Early gift disappointment

I think it is lovely that you are reflecting OP on this experience and what it means for you x

I'd say that actually how you feel is probably in many ways more normal. Christmas seems to bring out lots of emotion and reflection in people, not all of it good.

Make sure that you do find time to do some things that you actually enjoy, even its a long walk in the woods, a cheesy movie or an extra long bath.

Take care of yourself

I think you’ve been watching too many adverts and seeing too many perfect Instagram posts and want some sort of dream. I think next year, you’ll need to be a bit more proactive and clear about things. This is about much more than a pair of earrings, it seems.

Are you choosing the "quote" option? Of you can't see that copying a specific bit of text then pasting that and putting it between asterisks to bold it works too.

This is why I am so relieved not to exchange presents with DH or anyone else at Christmas. I have no idea what people's expectations are, I don't know what they want, I have no idea what constitutes special as opposed to just nice and am baffled by why some jewellery you said you would for yourself as a treat is not special if it would be a treat.

If you have really particular ideas about how you want Christmas to be and the kind of gifts you want you have to voice them.

And just to pick up on one thing you say.

Extra special feelings with associate with Christmas.

I'd say that this is perhaps an unrealistic expectation and it certainly cannot be achieved through gifts

I wonder whether this is actually about the fact that you aren't with him at christmas and you aren't really looking forward to seeing the people you are seeing.

No gift was ever going to compensate for that set up.

Ooh I think what this probably signifies is that in the new year you need to have a genuine conversation with him about the direction of the relationship and the next step etc.

Is it because the gifts are not meaningful ? I.e you were hoping for more by way of expressing his feelings for you ?
Men often get it very wrong OP / the gifts I've had over the years

I have a lovely dh, we have just celebrated 25 years together.
He is a crap gift giver.
It isn;t the money, he just is bad at choosing, so if he buys me earrings (which I love) they are ones that I don't ever wear.

But in the grand scheme of things, I decided early on that it was something I can live with, given that he is a generally great human being in all other respects.

I think one thing is that he doesn't get hints I drop, and when we are eg on holiday and I go - Oh what a lovely necklace - it would never occur to him to buy it and save it for a gift for later.

So now I am much more direct. I make a Christmas list. I send him links to things I like, and I have stopped expecting something from him that he can't do.
And we are both happier.

It does sound as if you wanted some sort of ‘show’ gift to boast about or to measure your relationship through. I realised years ago that dp would never be that giver, so if I want diamonds or whatever, I buy my own.

I think what I am missing is something I could keep for a long time that was just for me (not just practical things for the house etc) that would last years and that I could remember our first full year by (if indeed it is a long relationship).

I don't think I was even fully aware of what it was I'd wanted.

I can see why men think women are bloody mad sometimes! 😂At least you got this off your chest here before the poor sod got the brunt of it.

I’m female and can’t get my head around the specifics of jewellery you seem to have. How the hell is a guy supposed to know any of this?

Stop thinking about the gift he got you and start thinking about the gift that is him. Unless you dont feel that way about him, in which case sayonara. Life is too short for this. Pull yourself together.

Maybe it's exactly what you said, OP; that it's something you'd buy yourself.
He probably thinks he's done exactly the right thing and it does show he's noticed what you wear which is great.
But you hoped for maybe a more "special " version in some way so you're a little deflated.
If jewellery is your thing, and is symbolic to you, you could say later in the year "those earrings you bought me are lovely, I'd love something from x brand/shop to go with them"
That way it's still a surprise and he will think about it, as he chooses the item himself, but it's also something you know you'll be happy with.

Sounds to me like what you really want maybe is a particular type of experience with your OH at Christmas? What you’re feeling is probably not about the actual physical gifts at all. Receiving just more stuff can make you feel quite empty. Especially when there’s quite a long build up as there often is each year. Perhaps think about your ideal fantasy Christmas as a starter. Wishing you a very happy one x

Think this is a really good opportunity to actually get to know each other better by talking about families, traditions and expectations around events.

Many, many families wouldn't see Christmas as about making people feel special through gifts.

Is there also an underlying feeling about the fact that you aren't spending Christmas together, and whether that's a reflection on the seriousness of your relationship. And then the gifts are a symbol of that.

Because actually it doesn't now seem that it is about the money but about something else

🤣 My DH keeps buying me Pandora bracelets. I’m embarrassed to say how many I have now. They’re lovely but I’m just not a big jewellery wearer. I run a business from home that’s very hands on and messy and I do a lot of sport, so they’re very impractical for me. I maybe wear one once a year if I remember.

OP, I understand. I think I had (and still have a bit) a fantasy that my DH is going to wow me with something super that’s taken him time, thought, a bit of creativity and research. It’s romantic. It’s not about the cost either. We went through the years of him giving me ever increasing quantities of Body Shop body butters for Christmas every year because I pretended I was happy with the stuff the first year he got it for me. In reality it was a boring gift and the stuff just disintegrated on top of my skin and ruined my clothes. I got that awful sinking disappointment/riddled with guilt at my ingratitude when it reached the point that one year I received a large Christmas stocking rammed full with 12 tubs. I should have been more honest up front! It all got thrown out

I learnt to be very specific and to very clearly tell him if I wanted something - and if I didn’t want something. No clutter, no tatt - like mugs with a photo of the cat on (yes that happened too), no cuddly toys, no body butter (!) are some of the rules. I haven’t had the heart to say no more Pandora though because they are well put together and quite frankly not cheap, so thought has definitely gone into them, and I would feel really mean.

if it helps, I had an OH before my DH who gave me wonderful thoughtful things for Christmas and birthdays including trips and holidays, but in most other areas of our relationship I was really unhappy. Next year, just pick something you’d really like that you would never buy for yourself and let him know that’s what you’d like please. Give him the opportunity to do the same.

i feel your pain x

Were you hoping for an engagement ring?

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on here, and normally I'd be the first to jump on someone if they were being shallow, etc, but I don't think that's you.

I absolutely get it. I had the same feeling for my birthday a few months ago, and it really knocked me back. Previously, it was my mum's big birthday, and I'd planned a surprise day out, musical, dinner at Michelin star restaurant- BIG things, planned the route, picked her up, the whole lot.
But for my birthday, also a significant birthday, she asked me a month in advance what I wanted to do, and then simply booked a meal with her and her partner, which is something we do every few months anyway, and is more something 'she' wants to do to spend time together, i.e. nothing special. It felt all very 'box ticky', just something to do and get out the way. I legitimately felt really unloved, and still do.

So i get what you're upset about. It's not the money, but the feeling that someone has given you the same careful consideration and planning that you put into them. Had your bf made you a card, listened to you months ago when you were admiring that 'thing' in the shop you passed together, and actually designed each and every present around you, even if it cost nothing, that would have been perfect... but a five minute purchase on Etsy with a few practical items, I get it...

I'd rather have a £10 chocolate that they shipped in from Belgium because they know I love it, and it's not in the uk, than a £200 Alexa device they just clicked 'buy' on Amazon two days ago.

You may feel unappreciated but that doesn't mean you ARE unappreciated.

Earrings that you'd have chosen yourself sound great to me.