Teenage son unreasonable expectations

OP laying down the law is more likely to just drive her son away ffs

Ah,

Some of us forgot.... once our kid hits 18, they are legally adults and suddenly expected to be emotionally mature, making all the right decisions and no, we shouldnt challenge thesse decisions snd any potential impact on family init.. because he's 18, duh.

Noting not many suggesting the girl be encouraged to spend more time at his place and a number of comments imply its the posters problem from being one of those mothers to eon suffering within a busy noisy family and yes thats family life for you, the good, bad znd ugly where you learn to negotiate, compromise and learn about love in relationships.

He's 17 , in the throes of love and lust.Maybe the girlfriend is shy and prefers it at hers,or maybe he's worried you might not approve. Finally it might be less supervised, ie they can go to her room all day without interruption by nosy and noisy siblings, but that's family life...

If there isn't anything other the the hullabaloo of family life going on at posters, our poster is right to lay down the law and say Christmas day is for family and he needs to be there for his.

He can pop over to gf on boxing day, but suggest they come back home for dinner/supper and just meet your lovely noisy loving family.

I'd also start gently quizzing him about what its like at girlfriends house, making no judgement comments and listen to what he's saying, it will come out with time but stay positive... he'll be back

OP is never coming back

Invite her to your home ?
When I was young I went home for Christmas but one year age about 19 or 20 ( it was a very long time ago 😆) I was invited to spend Christmas with my then boyfriend’s family .
I went the very long distance down there , had a lovely time .
After that I mixed up spent time with both our families

Why haven't you met his girlfriend yet?

How old are siblings at home? Does he have space him and his gf can hang out. Does he/she both drive? So many variables but also you sound very me me me my feelings and not thought about his feelings either which could also be how daily life is for him.

He's in love as far as he is concerned, just keep that open door and tell him your love to meet her etc etc.

As a parent of an 18 year old, I get it. It would be lovely to spend some time with her.

However, when I was that age, I wanted to spend every waking minute with my boyfriend. It's part of growing up.

This is their first Christmas. He is choosing to spend it with his GF. Could you perhaps suggest we would love it if you both spent Christmas with us next year.
I think it’s more strange that this is not an insignificant amount of time and you have not met her yet. That is what I would be perplexed about. Why has he not introduced her? Does he think she won’t like your family or a family member? Does he think you won’t like her? Does he think she will be unwelcome? That’s the puzzle I see.
More importantly though, why don’t you just talk to him? My son is younger than yours so maybe things will change when he gets older but right now I would just ask him.

Bloody kids.

Leave him to it, don't even offer to show him that you are even bothered , even though it hurts. He will see it for himself eventually, he will grow up, or they will spilt up.

A lady I used to work with once said to me, ‘when they’re teenagers/early 20s you lose them, and when they grow up, you get them back’.

I’m a mum of two boys.

OP. I haven't met one of my older son's gf mum so I gave gf my number and said her mum could call whenever. At least we could contact each other. She rang ( gf's mum) the next day and we had a lovely chat. We live 3 hours away from each other. But GF has been invited to every family event .And turns up to most. That's the bit I don't get. You go out to a restaurant for your oldests birthday. Do you invite her and she says no or do you not invite her. He must also have at least New Years Day off work so invite them out to somewhere nice ( if you are worried about the kids get a friend or grandma to babysit). Or just to your house for lunch. Something casual. It's hard to believe that there hasn't been one day in 9 months that you weren't all free for at least a coffee. And yes IME boys do come home, if they leave, they are very loving and protective of their mums especially. I don't buy all the boys leave and girls stay. It seems like half the people on here are "LC" with their mums or sisters or MIL. Boys are chill. You apologise for something you said a week ago and they look at you blankly. And then its "oh, you're talking about that, don't worry , I never thought of it again". Very forgiving. Well IME.
I would suggest NYD or the following Friday night or whatever at a restaurant half way between your two places and meet. You could invite her parents too. They may be wondering why they haven't met you!

That’s not got anything to do with him having a girlfriend or not.

OP says he’s a hard worker and so it’s likely that that’s going to continue.

You can’t be so controlling.
It doesn’t help them.

You just sound horribly judgemental
He already works, he has one day off over Christmas. That's not someone lazy with no plans.

And he will have to work towards a better salary. But this country isn't built to help people get their own property or build their own income at the moment

It don't end there what's his future plans after college. What level is aiming towards to earn a good salary. Is he planning to go straight to work after. Some people go to college for fun and do nothing after.

But as OP has said he’s a hard worker and he goes to college.
So what’s the issue?

It’s different if he wasn’t working or gave up his education but he hasn’t.

You can have a career/education and a partner, it’s not either/or.

So if you and your partner lose your home and have to live with your mum for months/years, you wouldn’t have sex?

I completely understand not having sex if you’re staying as a guest in someone’s home, I actually agree with that.

But when you live there then it’s different.

I assume you lost your virginity at an older age or had a much older first boyfriend?

They don't have a pot to piss in and education is far more important than sex and having a bf/gf. Young people are so intense when they fall in love they forget about everyone else until later on and it's to late baby Jane arrives. Then the struggle begins and you hear people say it I wish I worked harder when I was younger and prioritised my future. I was speaking to an estate agent he said the only people buying houses in the south are professionals who are educated.

Unless you literally invite your mother into the bedroom, it's not under her nose.

Frankly it sounds like you are perpetuating her poor parenting.

I wouldn't do it I think it's gross having sex under your mother's nose in the same building. Even when me and my partner visited we never had sex in her house. I've had arguments about this many times on Mumsnet I will never change my mind. It was how I was brought up.

I can't tell my daughter what to do she won't listen she's an adult it's her choice. That's why as I was bringing them up I pushed education into my children because anything can happen. I won't be around forever and if they do fall on hard times they have their education to fall back on. I am happy she is continuing her education and the best thing to do is leave her alone and make mistakes. I've heard worse stories about other parents daughters my daughter is tame compared to what they have gone through.

You sound like a great parent 🙄

And I’m not sure if you even know what you’re disagreeing with.

You say it’s disrespectful to bring his gf back to OPs home which he’s never even done as OP has said she’s not met her before.

You sound slightly unhinged.

Perhaps reread what OP wrote and then ask yourself why you have such an issue with your kids being in a relationship or having sex.

You can still look after your 9 year old whilst supporting your 20 year old... in fact, if you think she might be being abused then it's even more important to be there for her

Your older daughters having sex at home isn't going to harm your 9 year old unless they do it with her in the room or are very loud. How do you think parents managed with their kids?

I have a 9 year old to safeguard and she hasn't painted him in a good light but love is blind.

Yes.

With mixed feelings, I voted YANBU. The bit where DS is unreasonable is not acknowledging the politeness of a choice of where to spend Xmas day, even if he chose the GF family. Also you not having met her is unusual after this amount of time - is there a clear reason for that? Maybe wouldn't expect to meet her family for a bit though. In terms of you wording it as 'happy families', that sticks out a bit to me. Surely we all want a happy family, I don't see why there is pretence in him being with them? It's tough but as an 18 year old male at one point, I would probably favour GF over own family if feeling committed/starstruck with GF. First partner is a special time for most people. I accept it's still hard for you and family though.