Teenage son unreasonable expectations

Interesting that even as teenagers, so many women are so happy to let ‘boys be boys’ and absolve them of any responsibility to be considerate of others.

It’s not madness at all. It’s a teen relationship of 9 months.

9 months and you've never met her? is there a drip feed coming as to why he won't bring her home?

YABU
You decided to have a huge family, he didn’t get any say in it. Some people like the chaos and noise created by 5 children, many don’t. Sounds like he is in the latter group and prefers a more sedate and quieter Christmas Day with a smaller family, plus a serious gf is an important person at that age. Please don’t try and put the guilt on him for his choice, it’s hardly as if he’s an only child leaving you alone!

you must assume he is happy and that is all I ever want for my child.

When it's free and given to him on a plate of course he's happy. He has his hotel to return back to and his GF bedroom to get freaky in while the mum and dad are downstairs.

YABU

He is independent from you and doesn’t owe you anything.

You say he works hard and so leave him be to figure this all out for himself.

You’ve not mentioned that he could be in a controlling relationship and so you must assume he is happy and that is all I ever want for my child.

tricky but you just have to go with it. He's in love I guess and only has one day. At least you have a lot of others around. For me, single with DS I'll most likely need to smile and say of course this is fine one day.

Do it sound like they or are you just criticising the op’s family size? It’s perfectly possible to have more than 2 children and have a calm household.

The reaction is completely dramatic.

Of course an 18yr old wants to be with their GF. He’s been invited his GFs home and has accepted, there’s nothing wrong with that.

Instead of trying to value your time with him, for example having a nice family dinner on Xmas eve before he goes, the focus is on your thoughts and feelings.

Be happy for him. If he was at home on Xmas, he would probably just be miserable and on his phone, wanting to be with his GF. I suspect by your reaction there’s a reason why he wants to spend the day at his GFs and not at home.
In future, if you want him home for Xmas then invite his GF.

Invite her for dinner, make an effort to form a relationship with her and be happy for him. This is not about you, he is growing into a man.

This will sound harsh but I don't know how else to put it, right now he does care more about his gf than anyone else. I think it's perfectly natural at his age, hurtful to you? Yes, but teenagers and young people often are so consumed by intense feelings that they don't factor anyone else in.

I do feel for you and I think other commentators are being too harsh.
He is acting a bit thoughtlessly towards you. If you have one day off over Christmas it's better to spend that with your family rather than somebody else's. They are only dating after all, not married.
It's probably down to immaturity. I would not have done that at his age though.

I would try and not let yourself get too upset by it as I don't think you can do much. The only proactive thing I would do is try to meet the girlfriend in the new year. Good luck and happy Christmas.

I know. They are just people who are happy to spend time together. There is nothing fake about it.

I hate the phrase “playing happy families” - so patronising.

My daughter is doing the exact same thing but this was over her getting a job. She did not want to leave her boyfriend to get a job. In the end we made the decision for her stay with him and get a job up where he is. She's 20 and I ain't carrying her if she ain't willing to pull her weight. I understand young love but when it comes to my pocket it's another story.

The grass is never greener. He has to grow up and consider everyone. He ain't got a pot to piss in and he's dictating. He can go and live with her and her family when he turns 18 and lets see how long it lasts when people have to spend money to keep them happy and together.

On the face of it, that all sounds very odd. Have you asked him to invite her over for dinner so you can meet?

If he's refusing to bring her home to meet you, do you think there's something bothering him that he doesn't feel able to tell you?

My DH preferred us to spend time alone or with my family when we first met (at uni so only slightly older than your son). It was partly because his dad is a bit of a strange character and he was worried he'd embarrass him. Partly because he'd never been encouraged/allowed to have friends round so wasn't used to bringing his own guests home. And partly because he had younger siblings who wouldn't have given us much peace and meant we couldn't go out with friends in case we woke them up.

If you find out why he doesn't want to bring her over you can do something about it (FIL was heavily warned by MIL that he wasn't allowed to embarrass SIL when she first brought a partner home.).

Being 1 of 5 is a busy household. I suspect he prefers it at his gf as its less busy..I'd leave him to it.

What a lovely post @shiningstar2.

I'm a mum to a 19yo DS in these exact circumstances and this brought a tear to my eye. Lovely words which express how I feel beautifully.

I am doing just as you say - letting him go, welcoming his girlfriend, encouraging him to live his young life to the full out in the big wide world, and also gently encouraging him to spend (a little!) time with his family too.

It warms my heart to see my boy growing up and being so happy. But I do understand OP. Lots of mixed emotions to manage. The ever-shifting sands of parenthood I guess!

You’ve got to let them go at some point OP. How’s he going to learn about life otherwise? If you respect his choices now, it’s likely he’ll choose to spend time with you again in the future.

Aged 16 my DS informed me he was spending Christmas with his GF and her family abroad! They had only been together 4/5 months but he was so in love. Obviously I let him go and put my own feelings aside. Sent him off with a big hug and presents for all her family.

It is weird you have never met her though. Why is that?

He's a teenager in love - I remember my first Xmas home from university, where I had met my first proper boyfriend on day 1 of term and we'd been stuck to each other like glue all term (there were no mobiles, no internet and we didn't even have a landline at home in those days). I was in an absolute COMA of boredom stuck at home and pined for him (a year later he was getting on my tits like nobody's business but that's often how it is when you're a teenager).

OP, you'll survive without him.

As the song goes.... When you're young and in love.

I had something similar. Between the ages of 17 and 21 DS spent virtually all his time at his girlfriend's house, including Christmas. He was asked if he was coming to ours ( his) home for Christmas. He would usually pop by,
However post 21 years to now ( He is 28) now, he is never away from us. We go out for walks, spend time at each other's house, go out for meals etc. They split up when he was 24 so the split wasn't the catalyst for him coming back to us, it was just growing up and him realising he has more in common with us than he realised.

They've got to go away to come back.
I know it is hurtful but keep the door open, make suggestions but don't critize and give it time.
Hopefully the wanderer will return!

Leave him to it. I had to do the traditions when living at home and bloody hated it, I found it all so boring. I’ve never had the same expectations of my daughter, it’s her life and she can choose if she comes for Xmas day, either way I’m not offended. If anything I relish a quiet day with my husband, we love it 😝