School raised concerns over childs home life

Well, quite. But you just have to go through the hoops sometimes. Services get cross is you dont engage

I actually found one parenting course I was sent on really useful. It was run by the OT team at the hospital.

But why point it out? If an OP name-changes, surely they have their reasons. Were it the case in this instance, what could OP feasibly stand to gain? It neither adds or takes away from what she is sharing, so the kind and supportive thing is to accept in good faith. I can't stand this kind of 'calling out'; just respond -or don't‐ but afford a struggling parent the dignity of her anonymity.

In what way is it unrealistic? Not being goady and you aren’t the only person to say something like this so there’s clearly some validity to it.

I used to work with a woman whose DS had to be taken into care because the rest of her DC were considered at risk by SS.

A good friend fosters and currently has a seven year old boy living with her after his parents told SW they could no longer cope.

Sure if a parent drops a child at SS office or refuses to collect from school, a space has to be found for them? What has been your experience of what happens if not this? It seems awfully unfair on children and families alike.

He knows the blind spots I'm sorry I don't buy this

Yes. Here, children with disabilities can access short breaks. However, it's usually severe LD, severe physical disability etc. Unfortunately resources do not exist for respite for every child with additional needs who's parents are struggling

Agreed ,probably Triple P or other Parenting courses .

You tell him that his behaviour is "nasty".
My goodness, he must be shaking in his boot!

Personally I would be moving him into his father’s house for a while. He needs some discipline and boundaries.

The reason for TAF should have been “concerns about his behaviour at home” which sets a neutral blame free context.
and not “concerns about his home life” -

Approach this as you seeking help your help and support from the professional network to understand what is the motivation behind his behaviour and understand what strategies work at school/dad and that you want support at home. Ask for some OT input as sounds like ripping could havd sensory element and he could benefit from sensory strategies. Ask if there are any specialist behaviour support teams in the area you can be referred to. Have you got a named worker in social care ?

Like where ???
I have a severely autistic son I now get two over nights respite a month he's 14 and it's taken ten years to get overnight respite.

How awful for all of you to live like this.
Embrace the help and support now, because ds is going to get bigger and things will become harder. Intervention now is just what you need.
Your younger son sounds terrified.

I can't wait to see what support is actually offered to op.
Bet it will be nothing useful.

What youre suggesting literally doesn't exist

I think they're right to flag it up, but it could be a blessing in disguise, and lead to more help.
My twins are 10, and one (t1) was diagnosed with autism and severe learning disabilities, the other (t2) has been on the pathway for years now. T1 is exactly the same wherever he is, which is why he was so easy to diagnosis. He trashes everything and is becoming aggressive.
T1, masks something chronic at school, so it's been harder to get him help. Of course where he's masking, he's saving it up for when he's home (the coke bottle effect), and so there's lots of verbal aggression etc. He is only like that with me, because he feels safe. He knows that, no matter what he does, he'll still be loved, and he won't be physically punished, or punished in an unfair way.
Your son obviously doesn't feel safe enough with his dad and is masking.
Unfortunately this does make it look as if it is your fault, at least to people who don't really understand what this life is like.

My best friends have sons the same age, and they're all ND too. When they go to each other's houses on their own, (i.e. without me) they're as good as gold!

I've had social services involved for pretty much all of my kids' lives. Occasionally due to a malicious report, occasionally due to neighbours not understanding, once due to child protection (my mental health was shocking, and I had no idea how to parent), and now we have a disability social worker for T1. They have been nothing but helpful, and have opened the door to help and advice that we never would have had otherwise.

I'm wondering if your son has a diagnosis of ODD or PDA. Even if not, the PDA website has a lot of good advice for kids like ours, it's called PANDA. And also have a look at the book The Explosive Child by Ross W. Green, it also has a lot of insight and good advice.

And tell the truth about DS' dad, they may want to consider whether he is safe with him.

So please try not to worry, they can see when a parent is trying hard and nothing is working. They might have some ideas that you haven't thought of.

Maybe it’s time for him to live with his dad full time

He's 9?

Jesus.

I'd be putting a lock on my bedroom door and keeping all my stuff in there.

You and your h need to be on the same page re parenting him.

Where has all his anger come from, and why is he so focused on you? It sounds horrendous. And your poor younger dc.

You do need help. I'd be begging for help and taking all the help I could get.

Good luck.

That's not the way it work,s have a look at " the coke bottle affect" .

Good point, OP. Your child is making your life hell. You and both DC need help. Please don’t see the TAF as criticism, but as an effort to help you. I hope it works for you.
Sending you hugs, sympathy and best wishes xx

If it’s something permanent then maybe not, but if it’s for the weekends, wouldn’t that help OP?

If you can't offer any sensible advice don't offer any.

A residential homev/school us not a realistic prospect.

Posters need to stop posting this nonsense
You can't just put a child in a residential school, it doesn't work that way .

I don’t think it’s helpful to refer to OP’s son as a “problem child”. A residential home certainly might be helpful, but @BMW6 it’s not appropriate to label children this way. But I’m not sure what a residential home would entail. Is it a permanent residence or for a weekend to provide respite for the primary carer?

I wouldn't be able to cope with this. I think you should ask for your child to be taken into care for the short term, Even I only for the sake if your other child who is suffering

It seems like the child is better off living with his dad, do you agree OP?

What has happened in your household is significant and is an ongoing struggle for everyone who lives there. I appreciate that it’s your son who might be causing the trouble as opposed to you, but it must also be difficult for him. He’s likely got heightened emotions. If at his dad’s house he doesn’t destroy the place and lie and manipulate etc, he’s likely more level headed.

Personally I would push for him to live with his father. Gives you space to recover and look after your other child and get on your feet.