To be angry at DH?

Grey rock is not being apologetic. Grey rock is responding with simple neutral phrases or neutral one word answers, with a monotone voice, and not acknowledging it if they shout/get upset/angry etc. Do NOT apologise (unless you genuinely need to, even then dont be overly apologetic), as thats a reaction and fuels them.

That said, grey rocking does enrage them considerably more at first - the idea is that you make yourself so utterly boring that eventually they stop trying to get a reaction. Again, do not apologise - that is a reaction and yes, you being a doormat. A simple "Ok" suffices, or one "sorry" if it needs to be said,

@Carla11 I'm just bumping for the knowledgeable crowd. Sending hugs

I'm really sorry to hear that you're being treated like this OP, and he obviously thinks it's the right way to treat a woman, as he's seen his father treat his mum like this, and she's just put up with it, instead of walking away. By staying, you are teaching your kids, the exact same thing, ie, sons to treat women badly, and daughters to accept it. Like with having a first baby, there's never really a 'right time' to leave OP, you just have to bite the bullet and do it. These days there is help out there, unlike the days when my mum had kids to a wife beater, when there simply wasn't any support whatsoever for a battered wife. So bear in mind, that women over the years have fought hard to get this support in order to save people like yourself from remaining stuck in a bad marriage, so stop wasting the life you have left, and if you're no longer young, all the more reason to get on with it, and make the life you have in front of you, better than the life you have now. At least by standing up for yourself and calling him out on his behaviour, you're part way there, as long as it doesn't result in you getting a beating? Now just take that extra step, tell him to go to hell, and get rid once and for all. You'll be doing yourself and your kids a favour.

You deserve better.
Plan your escape for the new year.
I lived with a manipulator/ abuser for 8 years longer than I should have.
The culmination of that is a 20 YO DD in counselling and two younger DC on their way to needing counselling as their father continues to be a twat.

There is a big difference in being a doormat and refusing to engage in destructive behaviour. Being a doormat is accepting his bad behaviour and rolling over without a squeak which can be soul destroying. Refusing to engage gives you some power back. Walking out the room is not being a doormat and trust me, he will try and ramp up his bad behaviour to try and put you back in the doormat box. I can guarantee he won't view them the same.

A decent person (you) can never, ever win the argument with a toxic manipulator (him). Never. So don't engage.

Is he getting deaf, if he thinks he can't be heard when he shouts?

Well yes JustWalking I* *do agree but she has said she is unable to leave at the moment so she either argues back like she is doing now (calling it out) or she starts to grey rock until she is able to leave. I'm assuming it's due to lack of finances that are keeping her trapped and that can take months or even years to resolve. I found my parents arguing/shouting a heck of a lot more traumatising than the silences or grey rock and a lot of others have said the same in other threads.

You really do need to start planning though OP because it will never get better than this, only worse.

Trouble with grey rock in these circumstances is that it's impacting the dc, and being emotionless and not reacting to his shit behaviour teaches her dc not to call out shitty behaviour and just accept it.

If he starts shouting at you then walk out of the room.
If he starts trying to argue then say okay dear. Dont say yes, no, maybe, perhaps, dont disagree or point out any mistakes in plans or try a conversation. Just "okay" and walk away.

If you sit there trying to keep a poker face he will ramp it up just to see you flinch or argue back. No matter how hard you try not to respond unfortunately your body language will give you away, so walk out the room and do something normal to centre yourself like put washing on, rinse out a cup, go to the loo etc.

It feels awkward and unnatural at first but after a couple of weeks it will become second nature to walk away with zero comments.

DD doesn’t know anything. They could be your trainers or trainers for one of the other DC.

Yeah I wasted so many years because I thought I couldn’t leave yet. I was so wrong.

I always said I couldn't leave yet. You are wasting your younger years. I wish I had left years ago.

I would be royally pissed off OP. Grey rock all the way!

So you are in a highly abusive relationship and so are your children witnessing his treatment of you.

Tell family and friends the truth and talk to Women's aid.

You deserve better than such a pig.

He sounds awful.
New Year’s resolution can be to get rid of him.

As PP have said. Just do not react. And then leave 💐

It's shit to have to spend part of your life just hanging in there because your "partner" is a prick. But you don't have to deal with him or give him any of your attention, because he is not worth it. Go grey rock. Ignore him and stop doing anything that isn't for you or the kids. He is nothing, so treat him that way.

Grey rock. Just do not react.