School raised concerns over childs home life

Not only this, but also there have been thousands of cases of kids and adults in such places severely abused for real. The system is broken.

I have read your replies, dear poster. Not sure why you seemed defensive in the beginning. No one is accusing of anything, apart your son who is making up lies but you yourself know that he makes your home life hell. I mean, really , what is here for you left to be defensive of? Take any help you can....the fact here is that you cannot manage this boy and he disrespects you to a horrible extent. Where further you can go into your own relationship with your son - you have to explore this also if you love him and want him in your life

I'm sorry if this has been asked already OP, but how does he still manage to ruin all your clothes etc?

You've been advised many times in the past to put a lock on your bedroom door.

Residential placements can call themselves what they want, they always call themselves specialist and say they work with this behaviour or that behaviour. The reality is they are just care homes, staff might have a bit of training here or there but they're just containing beahviour like this.

There are also issues with the matching between the children that are there and any new child coming in, so finding somewhere is often just taking what is on offer. Then after a few incidents of thechild attacking staff, perhaps making allegations of the staff after the child needs restrainig, criminal damage in the property they'll give notice and then the child moves to the next place and the pattern starts again.

I have worked in one as a nurse.
Most of the children had this back story.
It's not always a pink unicorn.

Hi OP.

First of all, I believe you.

Second, you won't get help on AIBU or the helpful posts are always buried in judgemental rubbish.

Thirdly, I wish people would stop banging on about "help" and "support". There's very little for mums in this position. Lots of blame and judgement though. I notice the dad has buggered off (very common).

I think your DC perhaps has the PDA profile of ASD? The PDA website is useful. Try their "PANDA" strategies. Your DC sounds both very intelligent and disregulated. That's probably amped up at the moment with the end of the school term especially if they mask at school.

Christmas is a trigger for a lot of PDA kids. The PDA Society website has some tips.

The books The Explosive Child (Greene) and 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child (Bernstein) are useful for strategies.

That was my exact thought too.
Mothers ( and fathers) of sons need to nip any bullying to women in the bud, as a man who is violent to his wife has often been abusive to his mum or sisters.
Patrick Mackay after his dad died ruled the home and his mum and sisters lived in fear of his rages.

This isn't anything to do with your daughter why are you making this thread all about your daughter?

Could he live with his father?

This just isn't going to happen though you may as well ask for a pink unicorn .
Posters need to stop with the residentisl options it's just not realistic .

You do need help. This sounds like an awful home life, especially for your younger child.

You say you lay down boundaries and have consequences but I have seen plenty of parents who think they do this but the reality is that boundaries and consequences are not always stuck to, they’re inconsistent and often parents just give in, thinking it’s easier in the moment but it actually makes things more difficult in the long term. I suspect this is the case with you too.

In the meantime, lock away work uniforms and anything valuable or essential so that he can’t have access to destroy them.

Thanks. The colleague definitely didn’t have money and the phrase “residential school” wasn’t used. She said he was “taken into care by SS because of the risks to her and the other DC. Sorry if you thought I was talking about a school.

I am just wondering what would happen if OP said she couldn’t expose herself and DC to the abuse any longer.

Also it's never a good idea just to tell social services you want the child in care at best they would get foster care
And probably not specialised foster care either.

Also ask if there are any sibling support groups locally for your other Dc, There is a charity called Sibs.org.uk

I think SS will be a good route to get the help you need. I would be honest with them and explain how much you are struggling. Did you know there are respite centres that can offer residential treatment and also special asd focused boarding schools, it does sound like you need a lot of help. Your son will only get bigger and stronger and you need to be honest with SS about him to keep you all safe as he grows. Sorry you are going through this.

I would agree with this generally, I do find it concerning that DC is calculating enough to work out the camera blind spots and confines their outbursts to the blind spots. That speaks to planning and deliberation, which would be atypical. Depending on the ASD it is possible to be a child with ASD who is also behaving badly with intent - a tricky judgement that’s not possible to work out on Mumsnet obvs, but certainly something OP needs to be thinking about, as I’m sure she is.

But he does behave at school and with dad.
being a violent brute at 9 to his mother and sibling/s he can learn to behave.

Or better, go and live with his dad.

He behaves there.

Maybe he and his mother clash

Maybe they just meet head on - it sounds horrendous-

At 9 his mother needs to her a hold of managing techniques for this behaviour otherwise he’s going to be hurting people as a teenager- and that isn’t many years away once testosterone kicks in.

It’s probably something she’s doing that triggers this behaviour- like meeting shouts with shouts or similar.

If the behaviours can’t be managed, he needs to live with Dad.

You said care very different to the other parent.

Just because someone you used to work with has a son who went into residential school
Doesn't mean the Op s son will be offered anywhere near thst
Residential schools do exist but they eye watering expensive and are available for only children with the most complex of needs
As the Ops child's school currently don't see a problem (and this is common)
Then it's completely unrealistic prospect right now.

I would see it as a good thing that you might get some support.

Who else lives in your home? I'm wondering if you have a partner & DS is finding this difficult? Is his sibling a step or half sibling & he is possibly jealous?

Do you think he likes the routine at school?

I will be honest: accept all the involvement anyone can do , and yes, put inside cctv ....you literally do not have home life left of any kind. A stranger's involvement is not going to feel intrusive to you but might actually help

No thats the wrong way around

Concerns about his behaviour puts the blame on the child.

Whereas concerns about his home life is factual, his own expeirence and that of the family around him while at home is negative and concerning. It doesnt say why or where its coming from.

OP and her other child are in a living hell. The child needs to be taken out of this situation. Why can't he live with his father.