Teenage son unreasonable expectations

It’s thoughtless, but a common experience when it comes to boys and men who are inclined to dump their families in favour of their girlfriend or wife’s. In his case he’s young and self centred, but it’s a very common thing in much older men too.

I'm sorry to hear this. It's very common though so try not to take it personally. The pull of a romantic/sexual relationship is incredibly strong for teens and your DS will be putting his GF and everything related to her front and centre. He simply has no head space for the rest of you at the moment. The good news is, it's usually 'at the moment'. The intensity will fade, and if you're a loving happy family, he will come back like a homing pigeon in time. Meanwhile, enjoy the family you have around you and let him do his thing. There's no point him being there in person if he'd rather be elsewhere just now. If you don't already, you could try inviting him plus GF to a family thing with you.

I remember being 17/18 and I didn't want a day to go by without my boyfriend.
He had an amazing family, so welcoming, warm and friendly, I loved being at his house.
At Christmas they would have me a pile of gifts, matching pj's, my favourite food, games etc. I would take my boyfriend to my house, he wouldn't even get a card, I would get a present then we would all sit and watch tele with not much to say to each other, the 2 homes were worlds apart. There wasn't anything particularly bad about my home and it is what I was used to but I had my eyes opened when I was welcomed to be part of their Christmas.

My parents were completely different, they weren't particularly bad parents but they didn't show a lot of interest, there was no family feel to our house.

Is this possibly what is happening with you? Have you welcomed his girlfriend? Is he close to you and his siblings? Do you have a nice family environment?

This is a really thoughtful, well-balanced post, I agree with all of it.

Take pride in his independence and the fact you have raised a young man who is clearly polite and pleasant enough to be around that he is being made so welcome in his girlfriend's family.

At this age it's pretty normal for parents to get the crumbs of their teen's attention. As long as he isn't being actually rude or disrespectful, try your best to be pleased for him and give him your blessing. It will make it much easier for him to come back to you once he has grown a little and learned to appreciate his old home again.

Or maybe she just WANTS to be there? Not everything has to be about using pressure and manipulation so children do what you want.

I suspect he is finding your house chaotic with all the siblings and prefers being over there.

It’s odd that he introduced you at all as others have said.

DS18 spends most of his time at ours and his GF is with us a lot. She’s here all weekend and most holidays. I do wonder how her parents feel about that. DS does go to hers sometimes but nothing like the amount of time she spends here. I do think she likes being part of our family as well as spending time with DS. She’s experienced a lot with us, days out, meals out, holidays etc, her family don’t seem to do much of that stuff. They also have a bedroom with their own en-suite here on a separate floor to our bedrooms (but same floor as living room) where as at hers they only have one family bathroom and no shower (she lives in the shower at our house).

Have you even invited them? I got a message this morning saying how come you never come here for Christmas? I replied we haven't been invited since 2004.

The really odd bit is that he has a girlfriend of nine months, who is clearly very serious, and you haven't met her.

You need to properly invite her round to meet her. Have her round for dinner, or even meet at a restaurant. But just meet her

Why have you never met his GF after 9 months?

It's a complicated one to vote on.

Naturally, a teenage boy wanting to spend time with his girlfriend is normal. Also, 17 year olds are rarely the most empathetic beings in the world.

However, it is odd you have not met/ have contact with her family. I would work to rectify that. Ask if you can have coffee with her parents? Invite her/ her family over. They are likely being welcoming, and unaware that he has a big family who miss him. Try not to play this as favourites/ choices. It will backfire.

It is also fine to feel a bit sad that he is choosing to spend time with someone else's parents and grandparents. I suspect he has not thought about that context and just wants to spend time with his girlfriend. Invite her round occasionally too.

Have you used the line 'do you remember you have a mother 'on him yet? This post sounds like my mum when I was younger. Awful attitude with the playing happy families line. I wonder why he prefers going to her house. Have you invited her over?
If anything parents are meant to encourage their almost young adults to become independent and spread their wings. He is doing so and making his own choices. Be happy he's happy. Christmas isnt just about you anymore. Your little boy is growing up. If you miss him, tell him that. It's understandable. The more you cling on, the more he will push away

When young adults reach a certain age they choose where they want to spend xmas. My 21 year old was at his partners last year, my mums the year before that and his dads the year before that and has chose to spend xmas with us this year. My 25 year old is spending it here and previous years shes chose to spend it with her partner. I would never try and dictate where they choose to spend their time any other time especially xmas. I was the same when I reached 18. Didnt always want to be home for xmas etc.

I can remember having similar feelings when my DD chose to spend time with her BF and his family rather than us. I'm sure my parents felt the same 45 years ago when I did the same!

Let it be. Dont make a big thing of it or you will drive him away.

Make sure he knows that his gf is always welcome at yours. The giddy infatuation with her and her family will pass and he will want the familiarity of home.

It's normal for him to spend time there is he's made to feel welcome. It sounds like her family have opened up their lives and home warmly to him. It doesn't seem like you've made the same effort with his GF? Maybe if you invited her to the house?
They're a young couple. There's nothing wrong with what he's doing and he's lucky her family are seemingly so fond of him.

He sounds like a normal almost 18 year old to me.
Your feelings are not more important than his. From how you've described the situation I'd think he would want to stay with his girlfriend. "Happy families " is really uncalled for... be wary you may push him away if you're thinking this way.

YANBU. My DS1 is 19yo and has been with his girlfriend for 2 years. I'd be gutted if he chose to spend Christmas with her and her family rather than his own parents and siblings. She did invite him but he refused.

When you invited her to your house for dinner (as I presume you will have naturally done by now), what was the response?

He is 18 I would let him be; it would be nice if he spend time with his family but I wouldn’t force him

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable, it’s a big change, but it’s also not that big a deal.

Just leave him be and eventually he’ll come back around. I can imagine having 4 siblings can be very overwhelming too.

I think it's usual for older teens to have Christmas dinner with girl/boy friend's family.
Particularly when they are as close as OP's DC seems to be.

I'd agree plenty of teens also doing it the way you describe. I think OP needs to genuinely look at why her teen is preferring to be elsewhere - yes it might be because he is loved up with the girlfriend, but it might also be because home isn't the environment he wants to be in.

Well DUH I was young once too, but it IS self-centred not to think about your family at all for Christmas.

It wouldn't hurt him to arrange to bring the GF over for a Christmas meal on another day, or do a Christmas breakfast then go to her house, or something else.

It reads from the OPs post that her son is going out of his way to spend lots of time with GF and her entire extended family, without a second thought to his own mother and siblings.

I agree.
Mine are early twenties and despite girlfriends have always been home for Christmas Day.
Getting together with friends happens on other days, ( unless someone pops in for a swift mulled wine after mass )

You want to play happy families,I totally understand but as kids get older things change and the only way is to adapt or you will alienate them, mine are 21,22,31and 33. Been there before and they will always come back at some point.

Those of you saying that it's normal for 17 year olds to not be at home for Christmas....do any of you actually have older children?

It's not normal for me or any of my family or friends op.
Christmas day is with your immediate family and then Christmas night or boxing day is for going to your boy/ girlfriend's house or them coming to you.

I do think this is much more than a casual relationship. They are spending all their free time together, including Christmas, and her parents and wider family are very involved. That’s why it’s strange that the OP hasn’t even met her once.