Teenage son unreasonable expectations

Do you not remember being 17? Of course he'd rather be with his GF than his mum, dad and siblings. He's working hard and only got one day off, be proud of him and happy for him. Don't be that mother who tries to guilt and manipulate her kids into spending time at home - I promise it will only push him away more.

MyBirthdayMonth · Today 12:13
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Any 17-year-old would rather be with his girlfriend than four siblings!

100%

Not sure why so many people think it's weird the girlfriend hasn't met OP. I rarely introduced my parent to blokes I was shagging as a young adult.

Your son has told you you don't care about his feelings. That's the problem. Him having a girlfriend is normal.

Absolutely. Relationship lasted 2.5 years in my case, and was also very intense and fast moving before we ultimately realised we saw our lives being in different places. Now I’m older my approach to relationships is far more cautious but I’d do anything to go back to being that carefree and spontaneous! That age is such a fun chapter of life that you only get once. Let him enjoy it and make his own mistakes OP.

I'd be hurt, too.

And for everyone who thinks he should be 'left to it', I imagine her family has made it clear they see her at Christmas at her age, and probably still being supported by family. But for some reason that's okay for her family but not his?

You sound incredibly jealous and manipulative by the language you use. He’s almost an adult and is moving on with his life as is the natural course. Get a grip of yourself. It’s not playing “happy families”, he’s living his life and you will alienate him if you can’t accept his decisions and be happy for him. You sound exactly how my ex MIL was with my SIL and her boyfriend. She no longer had contact with MIL in the end because instead of accepting her daughter’s decision she was jealous and constantly made nasty digs about him and his family. You don’t have to consider everyone’s feelings at all it’s not your decision to have to make considerations for. How bizarre.

Is there a reason why you haven’t met the girlfriend after this long? Do you have a close relationship with your son? Could he be embarrassed about any aspect of his home life? He doesn’t seem to want to be at home in general and I think I’d focus more on that than just Christmas day. Is he working so much at 17 so that he can save up and move out?

Have you invited her daughter to enjoy time with you? Before this relationship did you and your son have fun together routinely?
I think I would be pretty devastated by this behaviour, but I’d be looking at myself and wondering where I went wrong (but that’s my response to most things)

He can do what he likes? What’s the problem?

Don't be daft.

Any 17-year-old would rather be with his girlfriend than four siblings!

Your lack of self-awareness is going to spell trouble for him and his future relationships, and you are going to end up as the sulking, pouting mother-in-law if you don't reflect.

Isn't it normal for teenagers to push away or be quite distant with their family as an important step of growing up and leaving the nest? I understand that it's hurtful at Christmas, and a painful process for mothers generally, but he's seeing spending Christmas with them as a type of novelty. He'll still be developing until his early or mid 20s, so you might have to wait some time for him to pass that phase.

If he senses that you are being passive aggressive, spiteful or sarcastic about this, about him growing up, asserting autonomy, developing relationships with women, be prepared that he will deliberately put you at arm's length when he's older for a very long time, possibly indefinitely.

Have you not paused to wonder why he hasn't introduced you to his girlfriend yet? It should be shyness, but I'm wondering if he's keeping you at arm's length because he doesn't want you to critisise her or start making little digs at her.

You should be proud your son has grown into a hardworking, independent young man

I agree with @Lubilu02

As he is one of five children, I would assume that actually getting away to another house might be a nice break for him.

If your house is noisy/busy, it could explain why he would rather go somewhere else.

But remember this is MN and by 18 you are expected to have nothing more to do with your children or they you.

I did this too - relationship lasted 4 years. Super intense, but came home after this.

Let him live his life. Young love is lovely.

I imagine he finds spending time with all his siblings,with everyone's filters off, alot. I say this also having 5 children. I can appreciate he might want to see what a smaller Christmas looks like too.

You should be proud your son has grown into a hardworking, independent young man.

Tell him, if this what's makes him happy then youre happy for him. Then mention that you would really enjoy a couple of hours altogether at some point.

Op with all sincerity I see why you feel like you do but can't you remember those heady days of being that age and in love? I do and I am 53!! Its all consuming and selfish yes but he is living, having fun,growing into being a man and finding his own way.Don't try to control that please. Let him be, love him,respect him and keep the door open. Be interested in his life and what he is doing.It is not a battle and if it was you wouldn't win at this age. I would be happy he seems so happy and settled, and I say that as being a mum to a son, my son was the same at that age and moving on a few years we are closer than ever and its fabulous. Hang on in there, its all natural. Frustratingly natural! Bless you,do the above and you will never loose him ..

Well you're now the dreaded MIL that you read so much about on here!!

In 9 months, you haven't met his girlfriend?? Why? Have you never invited her over?

This is the first of many Christmas Days he isn't going to spend with his mummy, and there isn't anything self-centred about it. I don't really understand why some women want to keep their children in a state of perpetual adolescence, growning up and having a serious relationship is a positive step in your child's development. OP's son has spent the first 17 Christmases of his life with his nuclear family, and there comes a time for everyone when it's not an automatic assumption that they are spending Christmas with their parents, and choices between venues have to be made. My husband and I spent Christmas alone in our own house without anyone's parents in our first year living together when I was 18, which is surely horrifying to some.

When your children become adults (the state of being, not the legal age), you need to develop a new relationship with them that doesn't include you acting like a spurrned lover when they get a boy/girlfriend.

And just practically, if this young couple want to be together at Christmas and they don't have their own house, they are obviously going to have to choose one of their families' homes to be in. Given it's unlikely that OP's son's girlfriend has four siblings, it seems clear why they've chosen her family's house.

Ah, I do understand where you are coming from and I can sympathise, but it's typical. He will see it that he is "always at home" as it's you he lives with. You are wanting more actual interaction.

My DS works nights so is asleep mostly during the day and is on a completely different eating schedule. My dinner time is his breakfast time. He eats his dinner when I am getting up. So we frequently don't even eat at the same time.

So I have to bite my tongue when he goes to stay elsewhere on the weekend when he isn't working and I thought it would be nice to cook a meal he likes and we eat together.

But that doesn't mean he doesn't care about us, he is just finding his feet in life.

I'm in exactly the same position as you, i understand the pain.

My DS is spending part of Christmas day with us, but only as we are going Grannys and he doesnt want to upset her. Has no interest in seeing us unless his GF is busy and he has nothing else to do, so we wont see him again over christmas.

I asked if they'd like to come here for dinner Boxing Day and i just got nasty messages about the pressure im putting on him. I've decided to go LC with him for my own sanity and happiness.

Its really really hard, but this is a terrible age when they get their first serious girlfriend. My other DS17 is absolute dream child, so my chirstmas will be with him and other family.

OP you need to come back and tell us why you haven't met her

Are the younger siblings much younger? Is your house chaotic and loud? Messy?

Maybe he prefers somewhere quieter. Maybe he feels like he's only wanted to babysit. Maybe he wants to feel more grown up

But he's right, you aren't considering his feelings. Only yours and how he isn't meeting your expectations which you won't compromise on.

Is it weird to visit her nan? I've visited a previous partner's nan and plenty of exes in the family visited mine when she was alive....

Op, without knowing your family, your lives, how you treat DS, what your home life is like, how you all treat each other, how tidy your home is etc etc etc, it’s impossible for us to give “our thoughts”

Sure, on the surface, with your one sided post, it sounds very sad for you that he chooses to be this way.
But he’s also almost an adult, and we don’t know his side of the story. There could be a million and one genuine, valid reasons why you’ve never met her and why he never chooses to be at home.

My DS and his GF for example, choose to always be at ours. Because they’re free to do as they please here, they’re both almost 19, they have privacy, we treat them like adults. Whereas at his GFs, there’s a million and one rules imposed, everything is regimented, they’re not made to feel particularly welcome. They’re a perfectly nice family, but my DS and his GF just don’t feel particularly comfortable there, they’re always on edge in case they get told off for making a mess, or using the wrong crockery 🤣 and they don’t get much privacy.

I'm very surprised you haven't even met the gf after 9 months. Make a specific day and ask them both for dinner, I had to do that and I couldn't stand the girl ( turned out to have massive MH issues) but I made the effort.

The second I turned 18 I packed my stuff up and sodded off 500 miles away to live with the person I’d been with for 6 months. The excitement of my first ‘proper’ relationship and being able to go on nights out etc completely overtook my desire to spend time with younger siblings/parents.

Anyway… that was 10 years ago and I now hang out with my mum most weekends. It’s normal behaviour and it’ll pass.

..at whatever time he's off work and you'll work round that.