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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not sure how to handle this situation.

36 replies

Bequietplease · 21/12/2024 10:24

So I had a cleaner every two weeks for about 9 months, until earlier this year. He was a refugee who'd been in the country for a few years and was studying. He was early thirties, I think.

He was a great cleaner and very respectful. I found him other families, too. Then, I had to let him go because my work dried up. A gave him a long notice period but a few weeks after he left he sent me a very weird, rude text basically implying I had done something wrong to him. I can't remember the wording but it was just really odd. I blocked him, told the other family whom I knew.

A few weeks later he turned up and apologised. We stood outside while he explained, in a very open and vulnerable way that I'd done nothing wrong, it was him. He had trouble communicating sometimes. What I took from our chat was that he had a lot of baggage (from his life and events and separation from family in his home country) and his response to me "letting him go" was a trauma informed response.

I accepted the apology and that was that. Until last week. He messaged me and asked if I could help him find work as he was really struggling to find it. I felt bad for him - it's really tough out there - so I asked if he wanted to come and do some ad hoc work for me.

He did this yesterday. He was fine. I don't feel threatened by him, I feel sorry for him.

But then he asked me if I could see if any other families might need him. This is the problem - whilst I know I can handle him, how can i fully recommend him knowing he might 'turn' on someone else. He's also about 6.5" so imposing height.

I want to help him but can i recommend him in good conscience?

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/12/2024 11:39

As others have said this would be far too much involvement for me, in something that's supposed to be a business arrangement

Nothing wrong with being kind, but you've tried and that should be the end of it.
I also agree that he may not be the best sort to recommend, and if you want to salve your social conscience make a donation to a refugee charity

NotOneOfTheInCrowd · 21/12/2024 11:38

You’re far too involved here.

He sent you a nasty text, but then apologised when he wanted something? You’re being taken in here and you need to tread carefully.

Tell him you don’t have any work or know anyone, but suggest that he signs up with a cleaning agency.

And if you’ve ever given him a key change your locks. This one has a creepy vibe about it IMO>

Endofyear · 21/12/2024 11:34

It sounds like you may have got overly involved in what should be a businesslike employer/employee relationship. I would just tell him you've asked around and unfortunately no-one you know is looking for a cleaner at the moment.

pinkdelight · 21/12/2024 10:38

Bequietplease · 21/12/2024 10:33

Yes, I know this is also right. I do. And that's exactly what I've said. I don't know anyone, I'll have a think (but likely won't).

I just feel a lot of empathy and privilege, I guess, so it's not clear cut for me.

Show quote history

We all do, so give to charity or volunteer or whatever helps to balance that. But this one feels uneasy to me. Not just the text but then coming back to you and asking for more help. It's not how things work with cleaners and even if you don't feel threatened by him, it's not great that lines are blurred, it's uncomfortable and you're only going to feed that by feeling sorry for him and getting more involved. As PP says, he should join an agency and then it would be better managed and not become the client's problem.

parietal · 21/12/2024 10:34

Can you point him to other resources- charities and the church or organisations that have the means to help.

MumChp · 21/12/2024 10:34

I would say no. And move on.

Original poster
Bequietplease · 21/12/2024 10:33

pinkdelight · 21/12/2024 10:31

Honestly I think this is too much involvement with a cleaner. I sympathise with his difficulties, but you paid him to clean, he did a good job, you recommended him, and when you couldn't afford a cleaner any more, you managed it well. Even leaving the trauma response situation out of it, you don't owe him anything more. You've given him some ad hoc work to help but that should be the end of it. You're not his agent or recruitment consultant. Times are tough for lots of people in many ways and we help when we can but this is not your problem and he can't rely on you to do his networking and promo. Don't make it about the risk, just keep things in perspective and say you've asked around and no one you know needs a cleaner right now. I'd leave it there and move on, keep it professional.

Yes, I know this is also right. I do. And that's exactly what I've said. I don't know anyone, I'll have a think (but likely won't).

I just feel a lot of empathy and privilege, I guess, so it's not clear cut for me.

OP posts:
Inmydreams88 · 21/12/2024 10:32

Just say you don’t know anyone who needs a cleaner and leave it at that. Tell him to sign up with a company or agency who could get him
regular work?

Original poster
Bequietplease · 21/12/2024 10:32

parietal · 21/12/2024 10:29

Am I right that he hasn't done anything physical, just an odd text. Was the odd text was threatening or just off?

Not threatening, just really off. Telling me I was a weird nosy parker (If I recall, something like that...I was interested in him, I guess. His life). It was just really odd, like a mental health thing. Despite his size, I've never found him threatening.

OP posts:
pinkdelight · 21/12/2024 10:31

Honestly I think this is too much involvement with a cleaner. I sympathise with his difficulties, but you paid him to clean, he did a good job, you recommended him, and when you couldn't afford a cleaner any more, you managed it well. Even leaving the trauma response situation out of it, you don't owe him anything more. You've given him some ad hoc work to help but that should be the end of it. You're not his agent or recruitment consultant. Times are tough for lots of people in many ways and we help when we can but this is not your problem and he can't rely on you to do his networking and promo. Don't make it about the risk, just keep things in perspective and say you've asked around and no one you know needs a cleaner right now. I'd leave it there and move on, keep it professional.

parietal · 21/12/2024 10:29

Am I right that he hasn't done anything physical, just an odd text. Was the odd text was threatening or just off?