School raised concerns over childs home life

Yes but some kids mask are school and then let it all out when they get home it's called the coke bottle affect
Obviously it's a broad spectrum and not all mask ,my son doesn't have the capacity to mask but it is a known phenomenon.

Keep going, make a list for the TAF of all the interactions have had with school, and SS and all the support you used and all the dates you have asked for help.

Take it with you, and ask to escalate to a strategy meeting.

With the TAF think about why you want from
it.
If his behaviour is a difficult as you say, then think about what channels they may have to support you and get them to pin down dates, use the word crisis a lot. it can be really hard to reach out and not receive any help and and a generic letter with some websites on.
I think children’s services are good at sound bites but not actioning.
Think about what is a good outcome for you all.

I’d also wear a body camera around your son to start collecting evidence of his behaviour.

Does your area provide a crisis line for parental
Support for children waiting assessment? Start running that if they have one.

You need to ask for help dealing with your child at home.
Be honest. It's not safe for you, for your son or siblings.

None blames you but offers help. Take it.

Please ignore any poster who describes your child as manipulative, or suggests says they know how to behave and are choosing to respond at home as they do. It's a red flag to use a blaming narrative about a disabled child who is clearly struggling with emotional regulation and social interactions - and not anything anyone with insight into autistic behaviours would do.

Unless the risks are of death or really serious injury or sexual harm then the local authority won't put a child into care. And a short period in care wouldnt be a fix either.

www.pdasociety.org.uk/resources/pda-and-christmas/

OP, I have read your posts, but not the rest of the thread, as AIBU threads about disabled children and behaviour just end up being a sewer, with loads of judgey types turning up to get a cheap kick out of looking down on families, or being poisonous about autism, with absolutely no insight into what neurodevelopmental conditions are or how to respond to challenging behaviour arising from them in a home setting. I'd recommend starting a thread on one of the SEND boards where you will get replies from people who have lived through this and know what they are talking about. I'd also recommend finding out from local autism groups where the services are for neurodevelopmental children in your area, and pushing really hard to get a referral (ask GP and raise at TAF meeting).

I'm so sorry for you and your youngest child, as well as your son but there is a positive element of this, hard though it must be to see. He is manipulative but he knows to behave in a school setting and with his (fairly useless) father which means he can actually understand right from wrong.

I understand that your ex offers you no help but I wondered if your son could live there for a short while (without it being presented to him that way). How soon before he tries that behaviour at his dad's home and what you've been saying all along is finally seen? It also buy you and your other child some peace and the school will see it as a child, not a parent issue?

He knows where the cameras are but what about nanny cams? They're designed to capture what's going on that people want to hide. That would be useful before you go to the school and they would be able to see his real behaviour.

I'm just so very sorry that you're all in this situation and hope there's at least some help soon but, in the meantime, you and your youngest need a break from all the bad behaviour and assaults.

But that's not a simple or realistic process.

Yes Ive also worked with people who are very good at de escalation but they're not on shift 24/7 and it also doesnt stop children attacking in the first place or causing criminal damage, sometimes its not about the response given to the child, sometimes the triggers are unpredictable, it may also not stop allegations being made which then results in staff suspension, an investigation and most placements dont want that, they literally cant function if they have to keep suspending staff while that goes on.

Yes I did. I didn't realise living with the other parent might be an option. But if it isn't then a short period in care would give everyone a chance to get away from this destructive situation which is awful for everyone involved.

Do you have anyone who you can take with you to support you and take your own minutes?

It can be an opportunity to pursue more support. You will be fobbed off, so you will need to be persistent.

Just because the school thinks DS is ‘fine’ doesn’t mean he actually is. They need to be providing more support so you don’t experience the coke bottle effect quite so significantly. If school life was easier, home life would improve too. Remind the school they have a duty under section 66 of the Children and Families Act 2014 to make their best endeavours to meet DS’s SEN.

You can request an EHCNA yourself. IPSEA has a model letter you can use. You may be refused, but you can then appeal. You can get EHCPs even when the school thinks the child is ‘fine’ (hint: they aren’t actually ‘fine’).

You can use the TAF to request a carer’s assessment for you (which you are entitled to under the Children and Families Act 2014) and an assessment under of DS’s needs (under Section 17 of the Children Act 1989). Contact has model letters for these if you want to request them before the TAF or follow it up in writing.

As well as PDA strategies and The Explosive Child recommended by a pp, some people find NVR resources/courses helpful. If you think you might, this can be something you can request at the TAF.

You can ask for a home OT assessment. This can help look at making the house better meet DS’s needs and safer.

Are you in receipt of DLA for DS? If not, apply. Cerebra’s guide is helpful.

How are DS’s eating and sleeping?

It sounds to me as if you've been so warn down over the years that you need a fresh pair of eyes on the situation.
I mean this respectfully, but it also sounds as if you have backed yourself into a corner with it all. I can imagine it becomes very over whelming and confusing and you really don't know what to do to make it better.
I'm sorry to say but I would be calling the police when he became physical. It sounds as if you have got to the point that there really are no boundaries and that you feel very lost with it all.
My friend had a taf meeting regarding her daughter, it turned the situation around.

A very experienced male staff member of a rehab I knew over many years was exceptional at de escalation of certain situations where someone was very agitated and aggressive.

I have never seen anything quite like it.

He went in calm, totally unthreatening but at the same time very strong.

I asked where he’d learned this skill ( it was amazing to see )

He said working for years in a Children’s Home in London back in the 70’s and 80’s

He said one couldn’t meet anger with anger and it was something he’d developed as a young person not that much older than the children in his care-
He wasn’t taught it- he had to learn how to manage very angry kids.

He had no fear.
Just calmness.

But he credited the children he worked with as great teachers of his technique.

Agree with @Frowningprovidence, op you have to engage with SS, even if it's bullshit and they are offering you no practical help. The trick is to comply and engage. It's the only way to get rid of them.

A psychologist upthread mentioned that all parties involved in childcare for this specific type of a child need to be on the same page and the same measures applied across the board. That makes a lot of sense, because apparently this is what the child needs ...if it was just a nice normal child, you tell them go and do that and that and they listen to you. But they are not. So why the defensiveness.

I'm not saying they don't exist I know they do but as the Op,s child is currently in mainstream school ,who don't see a problem realistically her child isn't going to be offered a place in one and even if by some miracle everyone agreed thst a residential school was in the child's best interests, you would have to find one that agreed it could meet the child's needs which can take many months
There are thousands of families struggling
There just are not the resources to to help all families at the level that need it

@Smith212 you shouldn't be fretting about a TAF meeting. Your home life sounds horrendous and they are there to help you, not judge you.

See it has a huge positive and see if you can get some support with his horrendous behaviour.

I havea9 year old boy with ASD. He has not once in his entire life said sorry. He separates any wrong doing and it's like someone else did it, and will say "I DIDN'T" until he's blue in the face and totally believes it. Thankfully he's not as destructive as your son, but very impulsive and it's exhausting.

My best mate has a 4 year old with ASD. She involved social services/TAF herself as she was struggling so much as he bites his siblings and is so violent.

If "the system" offers help then take it!