School raised concerns over childs home life

I dont feel social services woukd view this favourable and I think there would be issues around consent

I'm so sorry to hear this, OP. I understand the nuance of 'all of a sudden': sure, every moment of everyday is a challenge, but at least it's 'known'. Allegations and disclosures made outside the home about the home should rightly be taken seriously and investigated as per safeguarding protocol, but if you don't know what they are, it can be very unsettling. My ASC DC with a PDA profile was melting down both at home and at school and frequently said some quite hair-raising things in school about things happening at home / outside of school, which definitely weren't true. I was in weekly contact with school nurse, pastoral care and support staff who were relaying DC's statements as part of safeguarding protocol: it is a special kind of helplessness which dictates that you cannot simply defend yourself and refute or explain what your DC has said, but have to accept that it forms part of the bigger picture of DC's needs, and throw yourselves in unreservedly (obviously submitting evidence where possible which explains why the thing you are accused of cannot be true). We requested and were offered support from more agencies than I care to remember and leaned in to the process 100%. However besieged you may feel, school and allied agencies are your friends: be responsive and proactive. You've been doing this for years, just keep on putting one foot in front of the other.

Unless you have lived this experience, it is very difficult to really comprehend. And even if you have experienced something similar, there is no guarantee that what worked for your family will work for others. Suggestions of boundaries and locks and restrictions are all well and good -many DC with these kinds of profiles will be entirely undeterred by such measures, my own DC included, when dysregulated, although we ‐fingers crossed‐ seem to be entering a new, better regulated, chapter. OP's child's repertoire of behaviours doesn't suggest a young person who will be put off by a lock or an attempt at sticking at a boundary. Some young people I've worked with (as an education professional) would simply avail themselves of a screwdriver, disassemble said lock and carry on. Or smash the door off its hinges.
This is living hell, OP, and I hear you. There are some really good FB groups for parents in this situation.

I'm struggling to follow your post. I can't see where yoube been accused of anything but I might be missing it.
Accept the help, there's clearly something very significant going on for your son and passing blame to his dad for taking him to a dodgy pub 24/7 isn't going to help- you're an adult too, stop his dad from taking him to a dodgy pub.

I was thinking the same. You need a break from this as does younger child. If dad has him so well behaved he can have him for a Bit/ longer

He needs to live with his dad permanently. Your other child must be terrified.

It's a completely unrealistic opnion
And gets trotted out fsr to frequently on here .

He behaves at school?
He behaves at his dads - so CAN behave if he chooses to.

This does sound very familiar to a person who posted a couple of days ago whose son (11?) was attacking her and her home.

Get locks on the fridge freezer and on your wardrobe or wherever you keep your clothes

No way could I live with this level of appalling behaviour- your poor other child must be living in hell.

Thst csn be quite common with some children with autism it's known as the coke bottle affect.

@Frowningprovidence Why no cameras? 🤔

So get additional cameras so there are no blind spots. Refuse to engage and walk away to where there is a camera.

I would send an email back saying that you welcome the investigation and looking forward to ways they are going to support you.
I would also keep a diary of times and dates, descriptions of what he has done and what triggers set him off, even photographs. I would also document what you did to support him in crisis and what happened afterwards. I would keep everything factual and not use emotive language except to say you are tired and admit you are struggling.
This documentation will back up what youve been saying.
Don't see the meeting as a negative and go in like a bull in a China shop, although I can understand why feel frustrated.
Ask them to signpost you for support or respite or what strategies they would do in your shoes.
Don't worry over Christmas, maybe reframe it as ' at last, something might get done!'
Good luck. I hope it goes well.

It is very clear that the relationship between you and your child is broken and needs a reset and repair. This is what the TAC is about. You may not agree that all behaviour is communication, but he is certainly venting his frustration with you. You are probably quite unaware of what you are doing to trigger him, but there will be something or numerous things. ASD children need a very different approach to neurotypical ones. They need gentle, softness with clear boundaries. It is counter-intuitive and a skill that has to be learned (for me, teacher training), but this TAC will help put the parenting support in place to help you learn how to manage your child's outbursts so that you all have a nicer family life.

@Smith212 firstly, breathe. Keep breathing and remember to breathe. It sounds like your child is totally dysregulated and in a manic state for a lot of the time at home, through no fault of your own, most likely caused by anxiety and lack of feeling in control. To help our kids to regulate, we need to show our regulated state, or behaviours will become more dysregulated on both sides leading to heightened situations like you describe. I say all this from a place of support as a parent of an asd child with pda who, with the right approach and support, is thriving and happy. When he was younger at mainstream school, this was not the case. I am so thankful that I found the PDA Society, their strategies are amazing. They are great, so supportive. Essentially, demand avoidance autistic kids need a different approach to discipline. They need to feel at least partly in control, they need lots of compromises to feel safe, they need to have regulated behaviour modelled for them so that they can copy that behaviour back. Otherwise they copy your dysregulation and things escalate. It is hard, so hard, but try to remember that he's not a monster as some have said here: he is a young boy who is most likely terrified of his own behaviour. Social stories can also help. And when he is calm, talking about why we have to be careful with clothes for example, as they cost money and are important to the people we care about. Or frozen food needs to stay in the fridge as otherwise it goes off and then we can't have our fun fish finger Fridays, for example. So you're always giving reasons why not, not just blindly saying don't do that. I have heard that Yvonne Newbold is great too for strategies around challenging behaviours.
I think the hardest thing with this type of parenting is to hold your calm while the.storm of your child's dysregulation rages, but if you do, you'll see your child eventually start to model your behaviour. When he's calm, talk about what is unacceptable and why. Any hitting etc, leave the room and tell him you're going to a different space to keep everyone safe. My DS now goes to a different room himself for 5 mins at home if he feels very cross. Look at Zones of Regulation too, it's helped us so much as it separates the behaviour from the person. I would also ask for this thread to be moved to the sen boards, where all us lovely supportive sen parents hang out. No parent of a neurotypical child will ever understand the complexities of our parenting journey and our kids. And most importantly: breathe. A TAF meeting is a standard thing. Enjoy the holidays then accept the support. Breathe. You've got this.

I'm sorry you are going through this op. Is your ex trying parental alienation? Does he work? Does he want dla you get for taking care of your son?
Or is he just the fun parent? My ds2 has asd and he really struggles with change. Is your ds2 blaming you for the divorce? I remember carrying ds2 to school after my separation from his dad. For months and he had to wear his ear defenders alongside with some regression with toilet training.

Divorce was truly horrible for him.

Do you have scrap clothes he can rip? Is he safe with a needle? Could you teach him how to sew? Or would some clothes glue help? He has taken interest in fabric, is there any way you could help him explore different fabrics in a controlled manner? Buy few fabric or clothes from charity shop for him explore/ rip/ cut ect.

Probably an unpopular opinion but I agree.

Not necessarily she might get direct payments but this will obviously have to assessed etc.

It was nasty of school to do this at the end of term op leaving you worrying about it all over Christmas. But maybe they've done you a favour because it will now be documented.

Please make sure that you have someone with you, a friend at least when they come round so they don't bombard you. Whatever you do don't be alone.

I had a nightmare with school, and then SS, but fortunately both my parents are retired very senior SW'ers and they saved me.

A TAF meeting is all about putting in support.

I think most people would be worried about social services involvement and what it will mean but the best course of action is to work with them. If you get any choice of professional, please ask for one with asd experience and, pda experience.i am not saying your child has pda, but just in case it's relevant, they have different parenting requirements.

I dont think cameras are sensible at all.

If a serious allegation had been made then this meeting wouldn’t wait until after Christmas so please stop worrying he has accused you of something.

You and your son sound like you need help so try to view this meeting as a positive, there obviously are lots of concerns about how your son is behaving at home which you clearly share too, it sounds like you are finding it difficult to cope and you want help. Use this meeting to be honest about how he behaves and how you respond. The aim of the meeting will be to help your son and the situation at home, not to vilify or accuse you. Listen to the advice suggested in the meeting and accept any support offered.

In the meantime I would look at trying to get some evidence of your son’s behaviour over the next two weeks so that you can share it at the meeting. Keep a diary, ideally using the ABC method - Antecedent, Behaviour, Consequence.
Antecedent - what was happening before the behaviour? Include what he was doing and also environmental factors (eg: was it noisy, was his sibling in the room), include whether any demands were being placed on him at the time.
Behaviour - what was the behaviour you saw? Hitting? Swearing? Ripping clothes? Hiding items? Self-injury? Be clear about exactly what he did.
Consequence - What happened afterwards? This doesn’t mean how did you punish him, it means what was the result of his behaviour. It may have been he hit his sibling, his sibling cried and moved away from the TV and so he got to change the channel to something he wanted to watch. Usually behaviour will have a function, he won’t be doing things for no reason, keeping a diary will help to see any patterns to his behaviour and also if there is any function to them. It probably won’t be as obvious as to get control of the TV but that’s why a detailed diary using the ABC method will help when you share it with professionals who are experienced in unpicking behaviour.

If you are able to film anything that will help. It’s not uncommon for children with ASD to behave differently in different settings, this will not be the first time the professionals involved have seen a child who behaves well in school but struggles to manage and becomes deregulated at home. Your situation is hard but it is not unheard of and there will be things you can do to help.

From an immediate practical point of view if your son is running your clothes and getting into the freezer I would start by using locks to stop this. Put a lock on the kitchen door and a lock on your bedroom door so that he does not have unsupervised access to these rooms.

Take the school meeting as being a good thing OP. Tell them what you have told us. You need help and his sibling needs support. Hopefully this could be an opening to get these things for you. I am so sorry you are in this situation.

First up install a lock on your bedroom so that he cannot destroy your clothing

@Bollihobs
A school saying a child is 'fine' in school, to a parent of of ASD children is classic. Often they aren't, the school just doesn't have the skills to recognise. Plus how the child acts at home if often different.

I've reported this thread. I'm not happy with the judgemental posts and ASD ignorance towards op.

I agree with @Robotindisguise who sensibly suggests mnhq needs to step in on threads like this.

@Smith212 can he live with his Dad? He is severely abusing you and his younger sibling. A bit of space might be good for everyone

Schools often don't put in place the support an autistic child needs because the fallout doesn't happen until the child gets home. Lots of autistic kids mask at school and then fall to pieces once in the safety of their homes. Homel life will be calmer if school life is better supported.

I don't mean this in a mean way, but the school are concerned and from what you have said so they should be.
You can't carry on as you are, you have another child to think about also, who you said is scared.

They're likely trying to find a way to help, not say you're a bad parent.