observation.
I don't see why you're so upset about this innocent remark.

Radishknot · 21/12/2024 21:04

You sound a little insecure though based on “Which has been rare for me for a while but last night I just felt so confident (whereas usually I want to feel invisible)”. If you like your hair & don’t care about the cost then her saying truthfully that you spent a lot on it wouldn’t have any impact on you.

ShortyShorts · 21/12/2024 21:03

Dishwashersaurous · 21/12/2024 19:05

That doesn't sound like a negative comment
Just factual

Agreed

I really couldn't imagine giving this a second thought 🤷‍♂️

Original poster

dfleutr · 21/12/2024 21:02

Balancedcitizen101 · 21/12/2024 20:57

It's a small micro aggression. Some people regularly do the down side in most conversations. Sometimes they are glass half empty people, I'm guilty of it sometimes. I'd not fall out with her over this one though. If you have your reasons then just give them and she might stop doing it at some point.

Yeah I just simply stated that I’d been blonde for two years and it was time for a change. I won’t fall out with her over it. I just wish I was better at not letting it bother me.

OP posts:

Radishknot · 21/12/2024 21:01

If a friend secretly didn’t like me I would assume it would be more obvious than complimenting me & commenting on the cost of something 🤷🏻‍♀️

stayathomer · 21/12/2024 21:00

People get irritated by friends saying stuff but sometimes they’re just making conversation. It does make sense that you spent a lot getting your hair the other colour so maybe they’re wondering if you really like your hair or it just had to be done

Original poster

dfleutr · 21/12/2024 21:00

Tittat50 · 21/12/2024 20:50

@dfleutr do you feel like you have entered the third dimension reading these posts? 😆 I have to question whether I've taken too many painkillers sometimes on here 🤷‍♀️.

I have a friend like this. She really is just tactless and not cruel or bitchy as such. There's others who are though. Trust your instincts.

With people like this you have to be very confident and self assured in their presence which is not always easy!

And yep, I would say the same as you in that example. I have put my foot in it before and know I'm genuinely not being a bitch. You have to trust your gut with this one as only you will know the intent.

Definitely 😂.

We used to be such good friends. Then I just saw a really competitive side to her. It almost felt like if I ever got anything new then she would need to get it but better.

She looked terrified when I said I had a new job and instantly asked about my salary. 🤦‍♀️

I probably would have ended the friendship a while ago but it’s a group and I love the other two and I don’t get to see them that often as they both live a few hours away.

I spent lots of time yesterday doing my hair and makeup and selecting an outfit I’d never have previously worn. Which has been rare for me for a while but last night I just felt so confident (whereas usually I want to feel invisible) and then I just felt she was trying to make me feel bad about changing my hair colour because I’d spent money on being another colour. I just don’t get why saying it looks nice wasn’t enough? I felt like there didn’t need to be a mention of it again later on in the night.

OP posts:

Radishknot · 21/12/2024 20:59

The OP hasn’t given any other examples though. Plenty of people misjudge things and have the wrong instincts, just look at the relationship board!

Tittat50 · 21/12/2024 20:58

Radishknot · 21/12/2024 20:53

The people on MN never disappoint. Only here can your reality be consistently denied

But not everyone has the best take on reality…

There will be more to this person and OP is just trying to figure it out. The best thing OP can do is just trust her instincts. I think she knows based on friends' form that she more than this example says things that are slightly off.

Balancedcitizen101 · 21/12/2024 20:57

It's a small micro aggression. Some people regularly do the down side in most conversations. Sometimes they are glass half empty people, I'm guilty of it sometimes. I'd not fall out with her over this one though. If you have your reasons then just give them and she might stop doing it at some point.

ChristmasinBrighton · 21/12/2024 20:57

If this is the poster I think it is, she posts repeatedly about her hair and appearance and has some fairly serious health issues.

Radishknot · 21/12/2024 20:55

I have a friend that changes their car constantly. If I see she has a new car, I’ll just say “ooh like the new car”. I don’t then randomly say an hour later “but you spent so much on your last car”.
I’m just happy for my friend that she’s changed her car. I don’t need to randomly follow it up an hour later saying “but you spent so much on your last car”

The point is her commenting that you spent a lot doesn’t mean she isn’t happy for you….

Radishknot · 21/12/2024 20:53

The people on MN never disappoint. Only here can your reality be consistently denied

But not everyone has the best take on reality…

Ineedaholidayyyy · 21/12/2024 20:52

Can you share any other examples of comments she's made to justify if you are being unreasonable or not?

I know what point you are trying to make but based on the example alone, I don't see her comment as a negative one and purely an observation.

BeLilacSloth · 21/12/2024 20:50

dfleutr · 21/12/2024 20:49

No thankfully a handful of people have got it. I just genuinely have zero idea why you think I believe my friend cares what hair colour I have.

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Darling I think one person has understood you, congratulations 😃

Tittat50 · 21/12/2024 20:50

@dfleutr do you feel like you have entered the third dimension reading these posts? 😆 I have to question whether I've taken too many painkillers sometimes on here 🤷‍♀️.

I have a friend like this. She really is just tactless and not cruel or bitchy as such. There's others who are though. Trust your instincts.

With people like this you have to be very confident and self assured in their presence which is not always easy!

And yep, I would say the same as you in that example. I have put my foot in it before and know I'm genuinely not being a bitch. You have to trust your gut with this one as only you will know the intent.